Don't tell me freedom is free

If I were more like Millie

My life is normal enough. My parents are normal. My friends are normal. I'm normal. It seems that being average is good enough in the world. As if slapping a sticker on your forehead and labelling your self as 'just another face in the crowd' makes you okay. It means you are safe. It means you are accepted. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be brave enough to stand out. But for now I'm just going to be normal.

I sigh and close my journal. "I think that's enough for today don't you millie?" I ask my cat. Millie an example of the unnormal. If you were to picture a cat in your mind it would probably be small and lean. Not millie. Millie is a fucking beast of a cat. She's the size of a 3 year old child, and acts like one too. It's my fault really, that Millie is so fat. I feed her way too much. But Millie doesn't care she struts all 50 pounds of her. I want Millie's confidence, with it, I could probably rule the world.

"Evie! Time for school honey!" My mom chirps. I mumble something incomprehensible. Something I do when I have no energy to speak, but need to give a response so I don't get my ass-whooped. I climb out of bed and begin to search the mountain of dirty clothes In my closet for something that smells at least somewhat clean. As a teenage girl, I can tell you that I run through clothes like an alcoholic runs through beer. When I finally just pull on some jeans and  a sweatshirt, I go to the bathroom, and look at my face in the mirror. And there on my face, was the biggest zit I have ever seen. And not just on my cheek or something, this son of a bitch decided they were going to pop a squat right on the tip of my nose. "Great! Just what I needed to start my day! I mean I know it's close to christmas but this is too far hormones! To far!" I yell at my reflection as if that will somehow magically make the thing disappear. I check my watch, (yes I have a watch, those things still do exist). I sighed, twenty minutes should be enough time. "Alright pimple, it's just you and me." After twenty minutes of washing, covering, and covering some more, the damn pimple still shows through the makeup like a light. "Ya know what?" I tell my reflection, "fuck you and society's rules! I don't need makeup!" Walking downstairs, I found Mom in the kitchen leaning against the counter hunched over. "Mom, what's wrong?" I ask concerned. Mom looked up her face scrunched in pain, but quickly replacing it with a smile. "Oh nothing sweetie! My backs been acting up a bit these days, just some old lady problems hun, nothing to worry about!" She rushed. "She's been acting really weird these days" I thought. I brushed it off trying to believe what she said.  And with that, I was off to school.

I slammed my locker closed and was greeted with the face of my most favorite person in the world. "Damn girl what happened to your face! That thing is huge!" My best friend sophie teased me. "What? This?" I responded innocently. "Oh well you see, the pimple fairy decided to drop by and didn't think I had enough already, so she was nice to leave me something extra special" I beamed sarcastically. Sophie snorted. "oh hey!" she started, "Liam wants to talk to you!"Sophie moved her eyebrows up and down. Liam was the high school quarterback, and every girl's dream. The problem was that he was a huge jerk, not to mention dumber than a pile of bricks. "Sophie, I've told you before, and I'll tell you again. That- that...Boy child...thing, he's not my type, so you go walk your pretty little butt over to his extremely muscular one and tell him I said he can suck my-" "Miss Daniels, I need you in my office please." I turned around, and Mr. Daily, the principle, was standing behind me, his face unreadable. "oh...umm, ok" I squeaked. He must just talk to me about what just happened right? There's no other reason I should be going to his lair, I mean office. My grades are decent, I have perfect attendance, and I've never gotten a referral in my life. "Miss Daniels" Mr. Daily repeated, snapping me out of my daze. On the way to his office I was thinking of all the excuses I could make. As I prepared myself to hear my fate, Mr. Daily steered me in the direction of the guidance offices. "But Mr. Turner-" I started. "No Evie, this is where you need to be right now" he insisted. Now I was freaking out, what did I do? Nothing I can recall, unless I sleep walked all the way here, and vandalized the school or something. Mr. Daily dropped me off in front of Dr. Frank's door. He started to walk away, but turned around and gave me a pitiful smile. "I'm always here for you Evie, if you want to talk" he offered. This day just keeps getting worse and worse. I just nodded, and taking a deep breath, I opened the door.

"Evie, what I'm trying to say is your mother is in the hospital" Dr. Frank disclosed. I sat there in shock. I finally managed to get my heart beating. "Why?" I whispered, not looking up. Dr. Frank sighed. "I'm afraid she has breast cancer" At that moment I broke. I sobbed, trying to rid myself of the pain in my chest. Dr. Frank just let me weep. When my crying subsided, she told me I could leave, or would I like a ride? I told her I was ok. As soon as I was in the safety of the sound proof walls of my car, I screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed for my mother. I screamed for me. When my voice was gone, I took to beating my fists against the steering wheel. "Why, why, why, why" I wailed. My heart was beating so hard, I could hear it in my ears.  Walking up to the hospital, I compared it to a prison. Large, concrete, a bunch of sick people. Yea, about the same. Before I went to her room, I stopped by the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, and laughed weakly at myself. "God, your a mess" I mocked my reflection. I wiped my eyes, and blotted away the redness. I practiced a smile, but I wasn't fooling anyone. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Do it for mom" I whispered. When I tried again, and it was much more convincing. Before walking into mom's room. I promised myself something. My mother would never see my pain. I was going to be strong for her. I walked into the room, and fought to keep my smile when I saw her form in a hospital gown hooked up to an IV. "Hi mom" I greeted, taking the seat by her bed. "My baby" Mom said groggily. I took a deep breath to stop myself from crying. "How are you feeling?" I asked. "Better now that you're here" she smiled. I frowned, and a thought came to my mind. I looked down at my hands. "Mom, how long have you known about it..the cancer" I demanded. Mom wouldn't meet my eyes. "Mom-" I started. "Only a couple of months" Mom blurted. I stood abruptly, knocking the chair over. "Why wouldn't you tell me?!" I exploded. Mom looked away, but I could still see the tears streaming down her face. I softened immediately. "Why?" I repeated, sitting back down. "I- I just didn't want to worry you, I know how you get, and I thought it would be better if I didn't tell you. I'm so sorry Evie, I was only trying to protect you" Mom put her face in her hands. I took her hands in mine and held them against my heart. She looked at me, her eyes conflicted. "Mom, I know" I comforted. Then I added "From now on, it's you and me mom. It's you and me together. Cancer won't stand a chance." She just smiled at me, and we held each other until we fell asleep in eachothers arms.