The end of me

This is my life

~Six months before~

I hear my alarm go off. I press the off button and the sound stops. I pull my blanket up again and lay back on my soft pillows. I always stay in my bed 20 minutes after my alarm goes of. Usually I spend this time overthinking. Right now I'm just really stressed out. Today is my third exam. I haven't studied for it. Friday is my last exam. I never even had a chance on that last exam, so I didn't bother studying for it. Today's exam I should pass though. Exams are not the only thing I think about. My study in general is a problem. I chose wrong and I don't know what to do with it. My parents want me to finish this year and pass the courses of this year. This sounds impossible to me. I can focus on things when I'm motivated, I can focus on something when I know where I'm going with it. This study is going nowhere, is what I know. I have no idea what I'll do next year.

I look up at my alarm clock. I see it is 6:50. Time to get up. I get out of my bed. I feel weak. I've been fucking up my sleep schedule for quite a long time now and I'm starting to feel it a lot lately. I should sleep more. I don't get enough sleep on purpose. I slowly walk to the bathroom. I stare in the mirror. I stare in my own eyes, and at the dark circles around them. I look like a zombie. My hair is red and shoulder length. I remember it used to be brown, but I forgot which tone. I miss my brown hair. I died it after I broke up with my ex. That was long ago. Also before the summer of last year I cut it very short. Shorter then my brothers hair.  My hair is also very messy, so I tie it into two ponytails. I grab the first t-shirt I encounter and then I find some comfortable pants. I go downstairs to get breakfast. My brother is sitting on the sofa and watching tv. I never understood how someone can wake up much earlier and just watch tv before school. My brother is 12. This is his second year at middle school. He is still getting high grades. I look in the fridge I don't see anything I like so I grab a tomato and take it upstairs again. I put it in by bag, lock my room. I rush downstairs again. I put on a pair of shoes, grab the first jacket that I see and I go out the door. I have to catch the train. As soon as I step outside I feel the cold rain. I start walking to the station as fast as possible. Sometimes rain is calming, but not right now. It's early, I'm trying to catch the train. After walking one street, my foot starts to feel wet. I forgot these shoes have a hole in them. This is very uncomfortable. At the station I see the train is cancelled. Not again... 

I run to the busstop and get in the bus. That means I'll arrive at my exam last minute. I hate the thought of being late. In the centre of the city I arrive at the train station I run to platform one, where my train is alredy waiting. I get in and the doors close. The train is full, there is no room to sit, so I sit on the floor, because I'm a little dizzy. This 20 minute train ride is my least favourite part of the day. It gives me too much time to overthink. 

I finally arrive at the university. I'm in time, the exam starts in 10 minutes. As I walk towards the examination room, I meet my ex and Chase. I haven't spoken to Chase in a long time. It's good to see him. I say hi. He greets me back. But there the conversation ends. I think he really doesn't want to talk to me lately. I completely understand it, there are more then enough good reasons for him not to talk to me. Together with my ex and Chase I walk into the examination room. The five minutes before the test always feels like ages. In the room I also spot Ryan. We have become close friends, I think at least. I met him through my ex. I'm still friends with my ex and right now I'm over him completely. I have been for a couple of months now. His name is Jonas.

Two hours later I walk towards the station with Ryan. I don't want to go home yet. I am sure I failed the test and I'm not looking forward to my parents being angry at me. I talk a lot to Ryan. He is also unhappy with his study and is going to switch studies next year. Right now get along really well 'cause we are going through a similar crisis. It's good to have someane to talk to. But I know he doesn't understand me. I know he never will. A lot of people don't exactly understand me. Even I don't really understand me. But he understands me less then most of my other friends. He also is more boring then the rest of my friends. I mean I like him, but he isn't that special. He is a lot like other people.