Companionate (18+) | Completed ✔️

Chapter 40: "She never loved you."

Tobias

I looked down at the amber fluid that was filled in my tumbler, I swirled the drink around with my hazy sight. I knew I was on the verge of being drunk, my chest was heated and I was losing control but right now that's what I needed. I needed a moment to not have to feel anything, I couldn't go on feeling the brokenness in my heart from losing her.

She'd left me.

The woman I loved more than life itself, the woman I thought I would never have to go a day without, the woman I craved with every fiber in my body and the woman I would have given the world to if she asked me to.

The pain I was feeling was like nothing I had ever felt before, it was torturous and I felt myself completely breaking. The world around me was collapsing and there was nothing I could do about it. She left me already and I couldn't do a thing to change it.

My heart was shattered, my mind was running, and my whole body was breaking at the seams. It hurt and the hurt wasn't stopping.

The last few drinks were supposed to slow the pain, it was supposed to decrease it, it was supposed to make it all go away. But nothing could stop the heartache filling my whole entirety. She's gone and I can't get her back.

I replayed every word she wrote in that letter, I felt the tear ridden pages on my fingertips as if my fingers couldn't forget the way that they felt and I remembered the look of the pages, the tears that smudged each paragraph. But I couldn't understand it, if it hurt so much to write the letter then why did she leave? Why is she putting me through this? How can I believe the words she wrote and the tears she cried if she still left me?

All these questions swarmed my mind as my head fell into my unoccupied hand, my elbow was rested on the bar and I could see a figure to the left of me but all my body was in tuned to was the sounds of my heartbreak. Nothing else around me mattered, I didn't even know how I found myself here with a sixth glass of whiskey, maybe eighth who knows at this point, I had lost count. I just knew that every time a tear-filled my eye the bartender brought me another drink.

I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't tell him my darkest of secrets, I wouldn't look to the bartender to be my therapist for the night. How could I? How could I speak the words that I never wanted to say out loud? The love of my life has left me and I don't even know why.

Saying it out loud makes it real, makes the feeling in my heart real, makes the feeling in my chest real and makes the glass in front of me filled with this liquid poison real. She was really gone.

How didn't I see it coming? How didn't I hear the words she never said? Why didn't I listen to the goodbyes she was telling me? Why didn't I realise that her persistent I love you's were a goodbye? Why didn't I really hear her when she said promise me you'll never forget?

Fuck the promise. She doesn't even love me, if she did she would have told me, we would have talked it over and got to a conclusion. We would have dealt with it together. That's what love is right?

Or maybe I just have this twisted idea of what love is, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe not having a mother around to show me what love really was made me think this way. Maybe having a father and brother that hate me for being born did this to me. Maybe I'm the problem, no-one ever loved me or showed me how to love so how could Monroe love me if my family couldn't?

I felt the tears begin to pool in my eyes once more as I finally took in the sights around me, I was alone at a bar with a few of the locals sitting in their booths, the only person around was the bartender. He looked at me with an unreadable look on his face as he continued to clean the glasses, I gave him a non-verbal plea for another glass as I shot back the last of the amber coloured liquid.