Words of Wisdom

I am not afraid

I am not afraid of all of this. 

i am not afraid of this virus. I am not afraid of catching it, not really. I am not afraid of dying from it, not completely. 

I am afraid of the changes that are being caused by its presence. 

The change is the thing that is really impacting us all the most, is it not? 

You cannot say that you disagree with me. Because you cannot see me. You cannot speak to me, not really. Speaking to someone through the phone, through text, through your computer - is that really having a conversation with them? Does that count as being close to them? I don't feel that it is, not really. 

I am afraid of the changes that are going to linger after all of this chaos has ended. I am afraid of not going back to school. I am afraid of not going back to work. I am afraid of not seeing the people who are close to me again. Because I am afraid that we will not be able to interact in the same way that we did before. Because we now live in fear. 

We have all changed the atmosphere of the world that we live in. It has become a world of fear and paranoia. We have allowed ourselves to become too afraid of germs and strangers. So afraid and paranoid in fact that a friendly greeting to a stranger, a polite smile, a kind gesture has become something that is met with a mean face. A flinch. A hesitant and unconscious step away. 

"6 feet", they say. 

"Social distancing," they report. 

While this might be the thing that protects all from something that is actually incredibly common to beat, something that has become blow out of proportion by everyone, and in every possible way. There are those among us who are more afraid of being alone, of being socially distant, that life after... this thing, doesn't even seem real. 

I used to be able to picture my future very clearly. I used to be able to see the things I wanted to see and imagine every possible outcome with the upmost detail. 

But now... there is nothing there when I try to imagine the day that all of this is over. When the haze of fear disappears and we can all start to go back to normal. The day that we can pick up again with our lives. 

What scares me the most is that I cannot imagine that day. 

It is the most terrifying thing I have ever encountered in my life. And I have seen my fair share of terrifying events. I am losing hope in the future that is thus far guaranteed to still exist there somewhere beyond the horizon. 

Because, what is the point in forcing myself to live through this, to live like this? If there is no reward at the end of it all. It is the same as telling a man who has believed his entire life with the promise of a reward in the beyond, that you can prove without a doubt that there is nothing for him when his life is over. Does that make sense? This man, he would now know that there is nothing for him to live for. The people that he hoped to see and spend eternity with, they are not real. They are not waiting for him. All of the suffering and pain that he has endured has been for not. It would crush him, taking away his reason for being. 

That is what I am afraid of. 

I am afraid of the nothingness that is looming on the horizon. 

I am afraid of the isolation. 

I am afraid of spending the rest of my days cut off from the people and the places that I love the most. 

For losing them, is far worse than dying. 

But what can I do to keep from feeling this way? What is to keep me from spiraling into the depths of depression and melancholy? Who am I supposed to talk to? to confide in? In strange times such as these. 

Feeling this way makes it hard to get things done. It can make it hard to be productive like we might've been before. It makes it hard to get up in the morning with the same enthusiasm, when your world has just shrunk its borders to the walls of your bedroom. 

How can you work to better yourself? How can you live? People are not made to live this way. Not forever. Its just not sustainable for everyone. 

The only thing that you can do now, is just do everything. Be everything that you want to be, and can't, when the world is normal. That's really the only option. Try all of the things that you never had the time to try. Read all of the stories you can get your hands on. Read as much as you want so you can fuel your imagination, so you can travel as far and for as long as you want in your dreams. But don't normalize this. 

Because it will all be over soon. You'll see. As long as you do as you are told and temporarily limit your world like this. Then it will all be over soon. You will wake up one morning and there will be nothing for you to be afraid of anymore. The life that you lived before will start again and you will not have to be afraid. 

Because I am not afraid of the end. 

I am afraid of the beginning. 

I am afraid of the middle. 

I am afraid of the hours. 

But, no, I am not afraid of the end.