focus

c h a p t e r - 1

Trigger warning for eating disorders and self harm, please, if you need help, reach out. <3

Eating disorder support: 1-800-931-2237

Self harm support: 1-800-273-8255

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*beep* *beep* *beep*

I open my eyes slowly as I hear my alarm go off. I lay there not moving, not caring that it might wake up my parents.

I finally drag myself out of bed long enough to turn the piercing noise off, and then fall back on my bed. I pull my blankets over my head as if they would protect me from the world.

But nothing will protect me, even I can't.

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"Presley!"

"Presley!!! You need to get up!" My dad says as he bangs on my door.

I stare at the door, wishing he would just go away, but he doesn't. He opens the door to see me staring at him with bleak eyes.

"Presley, get up. You need to be ready to go in 5." He says sternly, sharply turns on his heal, and leaves the room.

Get up you lazy ass. Get. Up. 

I can't. I don't want to. 

But I have to.

I pull myself out of bed once again. Shoving my phone in my backpack I head outside, waiting for my dad.

You can't even get ready on time, now he is going to feel bad that you were waiting. Idiot.

I stare out the window as still a statue as my dad drives me to school, praying that the day will be over soon. As we pull into the parking lot, I remain un-moving. Not wanting to leave the small amount of safety the car provides me. But alas, my dad glances at his watch, and I know he has to go to work. I then quickly exit the car, not wanting to be anymore of a hindrance. 

But you are, no matter how hard you try.

As I walk through the halls to class, I hear a few snickers, probably due to my appearance. But in all honesty, I don't care. I don't care anymore. I stopped caring awhile ago. Maybe I should tell them so they don't waste their time trying to taunt me. We can't have anyone spending more time near me then necessary. 

School is the same stupid thing every day. Walk to classes, sit through classes, go sit in the bathroom during lunch, walk to classes, sit through classes, walk home.

Over and over again.

I don't get how people could be excited to come to school, or to study.

Heck, I don't understand how people could be excited to get up in the morning.

When it feels like the minutes couldn't go any slower, the bell finally rings signaling lunch time. I slowly make my way to the cafeteria, following the crowd. As I stand in line my eyes scan the food offered.

275...130...450...50...

I grab what I want and quickly exit the room, retreating to the bathroom.

Curling up on the toilet seat, I start slowly un-peeling the small tangerine I am having for lunch. I stare at it in my hands.

You don't need this, this will make you ugly. You are a waste of space, and this will make you even more of one.

I take a slice and shove it down my throat. Even the small amount makes me physically ill. I force two more pieces down, and throw the rest away.

You think you don't have to pay for that? You are stupid. You are terrible. That food doesn't help you. It ruins you.

I squeeze my hands tightly shut, trying to block my thoughts out of my own head.

Even oranges ruin you. You are ruined. You are nothing but a wasteful bitch.

I know I didn't need that orange, but I ate it. And I regret it. But the voices won't leave. I can't stop them. They won't leave until I make it right.

I slowly unzip my backpack, shuffling around until I find what I need.

The cold sharpness helps silence my mind, the pain brings relief to me knowing I am in control.

I wipe my mess up and quickly leave the bathroom.

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As the school day ends and I finally get to go home, I bump into someone and end up getting pushed against the wall.

"You little bitch." Micheal says as he holds me up to the lockers.

I sigh, I really don't have the energy for this. 

"You. Need. To. Get. The. Heck. Out. Of. My. Way."

I nod, I used to try to defend myself, but now, I just accept it. Because it is true, I need to stay out his way. No one likes people bumping into them. It is my fault. He is fine.

Before he can let go of me someone walks up to us.

"Are you sure you aren't the little bitch?"

I stare at the girl, hoping she makes eye contact with me. Finally she does and I start shaking my head.

I'm not worth your time. Don't you know? I am the bitch. I am not. Worth. Your. Time.

Micheal scoffs. "Alexa, don't you know? I'm not. I am the king of this place." He continues to talk to Alexa, but I can't help but get hung up on the part where he literally called himself a king. 

Who are you to judge what he calls himself? You shouldn't be rude. You are so rude. Have consideration.

As Alexa distracts Micheal, his grip loosens on me and I get myself free. Keeping my head down, I walk quickly to the exit, praying that the girl doesn't come after me. 

"Hey!! Wait!"

Just as I am leaving the building I hear her voice. Slowly turning around I ask, "What?"

Alexa runs up to me: "I just wanted to say hi! Do you want to hang out?"

I roll my eyes, glancing outside. "No offense, but we just met, and I have things to do..." I say and start slowly backing up.

Her face saddens and then she quickly perks back up. "Thats ok! We can hang out some other time!"

I nod to appease her, and then leave the building. Once I get off the school property I can finally relax a little. No more people to judge me except the people driving by.

You made her disappointed. What would an afternoon be to you? You could have done something with her. You are so selfish. Why didn't you think about what she wanted?

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My house finally comes into view, and I trudge up the steps and let myself in. No one is home yet, parents are at work, and my sister hasn't been home for months because of college.

I drop my bag on the floor and curl up on my bed. 

I will lay there until my parents get home, and then they will make and serve dinner. I won't eat it, I will say I ate a large lunch at school, and had a snack when I got back. I will then go back to my room, and lay there, praying that insomnia doesn't want to be my friend tonight.

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I love you all so much! 

-Dakota