Failed Chapters

Modern World: Child's Hatred of Parent

I fucking hate you.

I hate everything you are. I hate that you were never there.

I hate that you left me, mom, my brother, because you had a another fucking woman. You left us and you came back like you didn't do anything wrong.

I can't forget that.

Well, I did but now I won't let it go.

It was because of you my first dog died. She was just a puppy, she didn't have to die. You buried her and never told me where. I want to lay some flowers on her grave and lay this to rest.

It was because of you my brother's dog, Like, died. He didn't have to stay at your cousin's crazy house. Last I saw that dog, he was missing an eye! Now he's gone and even when we could take Like back you left him there.

You killed those dogs.

Then that time you dropped my phone. You didn't drop it, you fucking threw onto the ground and then you said I dropped it. Is it bad when all I want is your death, is it bad when my support is online? I couldn't get on Wattpad for a whole year.

There's a reason I'm so good at writing gore.

I want you dead so fucking bad...but mom loves you and I kind of do too.

Then why do you care so much about my school? For almost my entire life I was a straight-A student, that one time I scored a B. You scared me. That was the first time I realized you were wrong, I wasn't worthless.

So the next year I practically 'failed' middle school with my nearly straight-B grades. You were scary when you found out and I never want that to happen again. You made me fear you again.

It was because of that you increased your efforts in showing my wrongs by calling me stupid, worthless, and calling that reverse psychology. What kind of psychology books are you reading? That was fucking middle school, I just wanted to hear you say 'I love you.'

I wanted to know that you would love me unconditionally like a parent should. It was then I learned of conditional love, Mom says you love me unconditionally but I don't believe that. Not anymore, no matter how much I want to.

The second time I realized you were wrong was when you called me stupid, a witch, evil, because I openly opposed your ideas. I challenged your beliefs and it was worth it.

Somehow I lost your trust, but what trust did you have in me? Even when I told the truth you accused me of lying. There was no trust to begin with.

Eventually mom realized that what you said hurt and my mental health wasn't as good as it was two years ago. She comforted me and said you did those things because your father used to beat you and he's so much better than what you were when I was little.

It was then I remembered that it was because of you I had asthma. You used to smoke and I developed asthma. It was because of you it's so hard to breathe when I run, so hard to breathe that I can't stay inside because I'm choking and why?

Why were you so nice?

You used to spoil me and brought me, our family, us, with you on your travels. You even used to make sure there was a swimming pool just for me to play in.

Yet my brother...

I can't forget that.

Whenever he did something wrong...it hurt just to listen. That wasn't punishment, that was excessive. Whenever we both did something wrong, you used to spank him until he screamed and you made me listen.

It hurt.

Back then, the sound of crying used to make me cry because that person was sad and...I miss that. I miss that innocence. I still do that, if someone's sad I start to feel sad and it's so confusing.

I can't get rid of these bad memories.

Did you know I was run over by a car once? My leg still aches where it happened, sometimes for a whole half hour I limp because it hurts and did you even notice? Mom kept the accident secret because she didn't want you to leave again, this was during when you were gone.

Did you even notice?

Then when I try to grab your attention, you call me stupid. That I'm some imbecile that hasn't experienced the world yet so what right do I have to criticize you? By what right do I have to criticize you?

Sometimes I want to smash your head in with an iron and see if you'll call me stupid then.

You know, it's because of you I have a fear of getting caught doing things that are supposed to be normal. Snacks do not make a person fat, eating that one chip does not mean I was the one that ate all of your stashed foods. It was because of you I gained a habit of eating in secret, and then you came and said that i was fat and it hurt.

You threaten me with different things. Then you insult me then turn around and call me over-imaginative.

It was because of you I learned to want to make somebody hurt.

You're racist. Did you know that?

I had friends that were of multi-nationalities and ethnicities. There were Chinese, South African, Australian, and that one Mongolian girl. Did you know that South African's speak French?

Yeah, and I hate it so much when you employ your superiority. When you insult them in my hearing range as though you were taunting me.

Asians stink.

Africans are crazy.

Mexicans are crazy mutts.

White people are trash.

What did they do to you?

Yes, there is the usual bitch or bastard that truly deserves a slap in the face, but you can't just pair them all up with those racist ideologies. My brother is becoming racist because of you and i hate it.

Just because a few people were cruel to you as a child doesn't mean everybody is evil. The people that hurt you weren't even them, they were your own family, your own people. By what right do you have to criticize other people for problems that are here as well?

You left my family and those people were my friends. By what right do you have to criticize me for my shortcomings?

I fucking hate you and wish you were fucking dead.

Sometimes I pray that you would just go die in a ditch like your uncles and aunts and cousins. So that I can laugh and dance your grave because you're dead and gond.

Then when I calm down I hope that never happens because you're still my father. By some odd sense of filiel piety i have for you, I still love you.

Not as much as Mom though.

I hate you but I love you at the same time.

I hate you so much and wish you were dead.