My beautiful butterfly in hell

blood and sweat

dear diary,

That night replays itself over and over again like a broken record in my head. One minute we are all laughing carelessly as if we have no care in the world. Then men with masks break our door, everyone starts screaming and running for their lives but I just can't seem to move, it's like I'm frozen in that exact place.

I want to scream but no sound seems to come out of my mouth, a man grasps Alec by the neck and I can't hear what he is screaming at him since my eyes are only focused on the gun that he is holding on his head, then the gun goes on with a loud bang and the next thing I know, I'm hearing a scream and I don't know whether its mine or Alec's, he falls on his knees and there is blood everywhere. Then I ran to him and hold him in my hands as he slowly bleeds out and chokes on his blood and I can't stop crying as I look at his lifeless body, desperately hoping that this is just another nightmare, that I will wake up and everything will be fine but I don't.

Then His breath comes in ragged shallow gasps. For a minute I have hope that maybe he will live, he is strong ..he will fight and I keep whispering to him that everything will be fine, he will be fine. I press my small palms to his wounds with the aim to stop his bleeding but it doesn't. I scream and cry for help as I watch the life draining out of him. Then I know its all over when His once-bright hazel eyes look hollow then close.

Yet there I am, like a child too naive to the darkness of this world and I don't want to believe that he is gone. I scream at him like my guts are being ripped out with a blunt instrument to open those eyes, I tell him how much I love him and that he needs to open his eyes. Perhaps if I cried harder he will wake up, but it was too late. I couldn't do anything to bring him back. It was like reaching desperately for an escaped balloon; the string dangling so tantalizingly close but the wind pushes it away and it's lost forever and as I sit down there holding him tightly to myself all I can feel is myself dying along with him until all feel is vacancy left inside of me. Then it starts all over again from the beginning. Its as if I'm stuck in hell. Heck, it is hell. When I wake up I'm screaming, shaking and crying.

I want out. I want this pain to end and the only way left ....is for me to take my life. I just can't keep living anymore knowing that I will never see him smile again or see him crack stupid jokes that you can't help but laugh at, I can't keep living anymore knowing that I will never run my fingers through his midnight black hair again, knowing that there will be no one to hug me and take away all my pain. I just can't and if you were me you would do the same. I've fought my monsters long but I have had enough.

love Melina
Gwen.

After that said and written down, I felt at peace with myself. I felt calm, not sad, not despair, not miserable not destroyed, not alone and most of all not like I was being torn from limb to limb. All I felt was empty. Yes Empty, but calm and I guess it better than feeling as if there is this huge gaping hole in your heart that can never and ever heal.

Though I know it only a matter of time maybe even seconds before this calmness vanishes and the loneliness comes crawling back to me.

Right now I'm going to take my chances. If I can take this pain away... I will gladly take the opportunity, no matter how low the possibility of me succeeding might be. I want to take all this loneliness away... I want my soul to be at peace at last. I want to be free ... I yearn for freedom.

I just can't see anything getting better. They said I give it "time" and things will get better but I just can't get rid of this pain, it been getting harder every day, maybe if he was still around.... everything would be okay. I can't take it anymore, I'm falling apart and slowly I've run out of things to believe in.