Just a Mask.

Breaking at Night (Part 2)

        Your breaths quicken. Your stomach stlowly gets tied into a knot.

        "Stay strong..." you whisper to yourself. 

        You can't take another night of crying. Your abs are already sore from all the past nights you've broken down. You try to slow your breathing. Taking deep breaths you feel your emotions dying down. 

        "Maybe it'll pass..." You whisper.

        But then you look down at your arms, at the fresh cuts. And the scars that were once fresh. You remember the nights you've had, just like this one. You almost break down, but then you relax. Only to let your thoughts wander to how much of a failure you are. How much you hate yourself. How much you wish your life wasn't real. That you could just close your eyes and open them to find yourself in complete peace. How much you just want to take all your friend's pain and struggle away just so SOMEONE is happy. You'd rather die a thousand times over than let your friends be in pain. And if only you could. But no, you're stuck. You're stuck in your pit. Stuck having to tell them "It's going to be okay. I'm here. Talk to me." You're stuck being the one and only friend who's really there for them. They stab you in the back over and over, but you're still there. You're the always smiling friend. Don't worry, you're great. you're fine... But really. you're dying on the inside.         

        And then...

                You break. 

        It's not a slow process. Your tears don't well up in your eyes and slowly fall down. Your sobs don't come out one at a time and slowly get faster and faster...

        No... This is much worse. From a calm relaxing time to a full blown break down.

        The tears flow like a waterfall. Your sobs are like an earhquake. You open your mouth but no sound comes out. The phrase "Why me?" echoes over and over in your mind. Why? Why? Why?

        Your shaky breaths fill your ears. You feel another wave coming. Your tears fall faster as you try to fathom how this happened. How did you get so messed up? How did your pain get so out of control? When did this happen? Why did this happen?

        Why me?

        You never planned this. What do your friends think? Do they laugh? Maybe they pity you and help for a bit, but then what? They leave. Always a burden. Always a bomb. You trust someone and they stab you in the back. I'm sorry for being there and taking your "I'm here for you" seriously. 

        Your thoughts go on this continuous circles of lies. The circles of lies... This is when your demons are the strongest. When you're tired and weak. When you're sore and depressed. This is when they strike. They only want to rule you. 

        Sitting up, you try to release the tightness in your abs. Your tears have passed. You stare blankly at your wall. 

                You're done.

                You've lost again.

                You're tired.

                So very tired.

        Your eyes feel swollen and heavy from crying. Your head falls to the side and your body follows suit. You lay there, in your tears and pain...

        "So tired..." You whisper.

        "No more... please... no more..."

        You're done.

        So much pain.

        "Help me... please help me. Save me from this constant pain." You whisper to your empty room. 

        No more...