Queens & Clowns

Yee (T)haw

"Cuckledoddledooooo!" I rose at the crack of dawn to the shrill cry of my rooster, Robger. Blinking the sleep out of my steely blue eyes, I stretched my aching back. The start of every day only brought new sorrows, for every moment spent awake was merely another second away from my dream: to be a Clown.

I gazed down at my hands, rough and calloused from my back-breaking work on my family farm. Oh, how I longed to see them gloved in clown gloves!

"Nikolaj!!!"

Alas, duty calls.

"I am on my way, mother!" I called back in response, gazing forlornly at the bright red clown nose sitting atop my rickety bedside table. As the firstborn and sole male heir, the responsibility of taking over my father's farm was on my shoulders. As much as I knew it should be a privilege, (we owned the best acres of property), this responsibility always felt more like a burden. My family had always frowned upon my heart's true desire. My father dismissed my passions, and my 4 sisters scoffed whenever they saw me juggle. Only my mother showed any form of approval or support of my dreams - she sometimes indulged me and gave me small claps. Every one of their cutting words chipped away at my self esteem, and I was left with close to none...With a sigh heavier than our prized cow, I pulled my rubber boots on and plodded out into the crisp, cold morning air.

Every day was the same: plough the fields, chop the wood, till the wheat and groom the cow. The day started at dawn and ended at dusk, with a quiet family dinner around our circular wooden table, the frosty winter air only punctuated by the clinks of spoons against bowls.

I fell into line beside my gruff father as we worked the fields. He was a rugged man with greying hair and a thick beard, whose words were scarce, but powerful and often thunderous. His word was law, judge and lawyer in my family - uncontested and undisputed.

"Nikolaj, your 21st birthday is next week, yes?" My father said, barely lifting his eyes from the ground, "we will have to sign the documents to you officially."

My heart sank. "Yes father," I replied, eyes downcast. Though I had spent my life on this farm, having it signed over to me felt so final, so definite. It was as if my future from then would be set in stone. Hope is a dangerous thing, and it was foolish of me to have allowed myself to ever hope to leave this farm...

The rest of the day dragged by in a blur of sound and smell. I rather enjoyed the familiarity of the routine, but not the gruelling labour and its occasional monotony. As we hauled our fatigued bodies back into the house for dinner, the sun began to set, casting a glow over the heaps of dung that sat drying. It was almost majestic. We sat wordlessly at the dinner table, shovelling the warm gruel into our mouths. Then, we parted ways and retreated to our personal quarters. This was the only time of the day I had to myself - the only time of the day which I lived for. Shutting the door behind me, I turned to face my clown nose sitting atop the dresser. Gingerly, I put it on, careful not to let it honk. It was always devastating, how I had to hide who I truly was and what I loved most, for fear of facing the wrath of my family. I never dared to slather on my full face of clown makeup, just in case someone came in. A nose was easier to remove swiftly!

From under my bed, I pulled out my clown box, full of my clown supplies which I had ordered from Taobao. Today, I would practice juggling. From within the box I produced three red balls, which I then began to throw and catch in the air with grace and dexterity. I looked at myself in the mirror, making sure to wiggle my eyebrows every few seconds for comedic effect. Many saw Clownery as a crude practice of vulgar jest, but I chose to see laughter as the antidote to bitterness and anger. Clownery is a craft and an art - one which I strove to hone and perfect!

As the night crept in and the moon hung high in the night sky, my practice only progressed. Perhaps....Dare I say it? Perhaps I was ready to try the forbidden maneuver.

Peering out from my room to ensure my family was asleep, I crept into the kitchen to acquire a banana. Deftly, I peeled the yellow, phallic phruit and inhaled its sweet flesh in one slurp. This was all part of the act. Then, I gingerly placed it on the floor. Miming and jingling across the floor, I feigned ignorance and idiocy as I knowingly strode towards the peel. With a confident step, I placed my bodyweight firmly on the left side of the peel.

CRASH

I felt a thrill run through my body as I tumbled to the ground, splaying my body artfully into a graceful dab. I lay on the ground, adrenaline coursing through my veins. I had done it!

Without warning, my door slammed open as my father barged in, frying pan in hand. "NIKOLAJ! HAS SOMEONE COME TO STEAL THE CO-" His thundering baritone trailed off as his eyes registered my form on the floor, with the clown nose and banana peel. He quickly put two and two together, and sighed in annoyed relief.

"Nikolaj, why do you insist on pursuing such frivolous things so late into the night? I thought someone had come to steal the cow again, you scared me!" He knitted his brow and massaged his temples, "Go to sleep, we have no time for this. Also the banana was festering and was for the pig."

His words, though not as cutting as usual, broke the last straw on the camel's back. I was the camel. "WHY WON'T YOU EVER SUPPORT ME?" I raised my voice, flinging the banana peel into his bearded face.

Immediately, I regretted my actions. By this time, my entire family had appeared to spectate the drama. There was very little entertainment on the farm, so any conflict was celebrated by uninvolved parties.

Wiping the peel from his face, my father's hands trembled with rage. "How dare you?" He spat, in an eerily quiet voice, "If you so badly want to be a fool, then get off my farm!"

Just as I was about to grovel and ask for forgiveness, I saw my sister snortle at my nose. I don't know what came over me. My anger and resentment had finally been released.

"I MAY BE A CLOWN, BUT I CHOOSE MY CIRCUS!!!!!!!" a feral scream escaped from within me, and I haphazardly stuffed all of my clown supplies into a duffel bag. Hastily grabbing all of my savings, I elbowed past my father and stormed out of the house, leaving my seething father and distraught mother behind. What stopped me from turning back were the faint but piercing snorts from my sisters, who had just discovered my backup nose.

Wiping the angry tears from my eyes, I swore never to return.