Living is different then surviving.

9-15-90

Dear diary,
I've stayed alive for as long as I could. I can survive in the cycle of the never ending. Wake up, make breakfast, get ready, try to remain unnoticed as I walk. Get noticed, get pushed around, chased, and whatever. School, go home, make food, go to work, homework, sleep. I've been in the cycle of never ending for about 7 years now. I'm alone. Not alone being the only person, but alone as there's no one who knows me, for me. I've come to terms with this. It's no one's fault, sometimes I like to blame the kid who locks me in my locker, but it wouldn't be fair. 7 years ago today was the first time I felt real fear.
    Fear is when the world around you is spinning. Fear is your mom yelling "We're gonna crash!" Fear is the scratches of the tires against the dry tar. Fear is me when the police are called. Fear feels like your organs in your stomach drop like a bird that lost its wings. Fear is the relief when the fear is gone.
"Creak"
The flashing lights all around were blinding. I felt my breath catching up to me. A burning sensation shriveled in my eyes. I felt my throat choke up. If I tried to speak the burning would be gone because a flood of tears would put it out.
Then my life moved into slow motion. I heard faint screams and scratches. I was able to let go. One drop of water slid down my cheek. I felt the drop go through me like Orion's arrow.
"We are gonna crash!" My mom yelled in terror. Then reality hit me. As suddenly as it started it ended in a crash. My body jerked forward. I looked for my mom but she was gone.
I thought back to earlier that day. I had looked at my math test and yearned to be back there.
Then the stream of tears lost its harmony. The tears rise with the pure thought of losing me. My life was passing by in scenes of all I love and the future I'll never have.
The noises quieted. Until a man started cursing at me. The next thing I knew I was out of the car. Then that's when the police were called. One wrong move my life was close to over.
The ambulance was called, but they didn't come in time, my mom was gone.
Her funeral was the most painful thing in the world. I wanted to die. I looked like I did already, why not finish the job. I couldn't get through it. I spent most of the time curled up in the bathroom. I was so angry, like it was someone's fault my mom died. My dad acted like it was my fault. Not anger like being mad, anger with a stranger definition.
  Anger being my teeth clenching, my eyes filling with tears and the yelling around me. The world spilling out of tune. The bathroom floor, cold under my body. Black runs down my cheeks as my hands touch my face. My body begins to shake, unable to move. The black shirt I was wearing is now tainted with tears. The feeling of guilt begins to swell in my soul. A hole begins to open under me and I start to fall, fall into a hole of darkness and fear. All that is solid begins to liquidate, but still, l'm numb.
     Later that week I had, yet another stop at the hospital. This time for loss of hearing. When the doctor asked me what I was hearing the only thing I could explain was, the ocean. Then a few months passed, I went completely deaf.
     The ocean isn't something relaxing, or at least not for me. The ocean is laughter behind my knowing. The ocean is the absence of the colors you sing. The ocean is constant fear. No matter how much I cry or scream, the ocean stays splashing in my head. Some say I'm lucky, but they've never seen the ocean spilling from my eyes.
      People have asked me "what do I miss most" about being "normal". The answer is alway "love".
I miss being able to have people take me seriously, while still looking in my eyes. I miss my mom the most. I remember the day she died.
       As she's holding my hand I felt the knife go through me. Pain is her letting go, with eyes full of tears she says "I'll always be with you". Pain is the darkness of the night. Moments when you feel real pain. Are the moments you remember. My hands clutched the reality hit, like gasoline to fire, my eyes burned, as I held my breath all I felt was put out with a stream of water, but the pain I had felt only got stronger.
    Those were the worst times of my life, but the one person I could always count on was my best friend Andi. She was my life line, my light, my favorite person. I couldn't have gone on without her.
    Sincerely, Iris