I'm here.

1

"I don't see how writting is gonna help me" I said.

"Do you have a better idea?" she asked.
I didn't.

I left the room and walked to my house, I didn't really feel like taking the bus today, too much noise.

I still think this is bullshit, but my mom paid for me to see a therapist every month and it hurts to think she's wasting money, might aswell try. Here goes nothing.

My name's Shōyō Hinata, but you already know that. I'm gay, depressed and can't seem to stay emocionally stable for more than one day.

I look up from the paper and stare at the wall. God, this is so stupid, who am I even talking to?

"Dinner's ready!" I hear my mom call from downstairs. I'm really not hungry, I just wanna go to sleep.

"My head hurts, I think I'll go to sleep without having dinner!" I shout back.

"Okay, honey, tell me if you need anything".

"Sure mom, love you."

I get up and open the top drawer, the shinny metal looks at me from the bottom of it and I take it out with care.

I hold it in my hand for what seems an hour, feeling how cold it is. It's been hidden there for a month now, I missed it.

I roll up my sleeve and stare at my arm. It's so clear. Pale. Tempting.

I've never self-harmed there. I always stick to my stomach or my thighs because of volleyball, but I'm not really planning on being alive tomorrow for practice so I'll be fine, not like I'll need it.

I feel tears running down my cheeks, when did I start crying? I look down at my forearm again and feel the skin with my fingers. It's cold. Nice. I take the blade and I press it against my forearm, hesitating. I take a deep breath and I start cutting, oh god had I missed that feeling.

-----------------------

There's a shit ton of blood on my floor, how the hell did that happen? The cuts weren't even that deep.

I examine them and accept that this will only kill me if I let it bleed out, which I'm keen on doing. But I still get up to get some pills to finish the job. You can never be to sure, am I right?

I'm about to get out of my room when my phone rings. I check the time. It's 2:34am. Who on earth?

I look at the name on the screen.
Tobio Kageyama.
He better be dying.
I pick up.

"Yeah?" I say.

"Hey... are you up?" he asks

"I'm up"

"Oh" he replies, he sounds nervous. I want to hang up to continue with what I was doing but I'm too curious.

"What do you want?" I ask, trying my best not to sound like I'm in the middle of a hugeass breakdown.

"I was wondering if you had done the english homework they sent yesterday, I forgot about it and I need to copy them from you." now I get why he was nervous, his pride probably made it really hard for him to ask.

Tough luck Kageyama I didn't plan on having to hang in any more homework. Not like I've ever done that, I'm stupid. I'm too afraid of getting bad grades so I don't hang in stuff or study for exams at all. I hate it. I hate myself.

I feel tears getting in my eyes again. Oh no. Oh fuck.

"Hinata?" I forgot he was still on the line.

"Yeah, sorry, I...I haven't done them either."

"Are you crying?" fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I hang up. I really don't need him picking on me right now.

My phone lights up again. It's him. I'm sorry Kageyama but I really am too tired to talk at the moment. He did sound weird though, almost as if he was... I don't know...worried? I shake that thought off and lay on my bedroom floor.

I want to get up again to get the pills but I'm too tired.
Well, fuck.
I'm fucked.
I regret this so much.
I take a piece of paper and start writting.

Hi, so, I tried to kill myself 5 minutes ago. Just thought it was interesting enough to write about it. I'm not gonna die, so don't worry.
I feel so empty. It's like I'm not sad anymore. I'm just numb. I hate it. I hate that I'm not okay and I hate that I have to fake a smile everyfuckingday. I'm tired. I don't know how to be okay. I don't even think I deserve to be okay. I've ruined myself. This is nothing but my fault. My family loves me and I have friends who love me too. I have a house, a dog and food on the table everyday. What is wrong with me? Why am I sad? Why am I not doing anything to help myself? I don't know. I just feel like...

I was right. This is stupid. It's not making me feel better. I'll take care of my cuts and go to sleep.

---------------------------------

I wake up to the sound of something hitting my window. I look at the time. It's 1pm. My alarm didn't go off and I'm gonna be too late there's no point on me going to school today. My mom is working and Natsu is at school so I can be home alone all day. Great.

Something hits my window again. I look outside and see a black haired boy throwing nuts at it. What the fuck. He walks to the front door and rings the doorbell. Shit. I go downstairs and open the door.

"You look like shit" he says with a smirk on his face.

"Thanks" I reply and give him the most sarcastic smile I can possibly make.

He is right though, I probably do look like utter shit.

"Can we talk?" he asks.

"Sure" I say after a long pause, he seems relieved. "Do you wanna come in?"