in my eyes

can we talk?

we stood there for a while, enjoying our embrace.
we were still listening to music an hour or after that, and decided to have a little midday fashion show.
i go first, modelling my mini skirt, vinyl boots, and necklaces. i feel that a black tank is fitting with this already risque ensemble rather than a real top.
i walk in the living room the way i assume a model would, "so?" i give him a little spin.
"you could wear that to work, you know." freddie covers his mouth and laughs a little.
"i only wore this because of what you said about my skirt!" i laugh, i need to work on my sense of style i suppose.
he tries to convince me that my fashion choices have potential, "i didn't say it was bad! it's very you."
"i do dress like a bit of a prostitute, don't i."
"you said it, not me." freddie gets up, "okay, okay, my turn!"
i wait, changing the vinyl. i never loved a man the way i love you is spinning as i sit on the floor.
"what you want!" i hear freddie call from his bedroom.
i respond with the following lyric, "baby i got it!" i hear him giggle.
he's always so happy when his favorite artists come on, so i had to spin aretha. a minute later he enters the room, satin top with the necklace and rings he purchased as well as the chain i snagged. he is also wearing some beautiful blue satin bottoms he already had with some white shoes.
"freddie!" i jump up, "you have such a keen eye for threads." i approach him and feel the satin, "ooh it feels even softer than it did in the shop."
"it's even nicer to wear," he teases my poorly hidden jealousy, "shame you gave it to me."
i slap his arm lightly, "oh, shut it."
he laughs, "let's put our american princess tops on!"
we rush to get them on, as if this is some sort of competition. sadly i did not win, "okay, it suits you pretty damn well." freddie admits defeat, "it looks nice with the slutty skirt."
"you are so mean to me i swear." i laugh, "i'm having a drink." i grab two beers from the refridgerator, giving one to fred once i return to the sitting room.
"it's hardly the afternoon, luce."
"it's a saturday, we're fine."
we sit around for a bit, just talking. freddie looks lost in thought, holding a notebook. he jots down a few words every so often. i pace around the room as we speak, bored. we reach a moment of silence and i remember the way this all began. i moved to london from the states for university and was happy to go to every pub in sight. i was in one, don't remember the name. still sober, i bumped into some casanova looking bloke. right then there was a connection, whatever one liner he pulled threw me into a fit of laughter. we saw each other loads and have stuck around since. we have been arranging to meet a lot more frequently this past year.
"lucy?" freddie breaks the silence, "can we talk?"
he sounds nervous, "sure," i sit beside him, "what's up?"
he takes a deep breath, "do you know anyone that's.. homo?"
"yeah, why?"
freddie looks down, seemingly upset.
"freddie, you can tell me anything."
he looks up at me, "i don't know what i want anymore."
"what do you mean?" i take his hand as a sign of comfort, of trust.
"i can't be with girls... you know, that way. i just can't. rosemary got so upset about it, but i just can't help my needs... i must sound ridiculous." he is upset now, some tears in his eyes, "you know, it's nothing important. stupid, really..."
"no, freddie! don't ever say that." i'm hurting for fred, i can only imagine what is going through his mind.
"i just... i don't want people to hate me when they find out, i can't just sit and suffer!" freddie fully breaks down now, we both understand. all i can do is hold him.
"freddie, i can't even imagine how you feel. i'm so sorry." i hug him tighter, "i know what you're saying, and it doesn't change a thing. i love you just the same, freddie." freddie doesn't know what to say, but thankfully he seems a bit better. "if there's anything i can do for you, just tell me."
freddie looks up again, "i'm sorry for getting so upset. i was scared you were going to get up and leave me, like she did.."
"freddie i would never, and don't be sorry." i hope he feels safer now, knowing he has friends that accept him.
"thank you, lucy." he half smiles at me, now i know he is closer to his true self.
"of course." i hug him lightly again, "want me to get you anything?"
"no, no. i'm alright."
"are you sure? i really don't mind."
"okay... call up a bloke, then."
we both laugh, freddie is happy again.