Love With A Wounded Soul (Pt. 1)

Trying To Love With A Wounded Soul

Because of my exes and all the pain they caused, its hard for me to trust you. Its hard for me to hear you tell me you love me without thinking, "but do you really?" Truthfully, youve given me all the reasons in the world to trust you. Youve proven yourself to me in a million ways. So you may wonder why I have trouble believing your words, when you back them up everytime. You may wonder why after all of this, i still have my doubts.
      Its because ive been broken. Ive been shattered by those who I was supposed to be able to trust most. Ive been hurt my family, ive been taken advantage of and manipulated. And beyond the pain my own family caused me, people who promised i could trust them did the same things they promised they never would. Some had false intentions from the start, and some gained my trust first and waited for me to let them close, then took what they needed from me and ran. Some wore masks to earn my heart. Masks that portrayed the most beautiful person, the most perfect visage. Masks that offered a love life seemingly unavailable anywhere else. A love life that would take away all my worries and protect me from all the things that harmed me in everyday life. Then broke me in the times i needed them most, and left me lonely and scarred when my only intention was to love them. One that wore a mask went a step further, they wore the mask much longer. They played the part of the perfect lover for a long time. Then when i let that person close, when i allowed them into a place in which i would never let anyone else. A place that was limited to myself only until them. A place in which only the purest of people should have been allowed to venture, they took something they could never give back. But they didnt just take it, they took it, and their mask began to melt away and i realized who that person really was. Who that person had always been behind that fake front. And after months of fighting with them, after months of tears, betrayal, heartbreak, pain, blood, sweat, wasted time, misplaced effort and trust & months of losing myself trying to love someone else, i finally let them go.
But letting go didnt mean the end of it all. Letting go meant the beginning of what would be a lifetime full of trust issues. A lifetime full of second guessing a persons motivations. A lifetime full of thinking, "can i really trust you?" Everytime someone started to mean something to me, and a lifetime full of being guarded.
So when i tell you ive been hurt, i mean ive been shattered. My heart has been torn to pieces and stomped on without remorse, let alone apology. But with you, this all feels so different. It feels so real.