don't let me fall asleep

41. a shooting star

a year ago my therapist asked me to write 10 reasons to live down on a paper after one of the worst attempts.
I struggled to come up with 10, but i remember one that came about so easily, shooting stars.

the thing is,
i only ever saw 3 in my whole life.
the first one i saw was with my father.
we were riding in the car and i remember not being happy and i remember it being dark and as i was staring out the window, there it was.
brighter than any star lasting no more than a second
it pierced through the darkness of the night lighting up the sky momentarily but the feeling i had that night was not momentary.
i asked my dad if he had saw it and he looked at me and laughed sarcastically and said that he did and "so?" i didn't let it make me feel stupid cause i knew it wasn't.
when i went home i texted you, i told you all about it and i'm not comparing but you didn't say "so?", you were not sarcastic, you listened and you liked it.

the second time, i don't remember very much but i remember you. I remember telling you. i remember you carefully listening to every word i said.
i remember you.

the third time was today, i was laying on the rooftop. a dog running around and the smell of chicken being barbecued. it was getting darker yet the moon was bright and every minute it got darker, a star would get brighter, and then there it was, a shooting star.
it was as beautiful as i always remembered them to be. as blue and as astonishing. it reminded me of why i included it in my list in the first place.
but i had no one to tell this time, so here am i.
and as much as i hate it, it reminded me why we do what we do.
it reminded me of the beauty there is no matter what.
it reminded me to stay alive
and the same way I was with my dad in the car at that specific time, going in that specific way, taking that specific route and direction,
the same way i was laying on this rooftop on this specific day, at this specific time, staring at this specific part of the sky
the same way all of it was, what's meant to be will be.