Starry Skies

Family Get Together

Mom decided in my last week of life, that she'd have a family get together; a big one, too. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, from both sides of the family, cousins who I hadn't seen or talked to in a year or two, everyone. 

Needless to say, the backyard and bottom floor of the house were two places, and they were both pretty crazy. Relatives were talking everywhere, mingling, drinking, getting wasted out by the firepit. I kept close to Anwen, only talking when spoken to, leaned partially against her, but otherwise against the wall.

"Charleigh! Dear, it's lovely to see you!" There's Grandma, wearing all black, as though shes attending my funeral. It doesn't feel like a funeral, but at the same time, it sort of does.

Okay, I lied, it doesn't feel like a funeral, but, well, it just-it just feels like its the end. The end of everything.

I know it is that, it is the end of everything, but I don't want it to be. I suddenly want to march into Andersons office, ask when we can start treatments. 

I don't want to die anymore, but I know I have to. Its human nature. As they say, at the end of the day, we live just to die anyways, so why put a stop to it now? Why would I try to get better, knowing that the attempt would fail in the end, and I'd die in agony? Why the sudden urge to live?

Is it because beforehand, there wasn't much to live for? I didn't have a girlfriend, a decent home, or a future that wasn't dead end, small town lifer life? Did I only want to live because I had a strong relationship, good connection with my parents, and a sliver of a chance at ending up somewhere? Was I only then seeing the positives?

Why did it take me so long to see them? Why couldn't I have realized it before September, kept going with the treatments, not ended up where I did; tired, achy, breathless. Why couldn't I have done it differently?

Grandma pulled me into a hug, and I hugged her back tightly, forcing a smile onto my face as we pulled away and I adjusted the dark green Adidas hoodie that I'd stolen from Anwen, pulling the hood over my head as I leaned back into her.

"How're you holding up?" Talking, that was something I didn't do very much at that point. Throat hurt most of the time, and I would need to take awkward breaths in between sentences. I looked to Anwen, who kissed my forehead, grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and put on a fake, confident smile.

"She's doing fine," I wasn't. I was terrible. "Thank you for your concern!" Anwens tone is condescending, clearly sending the hint of "go away, please and thanks!" and dammit, I loved her for it.

I kissed her cheek and let my head fall into the space between her neck and shoulder. "I love you," I mumbled as Grandma walked away. "I love you so much." Anwen chuckles, and I can feel as it vibrates through her entire body. 

"Lets go find your mom, eh? I think shes with your brother in the living room," we were in the spacious kitchen. I liked it in there; there weren't as many people as there was outside or in the living room, but I really wanted to see Peter again. "Last I heard, they were chatting up a storm!" I let her pull me through the kitchen, down the hall to the living room, sitting on the couch beside Mom, with Anwen on my left. 

Peters wheelchair is put in front of her, and they're talking about how thrilled her and Dad are to have him back. It takes him a second to notice Anwen and I, but when he does, a big smile comes to his face.

"Anwen! Charleigh!" he shouts. I laugh, and I see Anwen smile, big and bright, in his direction. 

Hes not wearing a tuxedo, thankfully. Grandma and Grandpa have dressed him in something that looks like something I'd wear. Old black sweatpants, a dark blue flannel, and a black tank top underneath it. 

"Hey, bud!" I greet, not needing to force the smile that comes. "I've missed you!" Anwen squeezes my hand, tells me that she's gonna go get us iced tea, and I lean my head against Moms shoulder.

"I've missed you too! A lot!" Mom grabs my left hand, and gives it a reassuring squeeze. "We were just talking about you, weren't we, Bud?" she asks, he nods.

"We were!" He says. Let me remind you, he stutters, and talks slowly. "All about how cool it is that you threw this party!" I glanced at Mom, and she shrugged.

"Thanks, Bud!" A second later, Anwen appears, two iced tea cans in hers hands, and a diet coke for Mom. I hold the iced tea, but don't bother to take a sip of it as Anwens arm finds its way around my shoulder. 

"You okay, Charleigh?" Peter asks. I nod within seconds. I didn't feel okay; not an ounce of it, but he didn't need to know that. I didn't need him knowing that I felt like complete and utter shit.

"You know what, its a clear sky outside, not too cold, and you look like you could use some fresh air!" I looked to Anwen, nodded, and got up, leaving my unopened ice tea on the couch. 

I stood awkwardly, and so did Mom. I gave Peter a tight hug, not knowing it'd be the last I gave him, and kissed the top of his head, mumbling a chorus of 'I love you's before turning to Mom.

She opened her arms, and I practically fell into them, my arms wrapping around her torso as hers wrapped around my neck, holding me tightly to her as tears flooded my tear ducts. They didn't spill out from my eyes, thankfully.

I hugged her so tight I was sure she couldn't breathe, mumbling a chorus of 'I love you's in her direction, too. It felt like the official goodbye, and as much as I didn't want it to happen, I knew it had to.

When she pulls away, she holds me arms length away from her, hands tightly gripping my shoulders. "I love you, Kiddo. I love you so much," I returned the words to her, and took Anwens hand, letting her lead me through the living room, down the hall and to the door from the kitchen that'd take us to the backyard.

My end was on its way; I just knew it, and while I didn't want it to happen, I knew it had to