You Can Go Home Again

Chapter 15

I wake up screaming. Derrick wakes up next to me, looking startled but also ready to protect.

"What is it? Someone there? Are you okay?" Derrick throws all these questions out in his sleepy state while he switches on the light. I hug my knees to my chest breathing heavily. That was the worst nightmare yet.

"I-I'm sorry for waking you," I stammer. "It was just a bad dream," I continue trying to calm my breathing.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Derrick asks as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. I want to be honest with him with the hope of moving forward, but it just doesn't feel possible.

"It's okay, I don't want to keep you up. Go back to sleep," I gently stroke his cheek, allowing the images from nightmare to blur and fade.

"You sure?"

"Yes. Sweet dreams, Derrick," I lay a soft kiss on his forehead before climbing out of bed. I turn the light off that he switched on and hear the light snores indicating he's fallen back asleep. I miss the days that I would sleep through the night and most of the morning; my days like that seem to be quite far behind me now. I make my way through Pawpaw's quiet house. Everything in here now feels as though it's at a standstill, waiting for the next step to even breathe.

I move through the rooms of the house, slowly taking in every touch and smell of Pawpaw's house. I let my eyes linger, not wanting to miss any details. I want to be able to close my eyes and see everything as it was for all these years. I take mental pictures of every room picturing Pawpaw smiling and laughing in each spot of the room. I make my way into his room, the bed still unmade from when he last slept.

I find myself looking through his closet, pulling down my favorite shirts of his, the ones I most clearly remember him in. I put on a pale denim button-up of his, and the shirt swallows me. Nostalgia overwhelms as I go through each article of clothing I pulled from the closet; I can see him so clearly make Shirley Temples for me and Grandma when I was younger when I study his thickly striped button-up. The gray Ralph Lauren t-shirts remind me of every time he took us fishing out on his boat; those were my favorite summer days. There's an old Marlboro light blue button-up in the pile too, reminding me of the day I told him I needed to get out of here.

"Pawpaw, I think I need to take a break from school," the meekness in my tone conveying exactly how nervous I am to say the words aloud for the first time.

"Not liking your major?"

"It's not that. I just," I pause, looking into his eyes, studying his expression. His smile is unwavering, and his eyes fill me with a sense of calm. "I don't think I know myself well enough to decide what exactly I'm doing with the rest of my life. There's so much out there, so much possibility! What if I'm boxing myself in before I've even given life a chance?" The words spill out so quickly, I have to catch my breath. Pawpaw laughs lightly to himself, shaking his head.

"There are many adventures out there, and they're waiting just for you," he leans back in his chair and sighs. "I always wanted adventure too, and I was fortunate enough to have many with your grandmother." Pawpaw pauses and takes a sip of his water while I let his lack of disappointment sink in. I don't know why I'm so surprised, Pawpaw has always been supportive of me. "Laney, you know your heart and your mind, and they are both so full of creative life. I admire your bravery, your tenacity, your will when it comes to life decisions. I know that whenever, if ever, you decide to go back to school, it will be because you're chasing dreams that most are too scared to acknowledge."

"You make me sound fearless, when in reality, I'm terrified."

"Good! Being scared doesn't make you weak. The fact that you've made your choice despite the fear simply shows your bravery that much more," Pawpaw speaks with a passion that makes me feel like the small child that was enraptured by his stories.