I'm almost me again (She's almost you)

Chapter 22

Jennie,

For too long now, I've written letters to the ghost of a person who, it turns out, I never really loved. Not the way I love you. I guess I was just carrying around the baggage that came with losing her, the memories of a person that was gone weighing heavily on my shoulders. I still carry her with me, of course, in my heart and my mind, and I think I'll carry her with me straight through to the very end. I think you know all about that, and I expect that you carry people around with you too, in those places of yourself. Such is the power of memory and loss.

But there's something to be said for the discovery of new people and the formation of fresh memories because I don't see her anymore when I close my eyes, and I don't hear her laughter in quiet moments. They belong to you now, as does my heart. I know it hasn't been easy, for either of us, and I don't think I can articulate properly just how grateful I am to you. I know it can't be easy to love someone who's still partly in love with a dead woman, but you never make me feel like I'm a burden because of it.

Instead, you've showered me with patience and love and all that kindness you're so sure I don't have to be deserving of, and you've taken hold in my heart. All of it. I know I said I could only give you half of myself, could only love you with half of my heart, but you've taken root and bloomed everywhere inside it. How could you not? I think I loved you long before I first realised it, long before I started to heal myself.

You taught me how to let go, in more ways than one, and it has been a weight off my shoulders to be able to admit the simple truth to myself; I have fallen for you in the simplest way, uncomplicated and shamelessly. My guilt is not reserved for my love for you. You've forgiven me for the broken parts of myself that hurt you out of spite and fear, and you've loved me for all the grief and sadness inside me, and how could I ever feel guilty about the innocence of such beautiful love you've brought to my life? It feels more right than anything else I've ever known.

There are things I don't quite know how to say to you, and I'm having trouble writing them too, but I realised that I wrote them all to Jisoo. See, I was writing to her to tell her about how I was healing, becoming myself again while I was stuck here, but I found that I wasn't myself. I didn't even know what that was. I wasn't me, and you weren't her, but you brought out the best in me, and I've come to an agreement with myself since then. I don't love myself, but I like the person I am when I'm around you, and I'm proud of how far I've come. And in part, that's because of you.

In hindsight, I can see where I fell for you, but I didn't even know it at the time. All I knew was that I wanted to tell Jisoo about you, wanted to fill letters with the things we said and did together, the places we went and how you looked when you were deep in thought. For a long while now, you've plagued my every thought, and I can't tell you how many times I wanted to cross the hall and knock on your door, just to spend a little bit more time with you. Truthfully, I never wanted to leave; I was just scared. It seems silly to say it, but I was. I was frightened of the way you understood me, without me even having to explain my sadness, I was frightened of the way you felt like sunshine on my face, so pure and warm, and of how you laughed like Jisoo, with so much joy that I thought that it could only end with me getting hurt again.

But you were right, and of course we'll hurt each other, because love is bruised egos and wounded pride. But I'll be sticking around a lot longer than autumn, I think, to kiss your hurts better and apologise for my mistakes. I know there's still a lot of growing for me to do, but I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere, because I know what it is to have a home and to be loved, and all I hope is that I can make you feel the same way. When we met, I was at the lowest point in my life, but I've been finding my footing again, finding new pieces to help replace the parts that were missing, and I'm okay now. It feels like a weight off me to be able to say that I'm happy, and I'm happy with you.