So this is one of the most sensitive issue to talk on. After reading this many of you might think that I'm a feminist so let me make it clear, I'm NOT a feminist. This is one of the major issue of our society and it's important to talk about it.
#Stop Domestic Conflict!!!!!
My name is Sarah. I am a wife, daughter, sister, friend and a survivor of domestic violence.
As a child, I witnessed my own mother get abused by her partner for many year. These things made me grow up extremely quickly and before I knew it, I had lost my childhood.
Unfortunately, without being aware of it for a long time, I continued this family cycle and entered into an abusive relationship. At first, the relationship was incredible and I thought I had found my soulmate. Although soon enough the abuse began. It's wasn't just physical but emotional, verbal, mental and sexual. The abuse I had suffered has left me emotionally and mentally scared. Since this, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I now have ongoing treatment with my psychologists.
So,I was married at the age of 18 to a handsome man. We made a picture-perfect couple to the world, but in reality of this marriage was outlined with violence and grudge.
For about 5/6years, I was both emotionally and physically abused by my then-partner while I was living abroad and working in the public health field. Looking back, I realize now how brainwashed I was at that time, thinking that he loved me, that things could change, that the bruises on my body and literal twisted joints, and more hurtful than those even, the things he said to me...were my fault.
I'm currently in the most supportive, loving, incredible relationship, and I know now how wrong I was to think those things about my abuser!
The first opportunity that I missed to get rid of that person happened in a make up store. He had hit me in fits of rage before, but this was the first time he had hit on my face hard enough to cause bruising.He gave me a black eye once after we had a row and he grabbed my face, so I grabbed his to get him of off me and he pushed my eye ball into my eye socket. That was the first time he had ever left a mark on my face. Usually he covered his tracks well and he would only use physical violence to bruise my body where nobody would see.
I was not allowed to talk to my friend either
I walked into a cosmetic store looking for make up to cover the black and blue splotches on my lip. The cashier looked concerned, pursed his lips, but said nothing. He helped me find a concealer that matched my skin tone, then explained "colour correction" products to me. I remember how I held back tears and was so ready to tell every thing to this stranger, had he only asked where my bruises came from.
The second missed opportunity happened at an optometrist's office. My eyes were bloodshot when I walked into his office, hoping for an eye exam. The optometrist asked me why my eyes were so red; I lied and said I had slept with my contact lenses in overnight. After he tried relieving the redness with eye drops to no avail, he furrowed his brow, seemed as if he was going to inquire further, then shook his head and completed my eye exam so that I could order my new glasses.
My family never knew about my abuse until I was in hospital because my Ex would portray me as the best thing on this planet that happened to him, that he loved and adored me and we had a perfect family; so that's what everybody thought. And he never left me alone with anyone, so I couldn't talk to them.
We were married for about five years. He was controlling from the moment we met, but the abuse really started after I had my first child and it just escalated from there and got worse.Every night, I was emotionally and physically tortured for reasons unknowns to me. Sometimes, he tried to strangle me in sleep or ask me to leave home in the middle of the night. Even my child witnessed the abuse of his own father. He would kick me, slap me, push me, trip me over, throw things at me, stand on my feet, yell abuse, call me names like "social cripple", the list goes on and on...
Life was a continous hell, fear and horror and he always blame me for his violence.
Things got a lot worse towards the end. He would threaten to run off the road in the car and kill me. The violence became a daily occurance if not several episodes a day.
Once I remember I made a call to one of my close friend without realising that he was standing next to the wall. He snatched my phone and grabbed my head and smashed it against the wall.
He pushed me on the wall then grabbed me up by my hair and violently pushed me against the wall opposite and began punching me in th stomach. He slapped me round my face. At that time I felt like a sharp numb pain and I was begging him to stop. He said to me " you want me to stop? This is all your fault!"
I coped by trying to keep him happy so he wouldn't do these things to me and my child. I believed for a long time that it was my fault or my child's. I cried a lot when he wasn't home. I lost all my belief in myself. I was totally isolated and spoke to no one about what was happening. I don't think I really did cope except to hide it from the World and from myself.
When his violence became much worse and was being directed at my child
I changed.That day i decided I needed my child to know what a loving, respectful relationship looked like and felt like, I decided to separate.
I began to read about my self esteem and positive affirmations. I contacted a friend I used to know who worked in a Women's Centre and speaking to her made me realise that we were not alone. Finally I began to see the reality of what was happening.
The Domestic Violence Centre women have helped me so very much. The support and understanding and sharing of experiences. Counselling, and I have done some self confidence courses. When the Family court recognized what hell we (me and my child) went though, they ordered absolute no contact for him with my child, was a big turning point in my healing. Good friends and family have been wonderful as well.
Once I was out of my marriage, I could see what the verbal abuse did to my confidence.
At that time I realized that leaving him permanently is the only thing that will change the situation. I can't make him better no matter how much I love him.
I realized that I was not alone, there are many people who know what I was going through.
" She was powerful not because she wasn't scared but because she went on so strongly, despite the fear."
