The Suicide Note ~KNJ FF~

Chapter 2

~April 5th 2019~
I step inside my therapist's office and I sit on the grey couch across from the grey chair she sits in.
"So, How have you been?" She asks me and I could see the hopefulness in her eyes that Ill say 'Better' or 'Im great.'
"I went to his grave... I talk to him? I guess you could say I don't understand that." I respond and the hopefulness drain from her dark brown eyes.
"Well, What did you say to him?" I slightly sigh and pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them before clearing my throat and speaking.
"uhm... I started with Hello and I set flowers down before sitting on the cold and wet grass,
~April 4th 2019~
I sit in front of his grave just staring at his name carved into it and the words above it
'May you rest in peace'
When I speak my voice cracks,
"Why... Why did you have to leave me, Jesus Namjoon! All you had to do was call me. I would have come to you, You selfish asshole!" I yell at his grave.
"You jerk. I hate you. But, I really don't, In reality, I love you. I am in love with you and I always will be..." I grab my phone and look at our pictures.
I start to talk to myself as I scroll through the photos, "A million words will not bring you back, I know because I've tried, neither would a million tears. Trust me I know because I've cried."
Just as I feel a tear roll down my cheek and gust of wind blows by my face and as I look up I swear I could see him in the clouds... Smiling. All I did was smile back, then it was gone.
~April 5th 2019~
"So do you believe that you say him looking down at you?" I shrug my shoulders
"I don't know what I say but it looked just like him, and I don't believe in God but I swear... He's up there. Somewhere." The sadness in my voice deepens.
"Okay," She jots down some notes and continues "Let's get back on what we were saying last time, How you met and we were talking about how you came back in 8th grade and Taehyung? Was it?" I nod, "Was nice to you and he walked you to class... So let's pick up from there."
~March 18th 2015~
I sit in my last period and I check the clock, 2:14pm,
'One more minute' I think to myself. The second the bell rings I stand up and grab my backpack, One I step out the door I run straight into Taehyungs chest.
"Fuck! That hurt Tae!" He laughs and winks at me but I just nudge his arm. We walk side by side till we get outside to the bus loop and he gives me a hug before we part ways.
"Oh My God! Already slutting up with Taehyung? Damn, that was fast" I hear Namjoons voice behind me and I roll my eyes, "Fuck off Namjoon!"
"Nah Im good," He says and I stop making him stop, I drop my bag to the floor and turn to face him. "What you going to do? Fight me?"He laughs and I kick him right in the nuts, "Next time I tell you to Fuck off! LISTEN! And also Damn right I've changed! The death of a father does that to you, jackass!" Everyone pauses and watches me pick up my bag and get on my bus. Once I get on people watch me sit down alone and before I can object anything Jimin sits down.
"Hey sweet pea, say what you did to Namjoon. Badass" He tilts his head and looks at me and just smiles.
"Fuck off Jimin or you'll be next." I scoot closer to the window and h just sighs,
"I wanted to say Im sorry about your dad... and I'll leave now. Im clearly not wanted"I could hear the sadness in his voice but I choose to ignore it and still be angry at him.
"Ya think?! Now fuck OFF!" I yell at him and he just backs out of the seat and runs to the back where Jin and Jungkook were sitting and they all start laughing. I hear mine and Namjoons name a few times and a few sound effects before I put my headphone on and turn my MP3 Player all the way up and cry silently the rest of the way home.
~April 5th 2019~
"Jeez, I had no idea, im so sorry for your loss. But it does explain a lot about why you're this way after his death" I look at her confused.
"The death of your father left a hole, like every death of a parent does, but you eventually used Namjoon as a filler for that hole and when he died it took even more because he made an even bigger impact on you." What she was saying made so much sense to me. I just nod as she speaks.
"Can we talk about your father?" I nod.
~November 27th 2005~
I sat at the table waiting for my parents to come out with a birthday cake with a giant '3' on it but only my mother walked out.
She sang me happy birthday and watched me blow out the candle and gave me a piece of the cake and my presents.
She watched me with a smile but when I had a cake filled face and pieces of confetti and wrapping paper stuck in my hair I ask, "Mommy? Wheres Daddy? You said he was going to be here..." She sighs and walks to me. Picking me up out of my highchair and walks me to the bathroom.
