Heart of a Stark (AvengersXreader)

16. Checking In

He had made it through the week but just barely. Each day was longer than the one previous, drawing out his time having to relive the worst parts of his life. He would leave every session feeling raw and a little empty. The tradeoff was a lightening of the fog that clouded his mind for so long. He was beginning to be able to place events on a timeline that made sense to him.

Today they would attempt to remove the very last of them. It was a light at the end of a tunnel that he was dreading reaching. He had noticed a trend over the days that, if held, would make today the worst yet.

It was abnormally quiet when he entered the lab. YN and Shuri were devoid of their usual banter as they had him lay down on the table. Either he was projecting or they were just as nervous as he was. He couldn't bring himself to look at YN as she took her spot to his right. He knew she could see them too. He knew that it scared her, that he scared her, and yet every time she looked at him her eyes were warm and kind. 

The flashes were short and infrequent, but every last one of them was filled with the sound of him screaming in agony. YN fought to keep her concentration, blinking furiously to keep the tears at bay, but the scream as the saw was pressed to his mangled arm, was too much. With a loud sob, the laser stopped. Shuri was wrong, there would be pain in her lab, she thought to herself as she gazed down at the man gasping for breath in front of her.

"Are you able to continue?" Shuri asked as YN watched the tears chase each other down the side of his face.

"Don't have much choice in the matter, do I?" She shrugged.

Shuri gave her a sympathetic smile. Leaving the trigger partially intact left it unstable and they had no way of knowing what it would be capable of doing then. It wasn't a risk either of them was willing to make.

The closer they got to the end the harder it was to separate. She watched so many people die before her eyes that when the screaming stopped she thought at first she'd gone deaf. Then she saw him. He looked so different. She was used to seeing him beaten and bloody but he was so much smaller, frail even. She may have not been able to recognize him if it weren't for the all too familiar moral determination dancing in his eyes as he wiped the dirt from his oversized jacket. This was Steve as only Bucky remembered him but he was so clearly in front of her she swore if she reached out a hand she'd be able to touch him. Whatever had happened here, in this old-time alley was the beginning of his terror and guilt. This brainwave, this memory, was what had facilitated the chain reaction that was needed for them to take over the rest of his mind. 

Just as quick as he appeared, Steve was ripped away, bringing her violently back onto the room. The connection broken, The last of the trigger words gone from his mind. As everything stopped Shuri looked at YN who was wiping furiously at her eyes before turning to Bucky.

"That's it, Sargent Barnes," Shuri announced smirking as he rolled his eyes at the name, "You're mind belongs to you and you alone once more."

He looked relieved, elated and just a touch bewildered as if he hadn't dared believe it was possible as he sat up and thanked her. YN tried for a warm smile but could feel it faltering. She needed to get out of this room. Hell, she'd crawl out of her own skin if she could. The week had been a long, hard one but instead of being excited for Bucky or proud of Shuri and herself, she felt a little hollow.

She didn't notice the curious looks she garnered as she quickly excused herself from the lab and wandered the halls of the palace. She didn't have a specific destination in mind, she just knew she needed to continue to put distance between herself and what just happened. That was why when she found herself in one of the grandest wine cellars that were probably ever to exist she chalked it up of divine intervention. She probably shouldn't be here she knew, but it was secluded and quiet and smelled of old wood.

"You know what they say about curiosity and the cat, don't you?" T'Challa's voice had her heart trying to break through her ribcage. She didn't realize he was back home in Wakanda. The last she heard he was off on some goodwill mission with the UN.

"You'd know a thing or two about that I suppose," she tried for some snark but it sounded flat, even to her own ears.

T'Challa really looked at her then, her eyes red and puffy, devoid of their usual sparkle. Her hands slightly shaking as she rang them together.

"What's wrong?" He asked, frowning as she shook her head.

"It's been a long week," she explained after a moment, "I just need to unwind a bit."

