Emma (before Red Band Society)

Mirror

I get to my room and finish my homework. It's time for me to shower. I hate how my hair requires me to wash it everyday or else I will look even more appalling. I remove my clothes after turning the shower on. I can't help but stare at myself. My eyes are drawn to my stomach. It looks a lot bigger than it feels. I look a lot bigger than I feel. How can what I feel overcome what I see? How can what I see overcome what I feel?

I run my hands down and over where my ribs are...where my hip bones are.. They are protruding out of my skin which makes me feel even worse. I hug myself and stare at my feet. I look up and get a little lightheaded so I lean against the wall for a moment. I get in the shower and finish as quickly as possible so I can get dressed. I put on a large shirt and really baggy sweat pants to sleep in. I laid in my bed and read some of The Hunger Games before I going to bed. I really want to know what happens after Katniss thanks those people from the Capitol for their consideration. But now I must sleep.

The next morning Finley wakes me up by shaking me violently. She said she just wanted to borrow a pair of earrings and that she was about to call mom to come see that I wasn't waking up. I sat up and hugged her. When she pouted and said she thought I was dead I made a decision. I asked her if I ate breakfast with her if it would help her feel better. She said it would and so I did. I made us cinnamon toast. Cinnamon toast is a piece of toasted bread, with butter spread on it, and sprinkled cinnamon sugar on top. I didn't put butter on my slice but I ate the bread and cinnamon. I was putting the plates in the sink as mom walked in.

She asked what was going on. Finley told her how we had just eaten cinnamon toast as I rinsed the plates off. My mom gave me a certain look which made me feel she was proud of me. For the first time in a really long time, actually. She kissed me on the head and told me to have a good day. I nodded and walked out to the bus stop.

School was lame today. Almost every class we had a free period. If there's nothing to teach then why have class? Can't we just have an extra day off? Since it's Friday night I'm going to spend the night with Darcy. I went to her house about six and gave her parents the excuse that I had eaten before I came.

We played Clue and we played Uno. Her family is really nice to me. And her house is amazing. It always smells like flowers. Her mom is without a doubt a neat freak because everything was in a certain spot and if I moved it, she moved it back to that exact spot as if not moving it back would harm her. Darcy is opposite to her type A personality. Darcy's room has many piles of clothes everywhere. I don't mind the clutter. It reminds me of my mind.

Darcy laid on her bed and texted her boyfriend Evan. Evan goes to West Coast because of his zip code. She shows me photos of him and their conversations. He tells her she's beautiful and all I have to do is pretend to be really happy for her and pretend to value his respect for her. But really on the inside I'm jealous. I'm jealous of Darcy's life. She's never had anybody talk down to her and she's never had any issues. Her boyfriend adores her and cares about her so much. He thinks she's beautiful for crying out loud. Nobody thinks I'm beautiful. Even if they did, I wouldn't agree.

I stand up and look at all of the perfume bottles she has on her dresser. This family is all about smelling good. I try my best not to look up at myself in the mirror and then Darcy comes and stands by me. She asks why she can't have my hair. I look up and see myself and suddenly I become uncomfortable. I slightly part my lips and try to conceal the painful expression on my face. I tell Darcy how her hair is fine. Darcy has very thin blonde hair that doesn't grow past her shoulders. Like ever. But she still looks good. She's really thin.

I look at myself and dig way too deep into my mind about how I look. I look at Darcy and smile because I realize it would be really simple to not eat if I'm over here. I know it sounds bad that I'm using my friend for my own control problems but it's necessary. I begin to get all girly and start talking about the plans for the weekend and list things we could do. I start to make a list. She says I need to chill out and just go with the flow.

We lay down for bed and she falls asleep after like 10 minutes. I stare at the stars on her ceiling and wonder about life. Eventually my eyes start to close and I get to wear I can't do anything but sleep. I'm glad the day is over.

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The whole weekend we did so much stuff nobody realized I didn't eat. We went to the mall, the movies, the park. It was eventful, to say the least. Saturday night and Sunday we had a Batman movie marathon. We quit the last one and watched Finding Nemo instead. Come on, who doesn't love Dory? I needed laughter so I'm glad we watched it. It was about 7:00pm and my mom drove up and picked me up. We got home and she asked if I was hungry. I told her I had spaghetti at Darcy's and then I started to tell her what we did the whole weekend to take her mind off of it. She said it sounds like we had a lot of fun but now I needed to get a shower and get ready for bed. Tomorrow I have a science test.