"Well... Daddy is at a place where you cant go right now and when he gets back it'll be really late at night and you'll be asleep but, hell be home." She sets me on the counter of the bathroom and starts to clean my face.
~April 5th 2019~
"What was 'the place you couldn't go'? She sir quotes 'The Place I couldn't go'.
"The bar. My dad was a raging echolalic who wasted our money at the bar and on hookers. He'd go to work, go to the bar/Strip club, come home around 4am hammered then pass out wherever in the house, wake up, repeat. Oh and no one dares to talk to him, ever." I say and pull down my hoodies long sleeves and she clearly notices the cuts that lay deep within my wrists.
"You know that won't help right?" I look up and she motions her head to my wrists,
"It helps with the pain... of losing him." She sighs and writes on her notepad.
"Anyway, let us get back to 8th grade." She says changing the subject.
"What about it? Taehyung changed, and the rest still bullied me... But by 9th grade, Taehyung and I were dating and that infuriated him. To the point where he beat Taehyung. But that was the day I loved him.. I know I sound crazy." I tell her and she asks me to explain.
~December 9th 2016~
I was walking through the halls when I hear 'Fight! Fight Fight!' so of course, I go see because I never miss a good fight. But one I saw Taehyung on the ground bruised and semi crying as Namjoon punched him I had to interfere.
I run up behind Namjoon and kick him in the nuts and once he falls I punch him square in the nose. I don't stop punching till he finally begs me to stop.
I stand up and everyone has stopped and is staring at me,
"If you EVER touch him again I will put a bullet right through your fucking skull! All of you" I look at the rest of the boys and they all back up.
I rush to Taehyungs side and Help him up and we walk to the nurses,
"Now what the fuck did you do?!" I ask as we sit in the nurse's office together.
"What do you mean?" He looks at me dumbfounded
"Don't play dumb! What did you do to piss him off?! He has a reason for everything he does! Now, What. Did. You. Say.!" I yell and he snaps,
"He said he likes you and I told him you are too good for him and his nothing but a low life asshat who feels the only way to get the attention of his crush is to bully her and then force your best friend to get close to her, So he can actually be near her and not have to ruin your reputation!" We both freeze and Im in tears.
"Is that all I am to you? Just a chore to Namjoon?! IS that all this was?!" I slap him right on his bruise and yell,  "Were over Taehyung!" I rip the necklace he gave me for our 6 months off and I throw it at him and storm out and to find Namjoon.
I see him in the ISS room and I storm into it and he instantly flinches when he sees me, "You got to be fucking kidding me!" He relaxes.
"He told you?" He said calmly but still tense by my presence.
"Ya think?! How could you do that?! To me! To him!" I scream at him and the teacher interrupts,
"Pari-"
"Shut the fuck up Mrs Jackson! Before the next this to come out of your mouth will be your teeth!"
I start to cry, "If you wanted my attention! Just talk to me! Don't pull my hair, call me names, Throw papers full of rude and mean things at me! JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME! I would listen and MAYBE give you a second chance" His eyes light up after I say, "Stay the fuck away from me, I will NEVER be with you! You're mean, and a jerk, and you have a stupidly amazing smile that makes me crazy" I could feel the other boys eyes widen. "And your eyes sparkle in the light and you're tall and muscular and that's never been my type but for some reason whenever I see you all I want is to feel your arms wrapped around me! And god your lips are so perfect all I want is to kiss them-" Im stopped by Namjoons lips crashing into mine. I kiss him back and all the boys all cheer and I just smile into the kiss.
When we pull away I say, "Pick me up at 8. Don't be late or I'll kick your ass again" He smirks,
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."
~April 5th 2019~
"That sounded like an eventful day" I shrug, "It was the second period" We both laugh and she informs me that the time was up.
She holds my mom back to talk to her and I go sit in the car.
When m mom gets in the car she pulls my wrist and looks at the marks and she saps me, "You are such a disappointment!"
It was the same as last time,
I go home,
Go to my room,
I run into the bathroom with a razor,
I take a shower and cut,
Then I cry myself to sleep after.