Mental Suicide // a.i au

//Chapter 1//

"Are you afraid of dying?"

"No. Just scared of letting everyone down. Scared to let go, even though I know it's inevitable."

"So you just cope with this? With all of this?" He pointed around the room.

"It isn't that hard once you learn what your life is. When you've finally learned you're too far gone, beyond repair. You get used to it. But nothing here will help. Not the therapy, the medicine, anything. Nothing will work. We're all made this way for a reason. Our minds are too weak to live a normal life. So our parents send us here. So they can keep a little bit of sanity, thinking that their child isn't that fucked up. That this is just a rough patch and recovery can happen. But really, it can't. Even though they free you, they say you're fine. You're 'healed' and your mind is now safe. It isn't. You're always going to feel what you felt. You're always going to be reminded of all the sleepless nights, of all the suicide attempts. And that is when relapse happens. That's when your inner demons come back out to play. That's when you're sent back here. I would know. So yeah, you learn to get used to it. You learn to cope. It isn't that hard." I shrug.

He sat there. He sat in front of my chair, speechless. Not a word. Just staring at me wide eyed. It doesn't bother me. I'm used to it by now. I lean back, crossing my legs, and stare back at him.

"Nora... you will get better. I mean, I know you've been in here a couple of times, but you eventually will. You just have to let the past be the past. Something will change. You just have to let it. Let your mind be itself again." He finally said.

"What you don't understand is I've never been a normal girl. I've never been a happy minded person. I never had a happy life. So no, I can't be 'myself' if I already am myself, Michael." I stood up, nodded at the nurse and let her lead me away. Michael didn't try and stop her. He knows better. I looked down at my feet, letting my hair retake its usual place around my face, and follow the nurse back to my room.

"Nora.." The nurse started. But I ignored her. I know what to do. I sat down on the edge of my bed slowly lifting my legs up to my chin. Looking up at my only home since I've been here.

"Honey.. You need to eat." She said nicely and low.

"No." I whispered. I looked back down at my toes, letting the slicing silence take over my ears.

Kira didn't say another word, turning around and walking away like she always does.

I turn away from the food left laying in front of my bed, grabbing my book from the dresser, I walk over to the window. This is where I can sit, and think peacefully. This is where I am calm. Where I am collected, un bothered.

"DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" A voice boomed from the halls, breaking my peaceful asylum.

With my eyebrows scrunched in confusion, I slide the hidden key I stole from Kira's pocket a long time ago, and slip out the door. What my dull eyes first lands on, shocks me.

"What the fuck are you looking at? Have you never seen anything like this before? You're in here for a fucking reason." He shouted. I cowered away, slowly walking the other direction. In my four years of being locked up here, I've never seen anything like it. Anything so visual. Anyone so screwed up. My eyes betrayed me and took a look back where the boy was dragging a male nurses collar. He turned to look at me, a sickening smirk overcame his lips, and then he said it.

"Watch out darling, I wouldn't wonder to far around here, never know what lurks in the corridors. Oh, and beautiful, you seen nothing. If you were smart, I'd keep that pretty little mouth shut, wouldn't want you to end up like the last girl who tattled on me." With the smirk on his face, and a quick wink shot my way, he carried on doing his business.

I walked away with wide eyes, creeping back into my room and hiding my spare key. What the fuck had just happened?