To Find You Once Again

Chapter Seven

Tunog ng cell phone ni Nikki ang nagpabalik sa kanya sa kasalukuyan. It was Erica calling.

"Nikki, I can't come tonight. Masama ang pakiramdam ko." Narinig pa niya na suminghot si Erica sa kabilang linya. She sounded like she was crying. Nag-alala siya.

"Okay ka lang ba?"

"I'm fine. I just need a rest. Magkita na lang tayo next time." Iyon lang at ibinaba na nito ang telepono.

Naiwang nakatingala si Nikki sa kisame. Matagal nang tapos ang kanta ay hindi pa rin siya gumagalaw sa higaan niya.

That night seven years ago, nalaman niya na matagal nang may gusto si Bea kay Ryan. Kinaibigan siya nito para mapalapit kay Ryan. Bea betrayed her hoping that Ryan would turn to her. Nagalit si Nikki dito dahil kung sinabi lang sana ni Bea nang maayos, eh, 'di sana ay nakasama niya si Matt noong gabing iyon.

On the 25th, Nikki received a package from Matt. It contained a single CD with his own rendition of the old Johnny Mathis' song – her first Christmas gift since her father died. She cried buckets that night. All throughout the vacation, hindi nagpakita si Matt sa kanya. Hindi rin niya alam kung saan ito nakatira. She was used to the fact that she could see him anytime she wanted to because he would just be in the storage room.

When the new school year started, si Matt ang una niyang hinanap. Pero hindi na nakita ni Nikki si Matt. It was only a week later when she asked the admin that she found out that Matt already withdrew from schooling months before. May sakit ito sa puso at iyon ang dahilan kung bakit lagi itong absent. Pasumpong-sumpong din ang sakit nito sa school kaya nagpapahinga lagi sa storage room. On the night of the ball, he was scheduled for an operation in the US.

Gusto niyang magalit kay Matt noon dahil hindi nito sinabi sa kanya ang lahat. Pero mas gusto niyang magalit sa sarili dahil hindi niya nasamahan si Matt sa huling araw nito sa bansa.

That year, Nikki withdrew herself from the crowd. Nakipagbreak na siyang tuluyan kay Ryan dahil wala nang dahilan para pagtiisan pa niya ito. Hindi na rin siya tumakbo for president sa student council. Everything became dull and meaningless without Matt. All those times, ang mommy niya ay hindi pa umuuwi sa Pilipinas. She tried calling her because of her gried. Pero lagi na ay answering machine lang ang sumasagot ng mga tawag niya. That was when she Nikki truly felt she was all alone.

Instead of partying and socializing, Nikki devoted herself to writing. After graduation, kumuha siya ng BA Creative Writing sa UP. She was on her second year when she met Erica. Galing ito sa States at kumukuha ng Fine Arts. Naging kaklase niya ito sa isang elective, and they just hit it off. Erica became the only friend she had since Matt. Ito rin lang ang pinagsabihan niya ng tungkol kay Matt, without saying his name. She couldn't say Matt's name nang hindi nasasaktan. Naiintindihan naman siya ni Erica dahil kahit ito man ay may iniwan ding importanteng tao sa States.

Slowly, Nikki started to move on. When she graduated from college, she was immediately hired by one of the most prominent media company in the industry. Umalis siya ng Cavite at naghanap ng apartment sa Makati.

Paminsan-minsan ay umiiyak pa rin siya sa gabi kapag nangungulila siya kay Matt. Pero sinikap niyang magpakatatag. Matt was gone, and there was no assurance that she would see him again. Maybe she could make it up to him someday, though no one knows how.

Just when her life was finally returning back to normal, Nikki heard the name Jared Francisco being talked about in the industry three years ago. Though she wasn't sure how Jared was related to Matt, somewhere in her heart, umasa siya na may pag-asa pa na makita niya ulit ito. Hindi siya nagkamali. Matt was back – all grown up and very handsome. At muli, ginimbal nito ang mundong pinaghirapan niyang buuin.

