You Are Perfect To Me

Chapter 1 - Helpless

I sat soundlessly on the top step of the carpeted stairs. I was staring at the horrific scene down in the kitchen below, a bit to my left. Tears were streaming down my flushed cheeks, smudging my make-up, but I made no noise. Not even a sob. Not even a loud breath. I knew that if he heard me he would hit me too. I knew what it felt like to be beaten. You couldn't move properly for days without being sore. The constant laughing and sniggering at school because of the bruises. I still remember the sound echoing in my ears.

I was going to regret this. I always do. Regret that I just left my mother down there with him. My loving mother who always protected me, no matter what. She stood by my side and did her best to support me. I would regret that I didn't even try to stop him and most of all, I would regret being such an awful coward. I'm already starting to regret it as I see her fall to the ground, holding her arms in front of her, trying so desperately to shield face, pleading for him to stop. But my dad - and how I hate calling him that - the merciless person he is drags her up and starts roaring at her even louder. I don't even know what they fought over this time, but it probably was something stupid, like it always is. Or maybe it was me? The forever hated child. My mom probably stood up to protect me and he got mad. So theoretically, it's my fault. All of my mom's pain is my fault. Pretty much like everything else these days.

My mom doesn't deserve this. She lives in constant fear. Being scared of what version of her husband she's going to get today. The nice, gentle, caring and loving one, who buys her gifts and makes everyone laugh. Or the drunk, abusive monster who cheats on her and leaves her covered in bruises. She deserves so much better. He won't let her divorce him. I don't know why. I mean, if he hates us why doesn't he just get rid of us. Throw us out on the streets. It's logical. If you don't love someone anymore you divorce them, split your money and byeeee.

But my dad is never logical. He is the most illogical person you will know. When you get a good grade and you tell him (obviously only when he's in a good mood) he won't congratulate you, he will shout and tell you to study harder because if you tried harder you would have gotten 100% and not 97%. When you expect him to be sad because his mother died, he's happy and doesn't give a care in the world. My mom was sent to rehab 3 times because of him. She was (and probably still is) depressed and couldn't take care of us properly. By us, I mean me and my younger sister, Victoria. She's 7. My grandma takes care of her now. She said she could only manage one child and I would be 'too much to deal with' for her. Victoria doesn't even know how lucky she is to be living far away from this wretched household. My mom was devastated when she left though. She was even suicidal for a while. They took her into therapy. She was furious. She told them she could take care of herself just fine, but nobody belived her.

The worst part wasn't that she was taken into therapy though. The worst part, was that I had to stay home. On my own. With the man I was forced to call father. When mom was around he couldn't do much to me, but when she was gone all hell went down. I tried avoiding home as much as possible but when I was forced to return he still roared at me 24/7 and for no reason whatsoever. Sometimes he went as far as hitting me too, and little Victoria. Luckily, mom was back after a few weeks and from then on she seemed to be doing okay.

I'm such a hypocrite. I talk about my mom being sad and suicidal when I can't pull my life together myself. I cry the whole time, for no particular reason. I'm forever sad and alone and I don't know why. I ask myself is there something wrong with me. I have scars on my wrists from the long years of pain and humiliation I received at home and at school. I have been sad since I was 11. I'm 16 now and even more sad. I hadn't cut since last month and I wanted to keep it that way, but after I hear my dad saying I'm going to be taken away from them (my parents) anyway I know that it's going to be a long night.

I wipe my eyes with my sleeve and run to my room as quickly and quietly as possible. I find my headphones in the dark and slide them over my ears. I press play. I am in the dark, crying. Again. Fourth time this week and it's only Wednesday. I'm such a sad case. The music calms me down a little bit though. It helps me forget. I focus on remembering the words to the new song I'm listening to. My favourite band. I found one of their really old songs on the internet and I just had to download it. I don't know how I would even be alive right now without music. It saved my life more times than I can remember. I think the inspiring words mixed with the instruments and vocals are a recipe to brighten even the gloomiest day. Maybe only a little bit, but that bit is all it takes.

I sometimes think I can hear sobbing coming from the other room, but I might just be imagining it. This is what my dad does. He makes our lives miserable. A living nightmare. At least I'm finally getting taken away. Probably to a foster family. But what about mom? If I go, she's going to have to get through this alone and with everything she's been through, I'm not sure she can manage that...

About an hour later I take off my headphones. This time, I know the sobbing I hear is real. I decide to get out of bed and tiptoe to my mom's room (they even have separate rooms). As I walk in I see my mom, sitting against the wall on her bed crying, tears running down her face. The blotchy make-up hides the bruises that will be visible tomorrow. She sees me and I see the sad look in her eyes. I climb into the bed with her and we both lie down. We put our arms around each other and hug. We stay like that. She whispers "I'm sorry" repeatedly into my ear while I keep on reassuring her it's okay. The worst part is that it's not okay. It never was and it sure as hell never will be. And we can do nothing to stop this nightmare of ours. We are completely and utterly helpless.