The end of me

Ryan and Owen

It's the first day of the third quartile. That means new courses, new locations for courses, other schedule. I hate changes. I need each day or week to be exactly the same. Changes stress me out. That is one of the reasons it didn't work out with Jonas. He is not a planner. He always decides last minute and is chaotic. I'm the complete opposite. I need everything planned out perfectly and sometimes I got way too stressed out.

The only reason I'm still going to my courses is to meet Ryan and Jonas, since I can't see them outside of university. My whole day of courses is a blur. From 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM I've been listening to lectures. Ryan's lecture ends in 30 minutes. I decide to wait for him. I find a bench, and I lay down because I'm tired. After half an hour, Ryan joins me. He lays down next to me and he also looks really tired. We stay a couple more hours just laying there since we are tired. Somehow we end up kissing. My last kiss was before Christmas, so less then two months ago. That was when I spend a whole night with a stranger. That is also when I found out Jonas, my ex, was actually a bad kisser. Anyway, after this weird evening we get on the train and I go home. I think about the kiss. I don't think I really like Ryan in that way, but... It's nice to have someone hold you from time to time. 

Actually I haven't liked a lot of people. Since I broke up with Jonas, I haven't really cared about anything. I colored my hair and I have just been messing around a bit. Also, I stopped caring if everything is planned out, I stopped caring about what happens with my life. There is a part of me that likes the new me. I feel a little more free, I'm not that afraid to express myself anymore and I find it easier to talk to people, since I stopped caring about what they will think of me. A part of me doesn't like what I'm doing. I've always been very shy, never talked much. Always just tried to be like the rest and tried to fit in. Also I've always been more a good type of girl, never do anything wrong, a try hard. I used to get good grades. I'm sure younger me would be disappointed in me. I don't think youger me would understand why I changed this way. As I sit at the dinner table with my family, which is rare because I usually eat alone, one parent says to the other, 'we should ask her to show us her arms.' Of course I immediately know what they are talking about. I finish as fast as possible and go to my room. So my badminton trainer called them after all. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. My parents already knew about my scars, but there is a reason I don't tell them some things. Also there was a reason I didn't tell my trainer. I don't know why people always act on miniscule parts of a story. They don't know anything of my life. If for example the trainer had said anything about talking to my parents, I could have told him that they know, but I don't want him to talk to them about it, since when they discovered it last time, they kept making stupid jokes and said dumb things about it. Also they did never even try to understand. They might have cared for maybe one day. But nobody ever wants the whole story, everyone only acts on the juicy details, which on their own sometimes mean something different. I stop thinking. What happened can't be undone, I should just stop worrying and go to sleep.

The next week or so goes by fast. Nothing life changing happens. I only go to two lectures or so. In a week we will have a break for a week. I will go on a skiing vacation with my family. This week I still have a lot of assignments to finish though. It's sunday evening and I start working on one of the excersises. It is programming. I kind of like this course and I'm not completely a disaster. Also this excersise shouldn't be my priority right now. Tuesday evening I have a midterm and Wednesday morning also. The assignment I'm doing is for Friday. Also I should be getting some sleep. It is 2 AM and tommorow morning I have a class I have to attend. I'm tired, so I stop working on the excersises. But I don't want to sleep. I go on all my social media and scroll for a long time. Yeah it's boring, but it keeps me awake. Also I think about Ryan again. We really are close now. I don't mind it, but I'm also not exactly sure how to feel about him. We're so diffrent, yet in some ways pretty similar.