Amelia (L.T)

Inured

When I pried the door open, Amelia ran in passed me through to the kitchen where ruckus could be heard. Deeper I walked into my parents' place, propping Amelia's bag on the couch against a throw pillow. I could hear from where I stood how Doniya entertained my two-year old. The house was a bit cluttered, and I could smell from where I was that the rubbish needed to be taken out.

I next heard tiny feet running up behind me, a tiny voice to match shouting, "Momma, Auntie Doni said we're gonna do my nails! I'm gonna be weal pwetty like Pwincess Jasmine."

"Baby, you already are pretty like Princess Jasmine." I kneeled down and kissed her forehead, brushing her chocolate fringe from her face. Looking up at Doniya from Emmy's level, I could see gray shadows casted under her brown eyes. Her hair was mussed and looked unwashed.

She gave her best effort at a smile and then said, "Hey Anya." I could feel my eyebrows crinkling together as our eyes met, a frown forming,

"Doni, you okay?" I knew what she'd tell me before she even said it.

"I'm good, yeah. 'Mma bit tired, but 's nothing a coffee couldn't fix. B'sides, Emmy 'n I've got so much to do tonight, innit?" In reply, Amelia popped into the air, agreeing enthusiastically, consequently head-butting me in the chin. After groaning in protest, she simply patted my chin with her small hand, apologising,

"Sowwy Momma. You wan me kiss it better?"

"Please," I whined, pouting my lip. She did just so. "Okay, Baby. I gotta go. See you tomorrow, yeah?" Her light brown eyes immediately began tearing up, her lip trembling.

"Mummy, why can't you stay wit me 'n Auntie? No wan you to go," she begged, small voice wet.

This part always hurt, knife digging into my heart and twisting slowly, painfully. Of course I wish I could be like a regular mum, staying home to watch my baby grow up. The dread still washes over me like a tsunami tidal wave at the memory of coming to collect Amelia, only to have Waliyah tell me animatedly how my baby had finally taken her first steps. That was a milestone I'd never get back. As Eddie's life emptied out onto the carpet of our house almost three years ago, Amelia growing in utero, I knew our family would never be like anyone else's. I'd never be a regular mum.

Amelia was only two, so she didn't understand the sacrifices I had to make for her; sacrifices like tucking her in every night with bedtime tales painting pictures in her dreams. Hopefully, when she was old enough, she would understand that everything I ever did was always for her. I didn't make a single step without factoring in how it would affect my baby. I knew that we didn't have a lot. I knew we lived in a less than desirable part of town. I knew that I was raising Amelia without a father. But I also knew that I was a better mum than any of the women with wealthy husbands, who didn't need to work, who took their babies for strolls in overpriced prams down the streets encased in posh postal codes.

Before I could ebb Amelia's mewling, Doniya tugged on the curls at the end of my daughter's ponytail. "Mummy's gotta go work, Emmy. You'll see her when you wake up tomorrow. Okay?"

Amelia stared between her aunt and I, lips puckered, expression unbelieving. Slowly she nodded, unsure if she was really okay with this arrangement, even if she did spend five nights a week sleeping in my parents' home instead of her own; this wasn't anything new.

"Pwomise?" her question directed at me.

"You can bet on it, Buttercup." We shook pinkies on it.

After I got my final kisses and hugs goodbye, Emmy disappeared off to another part of the house, leaving my sister and I alone. And I was more than ready to cut the bollocks. "Doni, when's the last time you got some sleep?"

She rubbed at her eyes like Amelia did when she was trying to wiggle her way out of a very necessary nap. "Couple days. 'S fine though, semester's almost over." My sister was a cosmetologist, and as she worked thirty hours a week doing hair, she also was taking courses in business with the hopes of transferring out to Uni. Let's not forget that she babysat Amelia five nights a week. I couldn't be more grateful for the support, but I worried that my sister was taking on too much.

"'S Liyah home? I didn't hear her," I questioned, slightly aware of the fact that Emmy was watching telly in another room.

Doniya went to the freezer, pulling out ingredients to finish preparing dinner. "No, she said summat about going to the cinema with her mates."

That worried me. I didn't like the thought of my 16-year old sister gallivanting down the streets of Bradford with her frivolous friends, not giving any attention to the illegalities around them.

"Does Mum know?" A better question would be if Dad knew. Doniya gave me a pointed look; the answer was obvious. Neither of our parents had a clue.

"Let me guess, she's supposedly at so-and-so's studying?" 'Twas more of a statement than a question. It was the oldest lie in the book. Doniya turned her back to me to sauté the veggies as the pasta boiled on the cooker.

"Don't act like neither you or me've done it." She was right about that. "Remember how much I had to lie for you; all those nights you'd sneak out to see Eddie?" There was that knife again, twisting round and round. When I opened my eyes, recovering from the memory of my first love, Doniya's matching hickory colored gaze was trained on me and my reverie, an apology on her tongue and condolence in her features.

"Anya... I'm-"

"Oh for Christ's sake, it's fine. Leave it, Doni." The wound bled even still, aching with the promise of nightmares to come. I pitched a necessary curve on my mouth, showing my sister that all was well, not to worry. She nodded, not quite believing me. I was seconds from saying goodbye and leaving the house when I quickly remembered that I had not a car to take me to work.

"Love, d'you think I could use your car?"

"What's happened with yours?"

"Oh you know, 's being a pain in me arse as per usual." Just then, Mum and Safaa walked through the front door.

Safaa ran into me first. "Hey Anya."

"Hey, Bug." I kissed her head. Mum held me next.

"I didn't know you were here. Didn't see ya car out front." She proceeded to flatten down my hair and wipe at the smudges of eyeliner under my eyes. Typical Mum and all that.

"Yeah, was just saying to Doni how me car was being looked at."

"Still giving you trouble, yeah?" I nodded. "I'll have your dad see if he can find you a different one." I almost told her that it wasn't necessary, but I knew she'd tell me to pipe down. So I just thanked her. Afterwards, Safaa and my mum went to go entertain Amelia.

Without actually receiving verbal permission, I went and swiped Doniya's keys from the dish. She hollered as I made my way to the door, opening it, "Put a bit of petrol in it this time, please."

"As you wish." Then I was gone.