(( Suicide tw. A note to have that this was written before I made a v big change so I tried to correct some parts but it didn't work v well, overall I could've wrote this a lot better and I sort of hate it now— I might revisit the concept some time, just take this as loosely canon in some areas?????????? idk I really fucking hate it tbh.
"Man the rain came down that day
And it drained my soul away
And I wondered why I even
Bothered to try?"
...creak creak creak...
They crept up the dimly lit staircase, nearly tripping on the uneven steps as they fumbled with the sleeves of their blouse while they tried not to make a sound. Their heart raced as they nearly collapsed halfway up the stairs. Eventually, they reached the door and took a few, ragged, deep breaths inward as he shakily took the door handle, almost melting into the floor as he felt a sharp pain shooting through his chest again.
And then, Hunter reluctantly opened the bedroom door, his hands still shaking violently as he tried to convince himself it wasn't what he thought it was. She was having a nap Hunter, That's why she was so quiet, right?
The first time Hunter killed someone was swift.
The first time Hunter killed someone the blood wouldn't ever wash off no matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard he sobbed and wished he was never born, No matter how many times he tried to let it all be over.
clink clink clink
The orange bottle rolled from the oak bedside table towards the carpet floor.
Rolling past the cracked framed picture of the three Beaumont family members all posed for a family picture. Rolling past a few cups of water that were near gulped down a few hours prior.
A few pills rattled inside the bottle as the child in the doorway watched with wide eyes. His hand shaking as he sucked back a breath and watched.
Watched the cold, lifeless woman who was strung across the bed with intent eyes. As if she was going to move at any moment.
But she wasn't, was she? Never again. Mom won't sit down at the kitchen table and sob over losing something... She won't ignore you and pretend you aren't there while you try to talk to her.
She won't ever beg you to buy pills from there ever again.
And it's all your fault.
He extended a shaky, frail hand out in front of him, almost like he was trying to catch her before quickly recoiling back and hugging himself as he struggled to form the words he desperately wanted to say. Hunter felt his legs nearly give way as his stomach churned; He would've thrown up, maybe cried after bottling it all up for so long, but he sucked it all back in as he tried to find a plausible explanation for the scene in front of him. The world around him grew far and distant, out of reach entirely.
This isn't real, This isn't real, It can't be.
Mom will wake up, She woke up last time, She always wakes up, She just is asleep,
Mom has a chance to love you, Dad was wrong.
Maybe she is worth something, but Dad was always right. Why couldn't you just be SMARTER?
Why can't you DECIDE?
This can't be your fault, why did you let her have the pills? Maybe you should've just hurried up making the dinner as a man should. Hunter's chest tightened up as he tugged at his white shirt collar, freshly ironed for mass— Maybe she's asleep, Sure they're...Sleeping pills, They'll clearly do just that, It wouldn't be called that if that wasn't the..purpose...Give her a bit, maybe she'll come back up and you can get back to trying to make dinner.
Sure maybe they said you shouldn't hand her any, Maybe it was a fluke, but it isn't like she's dead right? It isn't your fault, right? She'll wake up...She— She has—
What did you do?
Hunter crept over towards the bed, moving the pale coloured floral quilt, which was stiff and locked in a place away from his Mother's arm. Staring down at how cold and pale it seemed...How dead it looked, the purple and blue veins sticking out almost as if it was a still from a painting that was hung up on the house's walls. The same ones Dad bought when he had no idea what to buy, The same ones that had tears torn down the canvas from every time Dad and Mom used to argue.
"...Mom?" He shook her gently, His words trapped in his throat, chained, as he tried to wake her up.
Her unkempt, messy brown hair trapped over her face as her sunken in heavy eyes which seemed to be surrounded by a dull purple, remained tightly shut. Her face illuminated by the dull grey light from outside. coming through the gap in the thick, dark blue curtains. He was almost used to seeing it covered in bruising and bandages, so this was new...Mom never looked so..calm...
Hunter shuddered as he heard the pitter-patter from the rain outside hit the windows as he stared defeated at his Mother, Almost numb...Almost.
Maybe she was at peace now. At least that would've soothed Hunter's thoughts if it wasn't for all the reasons on how he thought he could've prevented this.
You killed someone, You killed someone. You killed your own mother.
And Hunter broke.
"Oh gOD—plEASE, jUsT wAKE—"
This is your fault. It's your fucking fault, You're a fucking disgrace Hunter, You're a fucking disgrace. You shouldn't have been FUCKING born.
His mouth trembled as he shook her arm again; more dangerously violently than the previous attempts as he tried to wake her up desperately, almost like a child trying to get his parents to listen. His heart raced dangerously as his breaths grew shakier and more uneven with every attempt he made.
"Mom, plEaSE WAKE UP— fOr fUCKS sAKE—"
Hunter's voice cracked as he tried to hold back the tears from streaming down like a river in a storm, flooding around him. He put his hands in his hair and tugged at it, Messing up how clean and proper it was beforehand, mumbling erratically as he tried to fight back the tears.
Man up Hunter, She wasn't even human to you. Dad wouldn't have cared.
But you aren't Dad.
He blinked and stared blankly at his Mother's lifeless body, looking to the ground and staring straight at the near-empty sickly bright orange pill bottle which made his eyes burn at the sight, struggling to stay numb to all of this. It was like candy, the things he would've had back when he was younger and popped in his mouth, pretending they were fancier than they actually were while chewing them down.
He couldn't help but think as he resisted the urge to down the last tablet, no matter if it would've been completely useless, It should've been him instead, he was worse, he was a nobody.
And the ol' church bells from down the street rang through, echoing through his head and causing him to flinch and look back at the hallway, Sunday mass like usual.
The same mass he sat in the same row and tried to be as perfect he could be. the same pew he prayed at so he would feel normal, the same one where every time he went to pray on his knees, desperately, he was nearly brought to tears from remembering the words Dad always echoed to him every time he thought he could be confident.
Every time he thought he loved someone.
Every time he disagreed with what he did.
But he can't argue now, She's gone, gone because of you, why were you such a bother?
The first time Hunter killed someone it was because he was a disgrace. Because he was unloveable
Hunter killed someone because he was nothing, he was a nobody.
But he didn't really kill someone at all.
