Confessions of an Ex-Death-Eater

18.

When Voldemort summoned all his Death-eaters to Hogwarts on the 1st May 1998, I knew this was it.

You had disappeared again after escaping from the Manor and all was frustratingly quiet and desperately on edge for a nearly a month. It was hell not knowing.

Then suddenly there was the break-in at Gringotts at the end of April. Voldemort was furious, but now with an added measure of desperation and fear. He seemed to be weakening. I think we could all see it. He was also remarkably paranoid about keeping Nagini with him at all times.

So, when Severus pressed his finger to the Dark Mark on his arm to notify us that you were at Hogwarts and control there had fallen, and Voldemort summoned us all, it beckoned the beginning of the end.

The battle itself was awful but, then, it was war. Still, nothing can quite prepare you for the dreadful reality: the noise, the chaos, the people, the death, the destruction, the fear, the futility of it all. Maman gave me her wand but it left her and father defenceless so I went after you, only to retrieve my own wand which you had taken from me at the manor in March, at least then I would be able to shield myself. That was when Vincent fell to his death and died by his own hand and nearly killed me, and you, Greg, Hermione, and Ron in the process. That was when you saved me. After that point I refused to partake in any fighting. It was all beyond me. I was not cut from the same cloth as you, Harry, I have never possessed your bravery.

I am a coward, at heart. It is not surprising to finally realise this, the truth is that is how my father, how Bellatrix, and how Voldemort held power over me.

I decided to help those who needed it, the injured and the powerless, the younger children caught up in this mess, but I refused to partake in any form of combat.

I will never forget the feeling of seeing a tear-stricken Rubeus Hagrid carrying your body across the viaduct and into the courtyard in front of the school. There was an element of disbelief, I couldn't actually believe it was possible that you were dead. I remember feeling stunned. It was combined with a feeling of helplessness, loss, despair, and heartache. My feelings were replicated in the silence that hung around the school.

You were dead...

I was called back to Voldemort's side and, resignedly, I went. I saw no other option than to go.

Then everything seemed to move so fast.

When you proved you had defied death yet again and came back from the Killing Curse for a second time, the Death-eaters finally crumbled. Many abandoning their Master and Disapparating away on the spot. It was the realisation that Voldemort was not as omniscient as he believed, that here was a seventeen-year-old boy who was able to vex him at every turn and defeat the supposedly undefeatable. This was when my father finally crumbled. He admitted his hopes were thwarted and defected but only in the hope of saving his own skin.

Maman and I followed gladly.

We left Hogwarts before the battle was over, before you finally vanquished Voldemort once and for all.

The day after the Battle of Hogwarts, after my father had put his affairs in order, we walked into the Ministry of Magic together and handed ourselves over. Lucius, an escaped prisoner from Azkaban and known Death-eater who had aided and abetted the rise of Voldemort for a second time, was given the Dementor's kiss. The Ministry were more lenient with maman and me; we are placed under house arrest with Tori at the Manor for four years.

It is a strange thing to both love and hate someone at the same time.

I cannot say I grieved for Lucius. I did love him, once upon a time. Perhaps I did right until the end. But I hated him for what he put my mother and me through, for the abuse, the pain, the despair, and his ideas of pure-blood superiority. He was a weak man driven by foolish ideas which had no foundation when placed under scrutiny and he placed all his dreams in a man who was a falsity to that rhetoric. Voldemort was no pure-blood. And there was no nobility in his actions. He was simply a man with self-aggrandizing ideas of power which came at a cost to all those around him. To truly believe in Voldemort, you had to be like my psychopathic aunt, bubbling on the edges of insanity. It is better that we are not like that in any shape or form.

To love and hate, to hate and love. It has been the central conflict of my young life. I hope I can leave all that behind me now. To be honest, I don't think I have the energy to hate anymore.

And you? For you were the one at the centre of these warring emotions.

No, dear Harry, I don't hate you. I don't think I ever did. The truth is I know you no better now than I did when I was a child. Though sometimes I think I know you better than anyone.

The truth is you saved me. You made me see.

And it is without doubt that I love you. That I always have. Lucius saw to that the moment he gave me a faked image of a green-eyed toddler with messy raven-black hair and a scar drawn on his forehead. And when I saw you in Hagrid's arms and I thought you were dead, that was when I truly understood the veracity of the situation between us, for my heart broke at the loss of you from my life. I saw in that instant that some emotions would never be able to remain buried, no matter how hard I tried, and I saw that no matter how much it was desired, some things were not meant to be. I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I did not see the truth earlier. I'm sorry that I never told you face to face.

Now? You may ask, Harry? What about now that it is all over and there is no Lord Voldemort and no Lucius Abraxas Malfoy to control my life? Well, atonement for my transgressions is not fulfilled, I'm not sure it ever can be. But now, I must look out for my son and make sure that he never has to live through my experiences. Scorpius is my life and I do not plan to forsake the love I have for him in any shape or form.

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