Retold

Little Red Riding Hood

Originated: Believed to originate in the 10th century by people who tell European Folk Lore I suppose

Fun Fact: The story never says that Red Riding Hood has red hair it is just naturally assumed, in fact according to Norse Mythology Red Riding Hood is actually Loki and the wolf is actually Thor dressed as Freya so theres that too.

And now our story:

Once upon a time there lived a girl named Little Red Riding Hood and before you ask no that wasn't her real name. She was called Little Red Riding Hood because she always wore a little red riding hood. Why they thought this would make sense I do not know that would be like calling a child Big Blue Leather Jacket. I mean could you imagine it "Oh, hey Yellow and Orange Windbreaker could you come over here for a second?" "Of course just one moment Long Green Pea Coat."Anyways to nip that in the bud the kid had a weird name but everyone still adored her. Why yo Once u may ask? I have no idea but it was probably because she wore her red hood so often that people mistook her for a red head and of course red heads are universally loved of course that is only my completely unbiased opinion.

One day Little Red's Mother told her to go out and take her Grandma some cake and wine (because Grandma was secretly an alcoholic) (ok so maybe she wasn't in the story but in my opinion this is the only way all this shit makes sense). Little Red's Mother told her to hurry on her way and also warned her not to go off jumping and skipping through the woods because then she may spill the wine and Grandma would have nothing to fuel her addiction with. Little Red said she would be careful, I mean she wasn't obviously, but I mean if she was this wouldn't have made a very good story so I guess her negligence was actually good in a way.

While Red was on her way to her Grandmothers house she met with a wolf. Now apparently Little red had never heard the term stranger danger because she decided it would be a good idea to talk to the wolf. The first the the wolf asked her was where she was going, now something I think you all should know is that you should never talk to strangers also like don't tell them where you are going especially never tell wolf strangers anything because the only things they will do are try to eat you or blow your house to the ground, neither of which sound pleasant. Of course we already know because Little Red is a protagonist and this is a fairy tale she is a dumb shit so of course she tells the wolf exactly where she is going and what she intends to do. Poor decision on her part.

When the Wolf heard all that Little Red had said he became very excited, I mean here he was thinking he would only be able to capture and eat Grandma and I mean really who wants to eat an old person with and alcohol problem, probably not the wolf. As the wolf began forming his evil scheme he suggested that Red pick some flowers for her Grandma. Red of course thought that was a great idea, apparently Grandma needed more than cake and wine to cheer her up. So as Red was picking flowers Wolfie snuck off to see Grandma.

Wolf arrived at the door and knocked and knocked and knocked again only to receive no answer. Wolfie decided to knock harder maybe this would wake Grandma up from her stupor? Well this did the trick because from inside came a shaky voice:

"Who is that? Who is knocking?"

"Why it's Little Red Riding Hood," replied the Wolf in his sweetest voice, which probably wasn't that nice I mean he was a wolf.

"You don't sound like Little Red," replied Grandma. I guess Wolfies voice wasn't sweet enough.

"Oh well it is me I'm sick that's why I sound like bad also I brought you wine!"

"Well in that case dearest come right in." Now at this point I'm not sure if Grandma actually believed the lie or if she just heard wine and didn't really care who was bringing it.

Now I realize at this point you are saying no, no way grandma is a drunkard, but let's be honest what kind of a person mistakes a wolf for a human and at that a human that this lady has probably seen like once a week for ten years. Yeah, now you are getting my point, every town has to have a crazy drunkard it might as well be the Grandma.

Back in Grandma's house the wolf flung open the door and ate Grandma whole. Now I feel the need to pause and reflect on that one sentence because first of all if the door was unlocked why didn't the wolf just break in, and I mean did he really have to eat her whole because first of all that is really bad for digestion and secondly had he just chewed her he could have avoided a lot of trouble later on, but I won't say more because you know spoilers. As soon as the wolf had gobbled up Grandma he put on her clothes and laid in her bed. Now see here is another thing that I need more specificities on ok so where exactly did he get the clothes from? Now considering Grandma was the town drunkard I can't imagine her being able to afford more than one pair of pajamas so was Grandma some kind of pajama thief, did the Wolf strip her from her clothes before he ate her, or did she just sleep comando? The possibilities are while super disturbing totally endless.

Red finally arrives at Grandma's house not so long after the Wolf had devoured Grandma. I mean I don't know too much about wolf digestion or about how much eating a person whole and alive affects that but I would say she arrived within the hour. As soon as Red entered the house she knew something was off, I mean she didn't know what because like I said she was kind of a dumbass I mean really how do you not notice that your grandmother in now a wolf! Like was Red just really unobservant, did she have horrible eye sight, or did all those years of heavy drinking just really take their toll on Grandma? Anyway after Red walked in they did the whole "Oh my dearest Gradmama what big eyes your have!" " Ya well you know what it's really rude to insult your elders!" thing and eventually the wolf swallowed Red whole.

Once the wolf had finished his meal he became tired and fell asleep. Apparently wolf snores sound an awful lot like drunk old lady snores because soon after this a huntsman came passing by the house and went inside to check on the town drunk, I mean delightful Grandma. Now as soon as the huntsman saw the wolf he knew he had to kill him because wolf fur was totally in that season. Because this is a fairy tale right before the huntsman shot the wolf he though "Oh hey I wonder if there is a possibility this wolf swallowed the old lady because whole? Hmm ya' never know I better go check!" So the Huntsman took a pair of scissors and cut open the wolf's stomach releasing Red Riding Hood and her Grandma. Oddly enough through this whole cutting and snipping and people walking out of his stomach thing the wolf didn't actually wake up, so Red go the bright idea of putting rocks in his stomach and sewing him back up. Of course as soon as the wolf woke up he tried to run but since there were so many rocks in his stomach he promptly fell over and died. After Red, Grandma, and the Huntsman had watched the very life fading out of their victim's eyes they celebrated! Grandma of course got completely hammered, the huntsman made a lovely jacket out Wolfies fur, and Red decided that she had learned a valuable lesson and she promised herself she would never get distracted and play around in the woods again, unfortunately she never said she would never murder again.

Some time later Red Riding was still aiding in her Grandmothers addiction and was bringing her wine. Now Red had wisened up since her first encounter with the wolf yes thats right she was no longer the dumbass, good for her! Now that she was no longer a dumbass she decided the next best things to become a wolf murderer. After Red arrived at Grandma's house a second wolf knocked on the door attempting the same rouse as the first, you remember the whole "Oh please let me in I am really Red Riding Hood plus I have wine," thing? Well this time they were not having it so the wolf hopped onto the roof in an attempt to enter the house but unfortunately Red baited him into falling off the roof and he drowned in a water trough. And that my dear children is the story of how Little Red Riding Hood turned into Red the wolf killer, but you may rest assured that that was the last time Red ever murdered anyone... Or was it? Dun Dun Dun...

Ha. Just kidding that's the end of her murders.

The End.

Moral of the Story: Well don't talk to wolves obviously.....Also get your eyes checked on a regular basis so that you too don't mistake a loved one for a wolf.