When I was a little girl I grew up way too fast. Everything around me changed for either the better or worst, but all I know is... I changed. I didn't live in the slums or the very rich houses, I could say I lived in a not to poor neighborhood that had thugs here and there. I had a dad that is dead to me today but as a kid I thought I could be just like him such as tall, cool, and a good partner. My parents taught me that marriage was a thing of commitment and people who break it are no better than trash (harsh I know). So I grew up believing that but when my dad hit my mom one day that all completely shattered. I had a broken family, heart, and mom. When they filled a divorce I knew my mom changed. She started to work more, see my less, and raised 4 people by herself (including grandparents) All at the age of 6. I was torn. Then realized my dad never cared for me, I realized that when he got into the police car. Everyone on my dad's side hated my guts even my step sister, who at the time blamed me for everything.
After a few months past I finally entered elementary but, little did I realize it was full of white kids. I stuck out like a sore thumb. I couldn't hang out with the blacks cause I was half Asian and for Asians I looked more black than I was Asian. Now there were only a handful of each so not being part of a small group really sucked. I had a neighbor who was one year older than me but went to different schools. He was my only friend I had those 6-7 years I've been there, he was more like a brother than a neighbor. He try and give me advice on how to make friends for when he wasn't there, so we would practice it at his house till it got dark. I would try to play with them but they all left even after me and him practiced. Me the dumb friendly kid I was followed them. One day they were tired of my and shoved me to the ground calling me mean names. At that time mean names such as "different" "weirdo" "gross" to me I was never called that before and it really hurt. I took taekwondo since I was 4 and to me I had to stand up for myself. So, I stood up and punched the kid in the face. At that exact moment I knew. I would never have friends at this school again.
In that school I've been to 2 places to most 1. The yellow lunch tables 2. The office. I was a "problem" child the principle said when she was talking to the other staff members. I could tell she didn't like me, almost every week I was up there for dumb things. Kids would joke and say that I lived up there. I didn't think it was funny. When the principal didn't want to see me she would send to the yellow lunch tables. Those. Were. The. Worst. Kids passing and going just staring at you sitting on the bench. Watching other people play was one of the things that calmed me. If I could think back one thing that was good about those lunch tables it would be the leftover lunches 😋. As I said before my mother was too busy to pack me lunches like you see in movies, she would give me money and my grandparents would drop me off. I hated those white moms who would do anything for their kids like make lunches, participate in school events, and the parents-child lunches.
My mother couldn't do any of those but I couldn't blame her. Even now I don't resent her in any way. If I thought back hard about my elementary school life? Before that people wonder "why didn't you tell your mother?" oh I've tried but she was too tired, too mad, or not even there at times for me to tell her. The little me couldn't even tell her how my day went, if I wanted a new toy, or even a let's go do this. At a early age my mother taught me to not need a man in my life and that even women can do hard work. I admired my mother for that. So every field trip the moms would come and me? I get stuck with the teacher and a $20 bill. I was awfully jealous thinking back, if I went back again I would do everything over again! Being alone and what not. So I tend to have a huge ego and try to cop with people who lead but it itches at me to tell people what to do.
In place of my father my grandpa was like my father figure. He looked young enough (tho he was 70). He taught me how to whistle, draw, and speak Chinese. I can't live without him. He is like those hardcore Asians who believe in marriage is forever, dating at 20, driving at 20, and the house work should be for women. He is a green thumb, always been. He would have gardens full of vegetables and I would come and try to copy his by making my own, later getting yelled at. He was such a hardcore Asian that he doesn't show say "I love you" to anyone in the family. He instead had different ways of showing it by giving me live animals every year. At 6 it was a turtle, 7 was chickens, 8 was a dog but traded for a bunny, and 9 were more chickens( was a rooster but neighbors reported it). He made me food, drove me to school and back, and did my hair (even tho he had no idea how to do mixed hair). Typing this brought tears in my eyes because if one day... one day if he does leave I'll be so lost without his mean words cause that's like losing a real parent to me. I know recently I've been a terrible granddaughter yelling and screaming at him for ting things, hell I could even see him when he collapsed! Cause I was so scared to see him in that state and the needles that were in him.
I've only talked about everyone who affected my life but never about myself. I am a depressed child who finds no meaning in life and hates herself more than anyone in this world. I was an anti-social brat who had nothing but a stand of hope for friends. I could remember how desperate I was for friends that I made a candle shrine and prayed to it for friends everyday after school. Since my grades slowly dropped (like my friend) I joined kumon, a program that helps kids get better. I made friends that were 2x as old as me, I was so naive. Think they actually liked me. Before I felt really friendship I faced my first heartbreak in 3rd grade before my brother ever came into my life. "I love only you" he said as he texted other girls behind my back. I knew. But the naive kid I was, only wanted a thing I could cling to. Thinking about it now really hurts me trusting someone I thought I could be with forever. I didn't even know this feeling back then, but I know now. "trust issues". After moving here to Ontario. I cut my hair to start a new life. From an anti social brat I became the loud and annoying person most people know today. I still have feelings, even if I act like I don't care, yell, fight, laugh, or cry in front of anyone. Maybe I just need someone who can sit me down and give me a warm hug and say "I care" but that's only in movies.. speaking of movies. I thought my high school life would be exactly like some cheesy high school movie where I bump into someone I don't even know, fall in love, drama here and there, but have a group of friends that stick with me since day one. Though none but the dramas thing has occurred it's still good to dream.
I have a bestfriend who, when I first met, was only there because she wanted something. Sometimes I think that too. When she calls me and asks for things I'd gladly help, but in her world I think I'm just a girl who was labeled as a best friend. I guess I've always been there for her since middle school when she went through fazes, even left my own hoco date to cheer her up. He probably resents me for that 😅. But I'm glad I've met her and to have called her the word bestfriend means the world to me.
To people who have read this far I would run an extra mile for anyone. Like the song goes "I've been broke so many times I don't know what to believe". Some of you may think that's complete bullshit but even if your aren't a real friend don't tell me. Just let me carry that burden on my own. It's better if people didn't owe me anything 😋. Being second best is also great if I get to see everyone in first. Putting myself down is what people would call it but as I see it? That's the best feeling if they're happy. I've done it so many times supporting a crush to go with someone other than me has been something I'm good at. If that was a sport I'd be top 5 in the state. I use snap chat as my daily thing to keep my smiling at tuff needs I guess 😅 when nobody can pick up my calls or if everyone is asleep I like to check it and see the funny things in life the depressed ones. Honestly writing this far I realized I've done so many people wrong. It was never their fault! It's just my stupid ego. If I ever wronged you just know... I'm sorry and I hope we can make up like we were.
What saved me in middle school from dying were 3 things 1. Anime 2. Art. Those exact things showed me a world where I could express myself and know I wasn't the only one. The third thing was a thing I honestly don't like to mention to everyone but to put it short. I set the agreement that if I became better at making friends... I die at 25. The agreement will shatter if I find a will strong enough to last me past it but doesn't mean consequence doesn't apply. Honestly I've met so many good and bad people that it scares me to know that we only see each other once in a lifetime. Haha getting emotional just thinking about it... today may mark the day that friends are the only thing I need in life. No partners or anything. If I die at 25 I probably left a couple of things. 1. This short story before I turned 16 2. A daily diary in my notes or docs 3. In my drawings of the people and things I liked and 4th things would be a Kahoot! Game. If I left nothing then I was killed before I could make at least 2 things.
