Every Flower Blooms

        They say to grow a garden you have to take extra special care of the little things. That would include the sunflower. The sunflower thrives for light but when there's nothing but darkness, the flower won't reach its potential to bloom. I was that sunflower. In some cases, I still am that sunflower.

         I grew up in a nice small town called Bolivar, Missouri. It was warm, homely and unique. It was a town with a great diversity of people and religions. This town was just like one you'd see in movies, where everybody knows just about everybody. Unfortunately, I ended up moving around so much and I ended up with problems when it came to being social. I didn't have friends longer than a month and in general I never fit in.

        When I was younger I was such a bright, positive, and cheery child. I didn't give much thought when it came to the bullies, or the angry voices that once sang me to sleep, or anything really. The only thing I knew is that when I came home from school, a dog would be there waiting to greet me. Max was my best friend and not to mention my only friend. To most he was just a dog, to me he was more than just a dog.

       For many years it was like that, coming home from a bad day but always having something to come home to. This was until he got sick, he was hurting and he wasn't the same. I needed to let him go because I knew, if it was the other way around, he'd do the same. At this moment, nothing ever felt the same. I never thought it'd make such an impact on me but quite simply my home didn't feel like home anymore.

       In order for a flower to grow, it needs the right amount of water and sunshine. Which for the most part I had, until the rain before the rainbow turned into a hurricane. I was bullied till my eighth grade year, my parents were always fighting, I had no one to talk to. I felt so alone, trapped, and my only way to cope with it is by taking it out on myself. This caused a distraction which as this point I so badly needed.

      When you take away the sunlight from a sunflower is begins to whither and die. When you take the light, the childhood, the happiness from a child, it takes away their ability to shine. I knew at that moment, I wasn't the bright, positive, cheery child I was back then. I felt the darkness closing in and the old me began to fade away. This is the point in my life where I was lost and I lost myself somewhere along the way.

      At this time I was introduced to new things and came to the conclusion that I was transgender. I believed I was a boy trapped in a girls body, with this I eventually came out to my family. After awhile I was blinded and so focused on myself, I never realised how it might have affected the people around me. I felt unloved, unsupported, worthless, I felt like an outcast and I couldn't handle that. Little did I know, they loved me but I chose to ignore it because I didn't feel accepted when I was in my own way. The monsters from under my bed started to appear in my head and after a certain point I was too close to the edge.

     I decided to make the choice to proceed in taking my life. I was in the hospital overnight and had IV's in my arm, I was told I was lucky I didn't have liver damage. Sleeping in the hospital is hard, especially when your heart monitor keeps going off when you sleep. I went to the Calm Center for my problems and I stayed there for a week. There were no windows, no sunlight, no family. Once I got out, just the feeling of the sun on my face was comforting.

    I spent time and time again after this arguing with my family. They cared, I know they did but I had the nerve to say they never cared enough. My Freshman year was starting and I got the news that I was moving to Claremore. After the big move I met amazing people and discovered ROTC. I started visiting my father after what seems like forever, and for some reason when I came back home, I started picking up all the pieces. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to face but I was finding myself.

    I confronted my mom and said," You were right, this isn't who I am but I'm going to find myself and I need your support." I soon came to the realization that my name is Ashley, I am a girl, but even better, I am myself. After so much time, I had found the light again and this is when I realized, in order for a sunflower to survive it needs to thrive for light. I was that sunflower and I was thriving more than ever. I was shining more than ever and to this day I still do. I found myself just like a sunflower finds its light, with special care and love, every flower blooms.

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   Hello there~! My name is Ashley, I originally wrote this story for my english class my Sophomore year, I've shared it with teachers on many ocassions. This is based on true events! It's about my life and a little bit of what I have been through. I want everyone to stay strong! You are not alone, someone somewhere has been, or has gone through what you are going through! With that being said, stay safe, and stay breezy!

                                                                                                                   ~ Yours Truly

                                               P.s~~ All photos shown were taken by me.