Jane Rizzoli
I came up behind the couch. Casey was sitting on one side, idly watching the flat screen. He'd showered, put on pants and a shirt. One arm draped across the back of the couch, the other rested on his leg. He was waiting for me to join him.
We'd woken in each other's arms, holding each other for a long time. Eventually, though, Casey had to give in to Mother Nature and reluctantly left the bed. I told him I'd be up in a minute. Secretly, I wanted a moment to think.
I'd grabbed a white robe, one of a few that Casey had bought for me to wear around our room, and wrapped it around me, tying the belt at my waist. I did this slowly, thinking hard even as I relished how the cloth moved against my skin, the carpet cushioning my bare feet. I looked longingly at the mess of a bed we'd left. Pieces of my and Casey's clothes were in a messy pile at the side of the bed.
I glanced down and noticed my hands were dancing together. I forced them to my sides and stared at the back of Casey's head.
Should I tell him now?
Losing my nerve, I circled the opposite side of the couch and sat down, staring straight ahead.
Casey's head snapped to me as soon I came within view. A worried crease wrinkled his brow when I didn't look at him. My back was ramrod straight, hands braced on my knees.
"Jane."
My head swiveled to him, hypnotic eyes wide.
Casey raised his hands slightly, thumbs in the air, and his face twisted into a look that perfectly said, 'Uh, hello? What's wrong with sitting by me?'
I looked away, "I'm sorry, Casey, I thought you were watching... I mean, I didn't want to bother you..."
Unconsciously, my fingers wrapped together again.
Casey promptly switched off the tv. "I wasn't even listening. I was thinking of... something else," he said, eyes raking over me.
"Oh." I couldn't think of anything else to say. My eyes dropped to my lap, noticed my fidgeting fingers and quickly separated them.
Casey noticed it, too.
Grabbing the back of the couch, he lifted and carried himself across the single cushion that separated us. He set himself down, flush against me, enough to make me jump. His arm went along the back of the couch again, and his other hand reached out to rest on my thigh. He brought his lips close to my ear.
"Something wrong?" His voice was low and husky. He felt me shiver against him and gently rub my leg.
"N-no, I'm fine... well, I don't know..." We both knew I was lying, but having him pressed so close sent my nerves into overdrive.
Maybe I'll wait?
The hand behind me came around and lightly trailed fingers along my arm. He was cuddling me. Legs and hips touching, arms circling.
I looked down at his hand and gasped.
"Casey, you're arm is bruised!" There were three colorful marks just below his wrist.
He chuckled. "Yes, thank you for that," he teased.
I looked at him, blushing furiously. "You said I didn't hurt you!"
"It doesn't hurt, Jane. I've been through a lot worse... you know that. Besides, I can think of less pleasant ways to be bruised than having my lover strangle my arm."
I sighed, glancing away.
Casey smiled wide as he looked down, trying to look at the mark. "I think it's kinda sexy."
"Casey..." I looked away from him.
"Hey, what's wrong?" His voice switched back to concern, and his hand returned to rub my thigh. His lips against my ear again.
I didn't say anything. His loose embrace strangled coherent thinking.
"Is this about last night?" he asked softly, stroking my arm again.
Last night. The images it conjured made me gasp.
I tried to control my shaky breathing. Get a hold of yourself, Riz. After last night you shouldn't even be allowed to act like a virgin!
"Last night was... Casey, last night was incredible."
"I thought so, too. So what's got you wound up so tight?"
"I... I know we've had this discussion before, but... well after last night it sort of came back. I mean, not right away. At first I felt wonderful and happy and you were next to me and..." I laughed at myself. "And I'm babbling like an idiot again."
The hand left my thigh and tucked a knuckle under my chin, lifting my face to look at him.
"You're such an amazing person, Casey... a wonderful man... a father. I don't know how I could ever deserve you, why you chose me." I felt pathetic as tears fell down my cheeks.
"Aw, Jane..."
A sob escaped me. I pulled away, embarrassed. Curse these pregnancy hormones of mine.
Casey immediately grabbed me and hauled me against his chest. I held him tightly, crying into his shoulder, as he rubbed my back.
"Shh, it's okay, sweetheart. It's okay."
He rested his cheek against my head until I quieted. Finally I lifted my head, but didn't pull away from him.
"Feel better?"
I nodded, "I'm sorry, Casey."
"Hey, don't apologize. It's what I'm here for. It's what we're both here for."
He cupped my face with his hand.
"Jane, if anything I should be asking you the same thing." The look I gave him clearly showed I didn't believe a word of it. But he pressed on. "You were so strong and cocky when we first met." He was smiling now, remembering. "And later you were carrying out your duties working for the BPD, even facing death to help people. Always so selfless, my Jane."
A little half-smile appeared on my face as he spoke.
"You've been with me since the beginning." He paused. "And you loved me when I thought no one could."
I watched him quietly, lulled by his voice.
"When I saw you again, years later, there was no doubt in my mind that you were a woman."
His thumb ran slowly over my lips.
"What a woman you are, Jane."
I felt beautiful, the way he looked at me. "Can I kiss you?"
"You never have to ask, love."
I pressed my mouth against his.
Our lips melded slowly, gently. Casey cradled my head as he bent over me.
My tears were those of happiness. Then I felt something wet trickle down from Casey's face to mine. I broke from the kiss with a gasp.
He was crying.
I stared, awestruck.
He blinked rapidly at the unfamiliar sting. He couldn't remember the last time he'd shed tears. But he wasn't ashamed. Not in front of me.
"Casey..."
It was like removing his own mask, showing me a part of himself no one else had seen. It made me realize that, despite loving each other deeply, we had both been holding back slightly, guarding a small part of our heart. Needing that little part to keep ourselves going, even if it was painful to do so. But now we opened fully to each other. Nothing would be held back ever again.
He stopped blinking and looked at me, eyes set, intense.
"I love you so much." His voice shook, filled to the brim with emotion.
I cupped his jaw. "I know, Casey. I love you, too. Forever."
"I need you," he said, pulling me close.
I smiled at him. "That's what I'm here for."
He kissed me as I pushed him back into the cushions.
