None Existent Life

1. Awaken

A cold, dark, and wet night was in full swing when a deathly silence fell over the busy city. Not a car could be heard, not a single house light could be seen, and no restaurant could be smelt. Yet, instead of being cautious of this eerie environment, James was excited to begin his new life.

H gazed down over streets below him, aware of what had become, knowing that in this moment there was great joy but yet anguish. He was free from pain and the mental strains that had become apart of his existence. However what he had not yet realised was, he had just inflicted the most agonising pain on those he loved the most.

Time passed slowly in this new state of being; the cold no longer feels, and sounds cannot be heard. James peeled his eyes from the streets and stared forward. At this point, you may believe what you have read in books or magazines, you may think that a T.V drama had accurately described his situation, however, you are wrong. There is no sense of peace or a blinding white light.

James continued to stare into the distance as a dark shadow approached him, for the first time since entering his new reality, a deep feeling started to stir; a feeling of fear and curiosity.

The shadow began to form a human outline; it was slim, wearing dark clothing, and as it came closer, James felt paralyzed. He could not move a single muscle, not through fear or anxiety, but more of a supernatural hold that this shadow had over him.

The shadow moved faster; it now felt like it was moving at the speed of light, yet time stood still. The face of the shadow had formed a pale complexion, its cheeks sunken into the face. Closer it came--with its bulging, bright green eyes. Closer, closer and ... stop.

James stood staring. The shadow staring back was that of a man. He is old, James thought, maybe eighty or ninety years my senior. His eyes had dark rings, his mouth consisted of brown gums without teeth. His skin was wrinkled, with only a few thin hairs, but one thing that impressed James was this man's impeccable hair: neatly cut and brushed to the left.

"If you're trying to scare me, it won't work," James told the shadow calmly. He remained paralyzed but without the desire to want to move away.

The shadow was still and silent, just staring back without acknowledging James' words. "I know who you are, and I'm not going with you." James continued to speak calmly but with assurance.

Again, the shadow remained still and staring, as though he could look right inside James.

"I am you. I am the lies and the truth, the discrimination and the accepting, the hurt and the comfort. I am everything you are and everything you are not." The shadow spoke deeply without regard, and struck a chord of fear within James.

"I'm dead, aren't I?" James asked this question, expecting it to be true.

"The dead can not feel, neither can they speak or think. The dead no longer exist; your very existence in this conversation alone means that you are not."

James stood confused, wondering how this man could be him, how could he be alive and remain floating fifty feet above the rooftops of the city below?

"You no longer exist to those you love, to those that know in your physical state, but you continue to live. You will discover things you never knew about your wife, children, and friends." The shadow stood firm, continuing to stare intensely into James' soul.
"What you discover will not always be pleasant, but what you choose to do with your new life, continues, as ever, to be your choice."

There was a long pause; both the shadow and James continued to look at each other, no words were spoken, and James realised that whilst he was no longer alive, he had not yet died. Suddenly, he had realised the decision he had made was entirely selfish.

Could he go back? Return to his life and pick up the pieces he had left behind? Could he wipe the slate clean and remove the memory from his family? Or was it too late?

He remained still without blinking, pondering over the questions he was asking himself, wondering if it was in fact too late, and if his fate was sealed. A look of anxiousness on his face must have told the shadow what he was thinking: "You may be able to save yourself, but you must find the strength within, you must return to your physical coat, if you want to exist once again," the shadow growled.

"How do I find my coat if I can't move?" James attempted to move for the first time since the shadows' arrival in this new world.

"Everyone has the strength. I am you, I do not possess the power to hold you against your will." The shadow's reluctance to give anything away annoyed James, after all, if this shadow was really James, then how has he been unable to move since he arrived?

He continued to struggle. "Relax, think, think of all those people you have hurt in your physical life, think of those that have loved you."

James immediately relaxed, as though the shadow had taken away all his anguish without even the slightest blink of an eye. He began to think, images forming inside his head. He saw his wife, Chloe, her beautiful long brown hair, her lightning blue eyes, and he remembered the way she stood the first time he had ever met her.

She walked into his office as a twenty-one-year woman, expecting to interview for an administration job. James stood six feet tall, dressed in a sharp grey suit, a stocky fellow but confident with his image. He always maintained his hair short in the back and sides and combed neatly to the left.

He stood staring at this beautiful woman standing in the doorway to his office, her slim build complimenting her curves in every way imaginable. James knew he was in love with this woman.

His mind raced forward to the day he proposed.He had taken Chloe on a picnic in Llandudno, Wales. It was spontaneous, and unlike James, he remembered her face on the drive, it was puzzled yet joyful. They drove to the top of a big hill called The Great Orme. He had placed the blanket down before finally he popped the question with the sun blazingly hot in the background.

