Bang Plan

XII

Time moves differently in Cambridge. I always notice when I leave and go back. Maybe it's because I'm hit with the home-versus-school divide and the country-versus-city divide at the same time. It's a culture shock, really. As I drive away from my family  and into civilization, I think I'm more aware than usual that my time in that house is limited. I turned twenty-one at the very beginning of September. I didn't realize that the ability to buy alcohol is really a trade-off. I'm in the process of trading off childhood for adulthood, and I didn't realize until it was already happening. In about a year and a half, I'm going to have to graduate from college. It feels like I just got there. I'm going to have to move out of both the house and my dorm. And, as cold as my family is, I'm not sure I know who I'll be once I'm outside of their orbit. I'm not sure who I'll be outside of Dirksland, either. I'm terrified.

And even closer in the future, I have to make it through this week. Week four, if we're speaking in terms of the plan, looms before me. I don't know what it will be like, to grieve at school. I guess I'll smile during the day, and cry at night. It's pitiful, but I have to let it out somehow. I miss my Grandmother, and nothing can change that. I tell myself to hold on to the anticipation of the party I'm hosting this weekend, and I use the rest of the lonely drive back to campus to mentally plan every last detail. My wad of babysitting and viola-teaching money that I've collected over the summers will fund a full bar's worth of alcohol. Vodka, tequila, rum, gin, whiskey. Also mixers, Spiked Seltzers, and Beer. Maybe I'll have them all send me five bucks, but I don't want to seem poor. Then, of course, I'll need to get snacks. And cleaning supplies to cover my trail. I assume people will crash on couches and things, so fabric cleaner is a must, too. And I must decorate! I'll consult with Sandy at some point in order to pick a theme. One that people can dress for with last-minute notice. It'll be a grand time, and nobody will leave unhappy on my watch.

Shortly after I arrive at the vacant Sardine Can, I grab my viola and head down the block to the music building. I sneak down the hall to the practice rooms, deliberately avoiding any and all human contact. It's Monday, and I skipped class earlier. I don't want to dive into a discussion on loss with my professors, not right now. Tears cloud my vision a few times as I practice, but I blink them away. My Grandmother wouldn't have me quitting and losing skill for any reason. I go for as long as I can bear, until the thick callouses on my fingertips feel raw. And then I head back to Dirk and lie on my bed. Sandy breezes in and gives me a quick, solemn hug, though she informs me that she's only in for a moment. It's hard to wallow with someone when you're incandescent with your own joy. She's going to "study" with Archie at his place since Mike's still away, she says. She tells me about how he's really buckling down for the November LSAT, probably trying to distract me from my grief. I give her a weak smile, to show my support, but I'm not in the best mood.

I eventually peel myself out of bed for dinner in the Dirks dining hall. I coordinate with Nina, Louisa, and Harriet so I won't be alone with my thoughts. We all pile in closely at a table. Once they comfort me and offer their condolences, they want to know everything about Sandy and Archie's kiss, so we all pile in closely at a table. I launch into Mother Goose story hour. Very quietly, so as not to be overheard. I give them the salacious details, minus the whole plan thing. I highlight how good it felt to prove Mike wrong about Sandy without even having to speak a word.

"You know, Mike's kind of cute," Louisa says, smirking.

"You know, I do know," Harriet laughs.

"You think he's cute, Harriet?" I gasp. Harriet is incredibly beautiful and incredibly picky. She did high-fashion runway shows for her gap year when she wasn't saving Argentinian orphans. And then she quit modeling to study International Relations and date nobody at this school. The Ridge tried to punch her, but she refused. She's extremely out of Mike's league.