Paralyzed | Malec

Chapter 33

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It has been a few hours since we came back from the mission. I had a shower and spoke with some Shadowhunters that I didn't even knew because they were giving their condolences. I didn't wanted to hear them. They didn't even knew her like I did or my fathers.

I was too numb to feel anything. I knew that both my fathers were worried about me. Worried that I would lash out or worst maybe even do something stupid that would endanger a lot of people.

In all honesty, I had no idea what to do. As soon as I was a part of this new world, my first aim was to find my mother and now that I did... I didn't knew what to do. I didn't knew what to do from here and where I should go. It was all unsure...

I lost my mother. Someone that was there for me always. I don't think anyone truly understands the bond between me and my mother. It was something different. Different from out children with their mother. I felt like she was my best friend too and a sister. I could always tell her everything.

How I felt... What I always did. She would give me two type of advises. One from a mother and one from a friend. She made choose which one I did and live with the consequences. Only so I could learn from it and become stronger and more independent but the night when she send me to my father. She didn't give me choice at all.

She was not only acting like a mother but as a friend. She did everything to keep me safe and hidden but somehow we were found and when I was gone, I cannot even imagine what she went through. I feel like it was my fault. My fault that she was killed because if it wasn't for me, she would have been alive by now. This would have never happened.

"Ella?" I heard Alexis ask which made me jump out of my thoughts. Her voice was a bit muffled but I guess it was because I was too deep into my thoughts. I looked at her and I could see in her eyes was the worries.

"Hmm?" I mumbled softly as I looked at her. We were in Alec's office. He didn't wanted us to leave from here until he came back. He was scared that the clave might be appearing anytime soon and he didn't wanted them to speak to us.

"Are you okay?" Alexis asked and I could see it on her face that she regretted asking me the question as soon as she spoke out her words. I just looked at her without any emotion.

"I don't feel anything." I said and I meant it. The feeling I had when I saw my mother dying in front of me was indescribable. It was so much at once that I felt like I was going to be consumed by it.

I guess it hurt me that much that I was incapable of feeling pain. For now...

I could see Alexis looking worried at me. Samuel was standing behind her with the same expression on his face. I heard him sigh. None of them knew what to say to make me feel better but somehow I felt like they were reliving a same nightmare. The nightmare of when they lost Erica.

Chris went through something similar as me and I feel like even then, they never knew how to react to it. How do you even react to i? Saying sorry even knowing that it wouldn't make the person feel better? It didn't make sense... None of it did...

"Just give her space." I heard Chris say and Alexis looked at her cousin. I could see that she was angry because she didn't agree with it. Chris stood now next to me, looking at me.

"Just give her some space for now. Let her take it in." Chris said and I sighed. I shook my head and I stood up.

"It's fine. I am fine." I said and I could see Charlotte looking at me as if she just has seen a greater demon dancing together with Lucifer.

I wiggled my shoulders and looked at all of them. I felt like my body needed losing up. Something... I just needed to do something so I wouldn't be thinking about all of this. About my mother... About her death.

"Ella-" "I said that I am fine." I said angrily to Samuel when I cut him off from saying something. The anger in my voice startled everyone. Samuel was startled and taken back by it. He nodded and closed his mouth.

I heard the door opening and I saw my fathers walking in. Alec looked at me in my eyes and I could see the worry in his eyes. My father looked like he had seen a ghost. He had it horrible just like me.

"The clave is gone but they are going to need your guys statements." Alec said as he looked at all of us. All of us quietly nodded our heads as we looked at him.

"What do we do about Lucifer?" I asked out of the sudden. I wanted to know. I didn't want my mother's killer to walk around free. He had to be stopped.

"The clave took it from here, Ella. We have to wait for orders." Alec said and I scoffed.

"Orders? Really? He is the reason why my mother is dead. I need him to feel that pain too." I said and not could I just hear the vengeance in my voice but I could also feel it.

"Ella." I heard my father say. He came closer to me and held my hand as he looked at me with pain in his eyes. It was as if the happiness were sucked out of his eyes. The same sparkling in his eyes were totally gone.

"I promise you. He won't get away from it but what Alec is saying is right. We don't know how to handle the situation yet nor to what we are up against. We need to wait for orders." He said as he looked into my eyes.

"For everyone's safety... I don't want to lose you or anyone else..." He said softly and it felt as if he was begging me to back down from whatever I wanted to do. I could see the desperate in his eyes. I nodded my head.

"Okay." I said softly and my father gave me a weak smile...