Buried in the past

Thursday-Saturday-Monday

THURSDAY

 After lavage, infusion and more nonsenses I woke up in horrible short-sleeved hospital gown. Knowing that someone had to take clothes off  me I froze out of paranoia in same time feeling a shame, panic and wishing to die at that exact moment. How after this shock to put myself together and get out of this situation as easy as possible?! It would be better if they left me to die, why the freaken hell I wrote that nonsense on musical class?! Dammit, dammit, DAMN IT!

 I lift a blanket up to my head in order to hide my body as much as possible. I wish I had one sedative right now... or two... or five, for any case. Nurse comes and asks me how I feel. Me (nervous): "Who changed my clothes?" Nurse: "You almost died and you are asking about something that's not important right now." Me (even more nervous): "It's really important to me, I have a gymnophobia. That thought freaks me out so much that even death seems better, I'm creeped out to only think about it..." Nurse: "There was one older nurse yesterday, she did it. Not a male, if that's what scares you. Better?" Me: "Well, not so much, but better anything than nothing. Can I get my clothes back, please? I'm freezing, this is with short sleeves and I wear at least two layers of long sleeves even at summer." Nurse: "Because of hidding the scars? We had already seen your arms, we had seen scars on them. Wait for doctor, he will tell what we'll do next, I am here to see how are you." Me: "I am fine, it's just too cold in here." Nurse: "Is this room colder than forest in the middle of February?" Me: "It is to me. Can I get some sedative?" Nurse: "Yesterday is from your system taken amount equal to sixty pills, plus half liter of alcohol, and now you want us to give you the same thing that brought you here? That would be bad idea now."
Doctor (entering): "How is the patient?" Nurse: "She says she's cold, panics because she's changed into hospital gown and asks for sedatives." Doctor (to me): "Weren't there too much of sedatives yesterday? Should we bring one more blanket?" Me: "Can I get back my jacket or trackshirt or anything, maybe all I wore yesterday? I feel terible in this, I can't calm down if I don't wear my clothes." Doctor: "You'll get bottom parts of your clothes, upper parts not yet because of infusion." Me: "Then take it off, nothing is wrong with me." Doctor: "You tried to kill yourself, how can you say nothing is wrong with you?" Me: "I didn't try to kill myself, I just overdosed. Let's say... that I used pills and alcohol for a while to create certain sensations, I kinda got addicted to that. You get what I mean?" Doctor: "I would probably believe it if it's not two boxes we are talking about, no one takes two boxes as a drug." Me: "Yes, but my body is used to dose of 30... On Tuesday I had smaller dose, I got worried as there was no reaction, that's why I did this experiment with much higher dose. I see now that this was too much, I will never again take so high dose. It would be such a bummer if I took some more, it would kill me for sure." Doctor: "What about going to forest and having a disturbing conversation with your form teacher, ha? How about scars? How did they get there?" Me (trying to put myself together): ,,Oh, I have planned to go to the forest- see, I can't create any artwork for a long time and forest seems really inspirational. As dramatic events inspire the best I wanted to take these pills in the forest, to feel like I will die so I can get inspired for the new work, but situation got out of control. Didn't want to do that process at home, my parents would freak out- I was supposed to sleep hour or two, wake up and return home. Okay, I see I overcounted and now you think that I am stupid girl, the most stupid girl you have ever seen, right?" Doctor: "Is art worth losing your head for it?!" Me (laugh): ,,Art is passion and passion doesn't think about consenquences. Anyhow, whole this event inspired me and I can't wait to write some work. Nothing can be written with so much drama than writting from personal experience. Have you ever written some artwork?" Doctorv(confused): "Well... only if we count works for college. I don't know how much is that related to art. (putting himself together) I still didn't get the answer about the scars." Me: "They say that people who do that are cool! (LIE- I would never ever agree with that and claim the opposite thing, it's terrible thing and this sentence was said to get out from that situation easier, but my heart is breaking even from having to say it out loud)" Doctor: "That's not cool, that's very dangerous thing! I see you have some deeper scars as well, you can hurt your vein or something even worse!" Me (acting): "Oh... that wasn't on my mind... I will try to reduce it, I wouldn't like to end up here close to death. (of course, I would like more to end up dead. Logical.)" Doctor: "I'll come later to prescript you a therapy, I wouldn't want to keep you here too long for no reason but you still have reasons to go to psychiatrist appointment every week." Me (fake smile): "Of course, that works better for me so I won't skip lessons, I am a good student and I wouldn't like to miss something. One more thing- please don't let anyone in until you don't get this infusion out, I don't like that anyone see me in such open clothes." Doctor: "Allright, sure, but I'll let them know that you woke up." I nodded and turned to the side.