The Fragility of Fate ✔️

14 | Soliloquy

Miesha

I spent the afternoon outside on the balcony with Adrienne, watching the ribbons of lilac and sunburned orange weaving through the clouds as dusk approached. I was doing my best to avoid Gabriel, and my mind was heavy with exhaustion. 

"I can stay here with you as well, if it makes you feel more comfortable Miesha." 

Ignoring her question, albeit unintentionally, I couldn't help but voice some of my own, "That dream.... I had a dream and he was in it... I thought it was all in my head?" 

"No, it was real Miesha. You weren't responding to any medical treatment. I guided Gabriel through the old practice of Dream Walking while you were recovering from your injuries.... it was the only way he could make contact with you and bring you back." 

"And you really think in doing so, he made the right decision?" 

"I'm serious- look... at... me. I'm disfigured.... I can't protect my pack... I can't protect myself... I can't do this..." gesturing my arms in circles in front of me, trying to provide an accurate representation of how I feel in this moment. 

"You may feel bitter for it Miesha... I know it's forced you to confront some truths that are difficult to hear, but you cannot fault a person for doing everything within their control to save their loved one." 

I was bitter. 

Purposely accentuating each word, I slowly hiss out, "I've seen what love looks like... I don't want to see it again. Ever." 

It strains my eyes to maintain my focus on the sun, but I can't bring myself to look away. I feel an enormous wave of guilt at saying something that would hurt Gabriel, yet simultaneously resent that I feel forced to have those feelings in the first place... 

The weight of my guilt makes it difficult to swallow, but I am too full of pride to admit it. Instead, I let a silent tear roll off my cheek as I pretend that nothing is wrong. 

I sigh. "I just want my life back the way it was before all of this happened Adrienne. My family, my pack, my life." 

As we watched nature prepare to cast her blanket over us for the night, a tide of apprehension and fear ebbed and flowed through me, questions swirling in my mind as I form the realization that everything I have known, has become undone. 

Adrienne's gentle whisper breaks my thoughts, "Come. Let's eat."  

Hoisting myself upright, I make my way back inside, seeing Gabriel and Neve preparing an early meal for the four of us. I watch them. Despite his height and frame, he is not imposing in his interactions with her. Nor is she afraid of him. In fact, they act like siblings, joking around playfully as they finish their preparations. 

Stopping at the entry way all I can muster as I look at the floor is, "I'm sorry for breaking your vase". 

I can smell his sadness seep from every pore. "Miesha... please eat." The clatter of his fork against the plate ringing in my ears. 

I can't bear to look at him. I refuse to let him in. I won't be hurt again.  

I offer a small smile, but politely decline, refusing to look beyond the stubble on his tired face and make eye contact with him. Instead I walk up into the temporary enclave that offers me a small sanctuary from the world. 

I can tell it's not his will to subjugate my nature. My wild. My wolf perks at the thought, not used to the kindness. 

He watches me leave, not muttering a word, but I feel no hostility from him. Just his patience, a diffuser filtering the room. 

~ 

Grabbing the throw from the bed, I open the french door and bundle into the timber deck chair out on the balcony. The breeze sweeps through my hair as the Moon's light pecks my cheek like a lover's kiss.

I so badly want to shift and reconnect with nature. My home.  

Fiddling with the woolen hem from the blanket, I listen to the yipping and laughter from the pack families below as they too settle in for the night. 

The moon rises to her full height as I continue to muse on time transpired until the acoustic strum of Gabriel's heartbeat reverberates closer as he too retires from the harshness of the day.  

I know he is next door. Although it is but a wall that separates us, the reality is that there is so much more that does...  

This world is far too complicated for my comprehension and I don't know that I will ever be able to bring myself out from the past. And I don't know if I could ever look at Gabriel and not see his brother either. 

I had spent my life yearning for a simple, undisturbed love... life in a leafy loam, sheltered from life's storms. Instead my roots are left wilted and decayed. Nothing new can grow here.  

Reality's harshness is like a slap in the face. I hate him. I hate what he has done to me. Like summer fire that has ravaged land, he has scarred me beyond saving. 

I rest my head back, the creaking of the chair moaning beneath my movement. 

As I close my eyes, I give my mind free rein to fantasize without forcing restraint on my thoughts. A moment to release my inhibitions and feel, truly feel...   

It is only in this way, where I can control every moment in my mind, that I picture the tender stroke of his hand against my face. How I yearn to be comforted... 

Leaning in to his warm embrace I sing a soft soliloquy out to him, "I wish things could have been different for you and I..."

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