emotions, but make it artsy

#1

T/W: low self-esteem, dissasociation, abuse

blame me

you see, i have a low self esteem. this means that whenever a boy says he likes me, i fall head over heels for him. i have convinced myself that i am too fat. too ugly. too tall. too loud and annoying, for any boy to ever like me again. so, no matter who the boy is, i force myself to like him back. because who knows! what if i never get the chance to be in a relationship again! what if i deny this boy, and end up alone. forever?

i get the nice guys, too. this makes me feel even worse. it feels like 9 guys out of 10 want to give me the world and more, and i try. i promise, i really do. i try my hardest to appreciate the things that these wonderful boys are trying to give me. but i can't. truthfully, i would rather date an asshole. when they leave me, which they all inevitably do, they wont be the ones in pain. i will be. at this point, that's exactly what i deserve. to hurt. have my heart shattered in to a million pieces. because that's what i do to these wonderful boys. i lead them on, telling them that i care for them, when really i feel absolutely nothing for them at all.

and sure, we can blame mental illness. i dissociate on a regular basis, i feel nothing (in general) six days out of the week. so maybe that's got something to do with me being a total fucking asshole. i guess i'm just not the kind of person to blame my actions on the way my brain functions. i truly am, in every form, an ass.

i take nice guys, and break them. i don't mean to, i swear. you don't think i'd give anything in the world to be madly in love with just one of the guys i have gotten the privilege to briefly date? i would do anything to be able to feel for them the way they all felt for me. but i break everything good. at this point you could call it a talent of mine. "how long until she fucks this one up?" they place bets, i'm sure of it. two weeks, a month, six! how long can she fake it until she goes crazy. until she's crying every. night. trying to figure out what's wrong with her, why she can't love wonderful guys. why she lays next to, kisses, flirts with boys who are willing to drop everything at any point to make her happy, yet she feels nothing. not even the littlest fucking butterfly. where the fuck are the butterflies??????

why can't i feel the butterflies.

i'd give anything to feel butterflies for the nice guys.

but i don't. i never have. and sure, maybe you could blame it on my childhood. abuse does that to a kid. ya know, fucks 'em up for life. i never got positive attention from karen, my biological mother, and it's possible that that is the reason i prefer negative attention from guys. comments like 'you're beautiful', 'you're good for me', or 'you're the best thing that's ever happened to me' stress me out. i rarely heard those as a child. so maybe there's a connection, but i'm really not the kind of person to blame my actions on my past trama.

i can't.

blaming my actions on my past doesn't seem fair to those boys. they deserve to know that i am simply a piece of shit, not some poor broken girl who can't handle her own emotions.

they deserve to blame me for what i've done.

i deserve the blame.