Letting go | Ethina

The letter - chapter 1

Dear Ethan,
This is Kristina writing, I always wanted to tell you something but I never found the courage to do it in person so I'm doing it in a letter.

I know you must be very confused right now just reed it and you will understand... maybe.

Ever since I remember meeting you I also remember having feelings for you. Since the first time I saw you, I remember you caught my attention for some odd reason. And don't get me wrong I don't think it was love at first sight, but I surely don't know how my feelings for you started.

I just know we were both 15 years old and we were both sophomores, you flirted with me every day. Now that I look back I was way too innocent to realise you were flirting with me. Anyways I thought you hated me and my feelings for you would grow every day and I didn't know how to handle them.

I used to always talk to one of my closest friends that time you know her, Emma Chamberlain. I always talked about my feelings with her and I trusted her, so one day she texts me and says and I quote "Ethan likes you back Kristina".

I remember laughing because I thought she was joking with me so she goes and says that she was talking to your friend and he knew she was friends with me so he told Sydney that you were always saying that you liked me to your friends.
I didn't know how to react but I remember I cried because my feelings were corresponded.

Time passes and so many of your friends tell me you like me. At this point I'm annoyed because your friends kept telling you liked me but you would never make a move. Sure we flirted every day but that wasn't enough for me. Later sophomore year you kind of told me you liked me but it wasn't directly you were kind of joking but we both know you meant it. So me being the dumbass that I am I acted like you were joking and never confessed my feelings.

In my head everyone knew I liked you because my friends were always pointing the way ai looked at you and the way I smiled at you but I always denied it because I didn't want to admit it to myself. So I kept denying it until I couldn't do it anymore. It got to a point were my happiness towards the day would depend on how much attention you would give me and how much time we spent flirting.

End of sophomore year you decided to pull a prank on Sydney I never knew the reason and I guess I will never know. But the prank consisted in you ask her to be your girlfriend. Oh my god I wish I could describe how jealous I was but I don't even know. So you ask her to be your girlfriend and she says she doesn't like you but she would date you.

First why would someone date someone if you don't like the other person and second she knew damn well that I liked you. She was casually talking to you through text messages and sending me screenshots and when I read what she said I played it cool because I was dumb and she was toxic but I couldn't see it.

She ended up moving and I ended up cutting her off because if she really was my friend and really cared about me she would've had a different reaction to the prank.

Beginning of junior year I was conscious about comming back to school I still had feelings and I wouldn't know how you would react towards me, I didn't know if we would still have the same relationship I had with you were we flirted for fun of course there was a lot o feelings envolved but we never cared about that.

So junior year starts and I finally get a chance to talk to you again because the whole summer we hadn't talk. To be honest there was always this girl that I never liked because you flirted with her too. I know is so stupid like what am I 5 years old, seriously. Then I realized I was hating a girl because of a guy that I don't even date so I just stop being childish and became friends with her, one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I passed half junior year trying to realise if you still felt the same way about me but I had no idea, so I decided it was time to move. I decided that I was over you and would keep flirting because it was fun. All my friends asked me seceral times if I was really over you and my answer was always yes, but deep down I knew I wasn't but I didn't want to admit it to myself once again.

Even though I was "over you" there was this girl that always talked to you and it was pretty obvious she liked, and I was jealous all the time. That bothered me so much because I wasn't allowed to get jealous because we weren't together and would never be but still it was killing me inside.

You stared using pet names with me and I pretend I didn't liked it/ didn't care but oh boy I was over the moon. Hearing you call me something only you would say would brighten up my mood. We also got closer and more comfortable with each other.

Nothing much new happens in junior year just the usual stuff and I'm still denying that I'm not over you. Junior year passes and again we don't talk in the summer I'm too shy to pull conversation so I just let it be.

Senior year starts and I'm pretty damn excited last year of highschool it has everything to go good and be my best year of highschool. At the same time as I'm excited I'm also anxious I mean university is a big deal plus the chances os never seeing my old friends are big but I put that aside, we were just starting senior year.

In my opinion I tried to enjoy that year the most because in not that long I would be in college and separated from a lot of people I love and care about. I think my feelings for you kind of cooled down a bit. I truly believe this was the year we got way closer. Before we flirted all the time but we weren't that close friends. But senior year we got more friendly but still flirty. It wierd I don't really know how to explain.

So many things happen but at the same time I don't really remember them but one thing that I do remember is wanting to confess my feelings in the end of the school year. My plan was in the last day of shool just tell you how I felt through sophomore and half of junior year even though I knew well that I still felt that way.

But spoiler alert I didn't do it I mean you know it. I never told you. I spent the whole school year thinking about it it almost drove me crazy, sometimes was the only thing I thought while looking and talking to you. I guess I never did it because I realized that I still had feelings for you and I didn't want to lie to you and say that it was how I felt a year and a half ago when I still had feelings. And I wouldn't say to you're face that I've been on love with you gor the past three years of my life.

Because I am pretty sure you were over me and I wouldn't put myself up for failure. So I never did it and believe me I never planned on writing this letter either but truth is I'm in college now I've met so many new people I've tried to fall in love with another boy but I can't. Beginning of college I tried to like this boy for at least 4 months I was always telling myself that I liked him but then I came to the conclusion that I don't like him like that and I was just trying to forget you so I breath again.

So it's been basically 4 years and I've liked to this long. Don't get me wrong I'm not writing this so we can go against everything single thing in the world so we can get together. I'm writing this as my closure, writing this so I can let you go and fall in love with new people, to be able to move on.

So goobye Ethan thanks for everything you did to me and made me feel even though you have no idea how special you were to me I mean you still are but it's my time to let go.

Maybe its a lot to take in but I needed to do it I hope you understand. Thank you. Bye.

Love, Kristina.

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AN
This is my first time writing fanfic so idk let's see it has to come.
Also English is not my first language correct me all you want I appreciate it.
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