Forward some more to their wedding day. Chloe was dressed in pure white, James in a navy suit with a red cravat, both smiling with complete joy and love for each other. He remembered Chloe refusing to drink at the reception. He had wondered why, then during their first dance, she whispered into his ear: "I love you, James Springstein, my husband and the father of my unborn child." He recalled how he had never been happier than he was in that moment.

His mind raced forward some more to the birth of his daughter Angelica; she had her mother's bright blue eyes, and a full head of hair at birth. He remembered her first cry, her ride home from the hospital, her attempts to walk and the pain he felt when she fell and cried. He thought back to how proud he was to introduce her to his colleagues, her first day at school, and how in that moment she had become his little lady. She was her mother's double and nothing could have made him happier.

His mind raced forward once again he was back in the delivery suite of The Queen Elizabeth hospital, Birmingham; this time Chloe had just given birth to his son, Sean. He remembered feeling his family was complete. This boy was handsome--he looked strong and built like an ox. He was mine, he recalled thinking. His memories moved to the first time Sean laughed and the way they had all gathered around laughing back at him, He recalled Angelica as a four year old, insisting that she help feed her little brother, and the first time he called him daddy.

How did he let his life become such a mess? Three years ago he was happy, he had a successful factory that manufactured and installed bespoke fitted kitchens. A proud father, he had a beautiful wife, daughter, and he just found out that his wife was pregnant again. Thinking about this made him instantly hate himself for what he had done to them. All these thoughts raced back and forth in his mind, without any order, as though it was a jumbled up film about his life.

"Open your eyes, James."

The shadow was still there in the background, but James was not ready to lose sight of his family for good. He feared opening his eyes, in case that was the last he would see of them.

"James, we are here. Open your eyes."

James slowly opened his eyes. He stood looking at his body, a ventilator helping him to breathe, his eyes shut tight. In the distance, a beeping noise, that came every second or so startled him. He looked around to notice his wife sat crying in the corner, with a nurse comforting her. The sound was muffled and he struggled to hear what was being said.

He moved closer to Chloe and reached out a hand, but she could not feel as his hand gently rested on her shoulder. "I am still here my darling," he whispered, but she did not hear his voice.

The sound of her crying began to magnify, and he began to hear the sounds of the hospital: footsteps in corridor outside, he heard phone's ringing at reception, the breathing apparatus gently moving up and down. Finally, he heard his wife's voice.

"Why, James? Why?"

"The doctor will come and speak to you soon, dear," the nurse comforted. "He will explain your husband's condition and what to expect." The nurse looked genuinely sad but somewhat awkward, as though this was the first time she would of comforted someone in this way. The nurse was comforting, no very pretty, a little plump but she seemed genuine.

The footsteps in the corridor began to move closer, and then a knock at the door. James spun around to see the doctor enter the room. "Mrs Springstein, I'm Dr Choudry," a man in a white coat spoke assertively and confident, but without much of a bedside manor. "Your husband as inhaled a lot of smoke, and was unconscious for a long time before the paramedics found him. His brain was starved of oxygen for a prolonged period of time."

James saw the tears rolling down Chloe's face as she took in the doctor's words.

"We have placed him in a seduced coma," the doctor continued, "in the hope that his lungs will recover from the trauma they received. The machines will help him to breath, so try not to be too alarmed."

Chloe gave a small cough to clear her throat as she awkwardly changed her position slightly.
"Will he be OK doctor?"

James had never heard his wife sound so fragile.

"It's really too early to say. We will run some tests in the morning to determine his brain function. But, Mrs Springstein, the next twenty four hours are crucial. I would suggest calling friends and relatives. It's important to have support during such trying times as these."

Chloe began to sob loudly as the doctor walked away, a nurse tried, but failed, to calm her. James stood watching, aware that he, too, could do nothing to help his tearful wife. "What have I done!" he screamed at the top his voice. Falling to his knees, he put his hand on Chloe's and gazed up to her distraught face. "I am so sorry my sweetheart, I'll find a way back. I promise, I will!"

"It takes more than a promise, James" the shadow had appeared once again, standing next to James' dying body. James gave him a look of desperation.

Just as he was about to unleash an angry slur, his children walk into the room accompanied by another nurse. "I'm sorry, Mrs Springstein, but Angelica insisted on seeing her mommy."

"Mommy, I'm scared." His young daughter said, wiping at the tears streaming down her face. James realized that six-year-old Angelica understood that her dad, lying in a hospital bed, with tubes, wires, and machines, was not a good thing.

"So am I baby, but Daddy is strong. He'll be okay." Chloe hugged her daughter tighter than she ever had before.

"Tell me how I go back!" James yelled at the shadow, fear consuming his face.

"Desire or human emotion plays no part in your return to your physical coat," the shadow rumbled. "The need to exist will take you back." Again the shadow talked in riddles.

"I need to survive, I need to be there for my family, I need to go back." Fear has now turned to pleading.

"But why do you need to go back? Answer that question, and you're a step closer to your desires." The shadow's voice was confident and quiet, as if James already knew the answer.