***

Maagang pumunta kinabukasan si Nikki sa I-Productions, isa sa affiliate ng kanilang kumpanya. Dumiretso siya sa office ng executive producer at naupo sa bakanteng sofa. Hindi nagtagal ay pumasok ang producer. Tumayo siya para batiin ito, nang matigilan siya nang makita ang lalaking nakasunod dito.

Matthew Francisco was looking straight at her. And as usual, his eyes were unreadable. Si Mr. Angeles ang unang nagsalita.

"I believe you've already met Mr. Matthew Francisco yesterday, Miss Martinez," turan nito.

Nikki bowed politely. Si Matt ay nanatiling nakatayo at nakatingin sa kanya. Iniwas niya ang mga mata.

Ang mga sumunod na sandali ay iginugol ni Mr. Angeles sa pagpapaliwanag sa laman ng kontrata. Pero walang naiintindihan si Nikki sa mga sinasabi nito. She was preoccupied by Matt's presence. Makalipas ang ilang sandali ay umalis rin si Mr. Angeles para iwan silang dalawa ni Matt.

Nikki tried to be casual about her predicament. Tumikhim siya nang ilang beses bago nagsalita.

"How long have you been Lex's manager?" she asked, trying to be friendly.

Nakita niya nang bahagyang naningkit ang mga mata ni Matt.

"Trying to sound like a stranger, aren't you?" Nahihimigan niya ang pang-uuyam sa tinig nito. "Kunsabagay, you have always been very good at denying people."

Sa nahahapong tinig ay nagsalita si Nikki. "That was seven years ago, Matt. Can't we just forget it and move on?"

Pero hindi natinag si Matt at nagpatuloy.

"Madali talaga para sa'yo ang lahat, ano? It was easy for you to forget that you betrayed a friend." Funny. Walang panunumbat sa tinig nito, he was just stating facts.

Pero nagpanting ang tenga niya. Oo at kinailangan niyang iwan si Matt noon. pero ginawa niya lang iyon para protektahan ito.

"You never gave me a chance to explain, Matt," she said angrily. "Basta ka na lang umalis at iniwan mo ako."

"What is there to explain? Nakita at narinig naming lahat ang totoo, 'di ba?" patuloy nito sa nagyeyelong tining. "I'm only sorry na nagkamali ako ng pagkakakilala sa'yo. And I thought that you were different from everyone else." Pagkatapos ay tumayo na ito at lumabas.

Naiwan si Nikki na nakatingin sa pintong nilabasan nito, nanlalamig sa mga sinabi ni Matt. Did she really hurt him that much for him to hate her?

When she couldn't suppress her tears anymore, dali-dali siyang naghanap ng restroom at nagkulong sa cubicle. With tears flowing, she dialled Erica's number. Ikinwento niya dito ang pagkikita nila ni Matt kahapon at ngayon.

"Tahan na, Nikki," alo ni Erica sa kaniya.

"Masakit, eh," hikbi ni Nikki. "Kung nakita mo lang siya kanina at kahapon. He's not the guy I remember anymore."

"Bakit hindi mo na lang sabihin sa kaniya ang totoo? Bakit kailangang pahirapan mo pa ang sarili mo?"

"Para saan pa, Erica? Our story has the same ending. I betrayed him. No matter what my reason is, it's still pathetic. I still hurt him."

"Lilipas din 'yan, Nikki. Everything will be back to normal once the movie is finished."

"But I love him, Erica," mas lalo pang lumakas ang hikbi niya sa sinabi niyang iyon.

Akala niya ay mahirap aminin na mahal mo ang isang tao. Hindi naman pala. And when she finally confessed it to Erica, pumanatag ang loob niya.

"Kaya mo 'yan, Nikki. If Jared is a friend, a real friend, he would forgive you. And maybe you can start again from the beginning. Kung hindi man, aalis din ulit siya. And your life will return back to normal. Huwag mo'ng hayaan na masira ang lahat ng pinaghirapan mo'ng buuin dahil lang sa pagbabalik niya. You'll get by, Nikki."

Siguro nga ay tama si Erica. Ilang buwan lang at aalis din si Matt ulit. At maiiwan na naman siya gaya ng dati. But will she be able to pick up all the broken pieces by then?