Gods Wilderness

About a month or so ago I was asked.. "Nicole, why did you let yourself wander into this wilderness."

He challenged me to find out what's inside of my wounds and reminded me that wounds don't heal if they are still infected. He said, "Time does not heal wounds it only allows them to fester, get dirty and become infected." – Which religiously and physically cannot be argued with. I am going to be doing some skipping around at different points in time but keep reading. I promise there's a few moving messages, and I hope this touches at least one person the way that they have touched me.

Today I read an article by Rabbi Corey Hefland, Why did it take 40 years to reach the Promised Land? In a nutshell it talks about everyone's Journey from point A to point B, how did you reach your destination. "Frequently, you have the same familiar dilemma, yet if you ask a group of people to find the answer, each person will come up his or her own unique way of solving the problem. It's very much like a modern-day GPS. To get to San Francisco, you could take 101 or 280, or come across the Golden Gate Bridge or the Bay Bridge." – In other words, there a million different combinations and routes everyone takes to get to the same place, the author of this article reminded me that the route from point A to Point B is never in a straight line.

On August 26th, of 2017 – I remember two of my closest friends had just come to pick me up on a Sunday morning to head to what would have been one of my first church services. At this time, I had gone on a few different occasions, but I was still questioning the word of God and his presence in my life because I hadn't yet felt his love. It's not that it wasn't there, I just hadn't opened my heart to the possibility of Gods light. This is the very same day my friend had recommended that I order my own Bible, that way I could follow along as the services were transpiring. She had recommended that I order a Women's Devotional, because it helps you digest the Bible on another level and offers useful incite in all aspects of life. I had just "ended" a relationship with my significant other in which I had no intentions of rekindling. I didn't know it at the time, but this was the first of many toxic and poisonous separations that didn't last long.

I had continued to go to services with them and had started building new friendships and relationships with other members of church. I quickly learned that the church was not the building that you were in, but the community that was within those four walls.

September 1, 2017. Day one of the camping trip that officially brought me to my faith. I was by far the youngest in this group and the only one who was not married. I didn't take this to heart, or ever feel un-welcomed. I mainly joked around about being the 7th wheel, sometimes the 9th – I was okay with that. This type of community was something completely foreign. I remember bringing my Bible just incase I had down time to do my reading. Most nights I would be the first one to retreat to my tent, much earlier than the others. I would lay in bed with my lantern on and I would read God's word. On our last full day at the campground it rained from morning until night. I remember putting two awnings over picknick tables & we were all sitting together. I don't remember entirely how it happened, but the result was all of us crying because I had finally opened up about which I now know to be the Dad wound.

I hope one day I am strong enough to share my story about that as well, but today is not that day. My dad is a good man with the weight of many demons. For me, at that time I was struggling with abandonment.. I was starting to be bitter towards men. I hadn't had a successful or healthy relationship and I blamed it on my relationship with my father.

After many tears shed – I once again went back to my tent. This is the first time I truly felt the power of BEING STILL. My wounds were open, but I didn't feel pain. I felt release. The release of so many thoughts and emotions I had been carrying on my own. The weight was lifted. I was still early on in my reading when I came across a page titled, Letting Go of the Familiar. "Even as you've sensed God's nudge, Move on now. You've experienced the temptation to turn back just one more time, for one last look, one last taste, one last fix. Even as God whispered, "Don't look back." Maybe you've been agonized over a loved one's downward spiral, desperately attempting to rescue them time and time again – until finally God impressed upon you, "Stop, Let go." – It continues, "Yet he has called us to move on to new life in Jesus Christ by letting go of our old worldly lives. Our old habits, our old dreams – to boldly move forward with out looking back. When you feel God's call to move, allow him to guide you. He will give you grace to do whatever he has asked."

We are now in March of 2020 – I am still working on the same wound – But I am letting go of the familiar. My path to healing has not been a straight line. Instead, has been three additional years of 10 steps forward and 5 steps back.... Why did it take 40 years to reach the Promised Land? "Zornberg points to very real challenges with journeying: anxiety, uncertainty. The Exodus from Egypt is laden with a certain fear of the unknown, and it seems that God was worried that once the Israelites saw the challenges that would arise while wandering in the desert, they would prefer to return to Egypt, where, although enslaved, they at least felt a certain degree of consistency in their lives, a familiar routine."

How do you determine the right way to heal? Is there a right way to heal? How do let go of the familiar and embrace change? This week I came across an excerpt from my devotional. There's a philosophical quote that reads, "There is nothing permanent except change." When I read this, I must admit my wheels started turning and I almost agreed with that statement. But my heart said dig deeper – keep reading. The truth be told is there is nothing permanent except God, and God's plan does not change.

My significant other and I have been separated since the end of November 2019. Up until now I haven't allowed myself to feel that loss or recognize the trauma and emotional impact that these last four years have had a on my mental health and over all well-being.

Someone once told me that, "The same distance you wonder into the woods is the same distance you need to run out of the woods." – In other words, you must dig down to same depth and the same level of penetration of each wound to remove all the poison, all the bacteria that that has been multiplying and causing that infection. If you do not re-open old wounds and let the blood flow it will never become clean.

I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but someone must rip off this band-aide. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that if you live by the word of God life will be easy. It only speaks of the hills and valleys. My destination from point A to... well almost point B has been apart of Gods plan for me. The lessons I have learned along the way are invaluable. I have been taught patience, understanding and most importantly what it feels like to hit rock bottom and be in isolation after being embraced by such an amazing community and family. I am learning the power of forgiveness and who forgiveness is for. Forgiveness is not for the offender it's for the offended. Holding onto that hate and that anger only dulls the beauty and love within your own heart.

"Nicole, why did you let yourself wander into this wilderness."

This was God's plan, I had lessons to be learned and a heart that needed to be broken, in order to be surrendered. To allow me to feel again. To allow me to embrace the good that God has to offer. He needed me to travel into the darkest parts of the forest, get lost along the way, embrace the unfamiliar to recognize the light once I was out of that forest.

When I started getting my thoughts together, I was not so sure why this question was the one that laid heaviest on my heart. I have come to understand that I needed to start here because I allowed my past to affect my present and my future – against Gods will. I went into everything with a negative outlook, a self-destruct button and a back door to use as an escape route with fear of being hurt. I never allowed myself to truly FEEL.

Once I allowed God into my heart, he allowed me to see my value and worth from his perspective. March 25, 2020 – I am finally reclaiming my life and embracing Gods plan. I am giving up control.