Untitled [l.s.] - ON HOLD

three

Pain is something we have to experience, and we can't stop it, no matter how hard we try.

I start to feel the real pain behind the fresh cuts, and I quickly open my eyes to find blood dripping on the floor. Shit, mum's gonna see that. I'm crying silently now, running to the bathroom to grab tissue and put pressure on the fresh cuts. There are no band aids in my bathroom, so I head across the hall into the guest bathroom. I'm shaking, which makes it hard to get down the band aids from the medicine cabinet. I put only two on the worse ones, I don't want to make it obvious.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. The adrenaline pumping through me isn't letting me feel the real pain of what just happened. I did feel it for a quick two seconds, and then it was gone. The tears emitting from me have ceased, and I feel amazing. But I need to get someone over here because I don't want to do anything stupid that'll cause me my life.

I pick up my phone from my bed sheets, and call Gemma.

"'lo?" she answers in a chirpy voice, and I swallow the words I was going to say. "hello?" she asks again, and I clear my throat.

"Hi, Gem," I say in a quiet voice, and I can almost hear her smile through the phone.

"Mum told me what happened, Har." she says sadly, and I inhale deeply.

"She did?"

"Yes. It's okay, Harry. I still love you just as much. Maybe just a little more for finally telling her."

"What?"

"Harry, sweetie, I've always known. I know about Nick. How he dated that girl behind your back, then that guy came out on the football team. Guess how I know?" she asks, and I ask how. "My best friend is Nick's brother, Nathan. Nick told Nathan that he thought he was gay, and Nathan told him how god would shun him and crap like that. So that changed Nick's mind, or so he thinks. Anyhow, I'm so proud of you, Har. I love you, little bro." she says, and I feel ashamed for cutting myself.

"I love you, too, Gem. But, um, I have to tell you something." I say, swallowing my pride and adrenaline.

"What is it?"

"Gemma, I.. I did something."

"What did you do, love?"

"I, um, I cut myself." I exhale, hoping she won't yell.

"Harry," she sounds broken. "I'm coming over there. Leave the door unlocked." She says, and I plead her presence to be at uni. "no. I'm coming. See you soon." she hangs up so I don't get another word in.

I panic, running around in frenzies trying to clean up my room so it looks like I was sane enough to think about cleanliness. I flush the tissue with dried blood on it down the toilet, and stash my broken pencil sharpener back in my desk drawer. My phone rings as I'm finishing up, so I pick it up and answer it without looking at the caller ID.

"Hello?" I ask because strangers call for drastic measures. (Pun not intended.)

"Harry? Are you alright?" I hear, and I pull the phone from my ear to check caller ID. Mum.

"Yeah... You?" I joke half-heartlessly, knowing she's at work.

"If working hard is what you call okay."

"Okay." I say, and there's a pregnant silence that follows.

I take that time to think about why she's calling. Maybe it's her lunch break? Worried about her gay, dumbass of a son at home alone? I have no clue, and I realize I haven't asked, so I ask.

"Mum, why did you call me?"

"Well," that's what she says when she's about to give me a long ass lecture, "I couldn't wait until I got home because, for one, I won't get home until late, and I want you in bed. Two, I need to apologize. I didn't mean what I said yesterday, and I want you to know I love you so so much. I want you to be happy. Do you hear me, honey?" she finishes, and I nod, but then I remember she can't see me.