I'm almost me again (She's almost you)

Chapter 12

"I'm sorry," Jisoo said, her voice soft, listless, full of pity and sadness.

"Sorry," Lisa scoffed, a bitter smile curling her lips as she couldn't even bring herself to look at the woman she loved.

It was hard enough as it was. It was hard enough being there, listening to the words and realising that there was nothing she could do. Feeling powerless, Lisa turned to anger, stoking the smoldering embers within her chest as she resolved herself to rage to mask her hurt. By her twisted logic, if she allowed herself to be angry with Jisoo, it would hurt less. It was a bold-faced lie, but a welcome lie at that. The truth was too painful for her to confront.

"Lisa-"

"I love you."

"I know you do, and I'm sorry," Jisoo said, her voice a soft sigh, full of her own pain. "You know I never wanted to hurt you. But I can't help it."

Throat closing up, Lisa shook her head, her body taut and trembling as she let out a shuddering breath. She felt like she was suffocating, felt her chest constrict as her stomach twisted itself uncomfortably. A pain like nothing she'd ever felt before stabbed painfully in her chest, and there was an unfamiliar burning behind her eyes that startled her. Lisa hadn't cried since she was a child, since her father had died, yet the urge to do so was almost there.

"But you could've," Lisa snapped, her hands balled into fists. "You didn't have to- it could've been me! You could've picked me and I-"

"Lisa, you know that I never- I mean... I love you, I do. But you and I-"

Teeth grit in anger, she fixed her eyes on the grey walls, on the dreary view outside the window, anywhere but at the woman who was breaking her heart once more, and not for the last time either.

"Here."

And she looked, sharply turning to look at the quiet command in Jisoo's voice, her eyes landing on the slender tanned hand held out towards her. Moving forward almost instinctively, Lisa looked at the swallow tattoo inked darkly against her skin and swallowed the lump in her throat as thin fingers unfurled to reveal a thin coil of gold.

Her hand was already extended, and she tried to pull it back, but not before Jisoo managed to catch her wrist with her other hand, gently tipping the gold necklace into her palm, the little gold bird dangling from the chain. It was achingly familiar. Lisa had watched it hang from Jisoo's neck every day since she'd first met her. The fact that it was being given to her then could only mean one thing. It was goodbye.

"I don't want it," Lisa objected.

Cool fingers pressed Lisa's hand shut over it, obscuring it from sight, and Jisoo gave her a tearful smile. "Please. I know you think I'm being cruel, but I want you to have it. You know how much you've always meant to me. I'm just- I'm sorry it has to be this way."

"It doesn't make any difference. You picked her."

There was accusation in Lisa's voice as she spoke, the words harsh as her voice trembled with hurt and anger, and she turned her back on Jisoo and made for the door, ignoring the sound of her name being called after her. No one came after her though, and the door banged shut a moment later as she shoved her fist into her coat pocket.

-----

A few days passed by in loneliness and isolation. It wasn't that Lisa was avoiding Jennie, but their paths didn't cross and she found herself relieved yet troubled by it. Of course, Lisa still saw her, catching glimpses of taut shoulders beneath a shirt as Jennie kneaded dough in sight of the window, of a flash of black hair visible from the stern of her boat. She imagined Jennie saw her likewise, sitting on her deck and reading books on birds and plants, or traipsing through trees, the smell of pine strong and inviting as she walked over beds of pine needles and through bracken.