T'Challa regarded her for a moment, trying to decide if it was just stress or if she was on the verge of a mental breakdown, before letting his lips turn up in a smile.

"Ahh, well, you are in luck" he took a step forward, holding out an arm to guide her through the maze of bottles, "here in Wakanda, we have a large selection of spirits not yet available to the rest of the world. Each distilled with a different purpose. My personal favorite is this one."

He plucked a bright purple bottle from a shelf and handed it to her.

"Made to calm both body and mind. Intended for relaxation and clarity."

She didn't know if she needed her mind to be any more clear. The images from this past week seemed all too clear.

"Do you have anything to numb it?" She asked aloud, regretting it when he pursed his lips.

"Yes," he answered slowly "but I don't think that is wise at this time."

She looked at him confused. How could he possibly know what it is she needed?

"If we run from our demons we give them power, room to grow." He explained as he turned, guiding them back out of the cellar, "When we stop running and see them for what they really are, we allow ourselves to heal."

☆☆☆☆☆

Only a third of the way through the bottle and she was already making the dumbest mistake she could think of.

"Hey Friday," she whispered as she located her failsafe on the AI.

"This is highly unprofessional"

The Irish lilt had YN grinning ear to ear, "What? You've turned all proper for Tony?"

"No," the AI sighed, "but it doesn't make me any less right."

"I know, I know," YN relented, flipping onto her back, "I just need to know he's ok."

The AI was quiet for so long YN started dosing off.

"He's engaged to Pepper," Friday informed her, waking up every fiber in her body.

"About damn time," YN cheered just a touch too loud then laughing into her palm in an attempt to quiet herself down. 

"I'm reading an awfully high blood alcohol level, boss," Friday sounded concerned.

YN groaned, "No probing back, and I'm not your boss anymore."

There was another long pause as YN tried to figure out just what else she had wanted to ask. The fuzziness in her brain only brought forth images of Tony that had tears springing to her eyes. 

"He misses you," Friday stated quietly.

YN looked down at her wrist, running a finger over the featherlight scars that remained there. She didn't think Friday could lie but she was having a hard time believing her.

"I miss him too," she admitted, "Just watch his back for me, ok?"

"Of course, boss," the cheeky AI answered before disconnecting.

Taking a swig from the bottle, she heard a tentative knock at the door. Curious, she put the bottle down and crossed the floor on wobbly feet.

☆☆☆☆☆

Bucky was exhausted but there was no way he could forcefully will himself to sleep. Removing the trigger words had unlocked memories lost to him for centuries. Memories that, before this week, he only had snippets of. Some of them happy, like those of his family and Steve. Some not so much, like his time with the howling commandos on the battlefield. Either way, he was grateful to have them back and intended to replay them all until he truly felt like himself again, whatever that meant now.

He was lost in these memories when the frantic pounding started at his door causing his hair on his arms to stand on end. He rushed to the door, throwing it open, surprised to find the princess on the other side.

"I'm worried about YN," she stated, walking into his room without invitation.

He had been worried too, before the memories came flooding back, distracting him. Now that she mentioned it he could see the haunted look in her eyes when he had opened his own. The way her smile had faltered when she looked at him. The way she ran from the lab like something was chasing her.

"You should go check on her. She stole a bottle of our strongest spirit from the cellars."

"Stole?" He asked. He may not have known her very well but she didn't seem the type to steal from her hosts. Especially not ones who offered anything she could have wanted.

"Or my brother gave it to her," she waved him off, "Either way, you should still go check on her."

"I'm sure I am the last person she wants to see right now," he answered, feeling his guilt creeping in in him again.

Shuri rolled her eyes so far back in her head he was worried they may disappear forever.

"Have you been paying attention at all, Bucky?" The use of his name instead of rank caught his attention as she had hoped but the slightly haunted look in his eyes had her rethinking her words.

"That woman has been pushing herself past her limits every day for you. If she believed you to be anything less than a good man I doubt she would put so much effort into helping you. Don't you think you owe it to her to make sure she is ok?"