cynosure {h.s}

four

auden's pov

He sits beside me and opens the anthology. I feel my palms get sweaty which is so stupid. This is so stupid. I've never even had a boyfriend. Please, I've barely kissed a boy. Maybe that's why I'm so crazed about him? My parents have sheltered me away from the world of boys and girls for that matter, romance in general. It's quite the taboo in my house, if I even so much spoke about a boy I thought was attractive I was cut off and the subject was changed. Don't get me wrong, I know what sex is, I did sex ed but that's the extent of my knowledge, could never ask more questions at home. My view on intercourse is very scientific. Being hours away from home with no parents to tell me what to do is new and exciting. I'm still scared though, being shield away from all things sex causes fear around the subject and when the time comes god knows how I'll react.

I look down at the page he has opened and realise it's 'Lines Written in Early Spring' by William Wordsworth. I like this one, it's about Wordsworth looking around him at the natural world, and as he admires its beauty, he realises how ugly humanity is in comparison. It's nice, as someone who has felt more disconnected from humanity and enjoy the little, simple things in life, it sits well with me. The poem itself has a simple structure, like the simplicity of the world Wordsworth is looking at. Everything about it is simple, I really like simple.

"So Lines Written in Early Spring, have you heard of it?" Harry asks, trying to make eye contact with me.
"Yeah, I really like it, it's nice and easy to grasp, an easy read. I connect with it quite well I think, I haven't felt fully connected with the world for a long time, I like watching the world and admiring the little things." I explain feeling like I've delved way too deep into my personal life even if I did just tell him a fraction and he probably didn't even realise too much. I hug a knee to my chest and pull my hoodie sleeves over my hands.
"I like this one too." He answers so simply. It makes me feel so stupid, he asked if I had heard of it, not my entire life story and he made it very clear that he didn't care by that very short answer he gave me. I felt uncomfortable that I spilled so much but also so little about myself.
"Why do you like romantic poetry?" I ask trying to get the attention off of me and let him tell me something about himself.
"I like to see how people perceive something that isn't real." He said straight. What was I meant to do with that? That explained nothing. It was so deep and left me with so many questions but I didn't want to pry! I'm just not that type of person. Jesus this is going to keep me up tonight.

We spend some time analyse the poem. I keep my points short and to the point, afraid of revealing more about myself. After we finish, I try asking him some more questions so I feel like I'm on an even playing field. "What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?"

He doesn't say anything at first, but he laughs. A laugh that makes my heart warm because it is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. "Sorry?" He says still laughing. I'm not surprised, we just finished looking over a poem and then I ask him the weirdest question I could think of.
"I said what's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?" Laughing myself, waiting for his response.

"I ate a wasp once. Not on purpose! I was eating in the garden, opened my mouth to take a bite of my sandwich, in flew a wasp, I bit down, wasp stung my tongue, I swallowed everything in my mouth in panic, nearly choked on it all because my tongue was swelling! Quite the palaver if you ask me." I can't help but burst out laughing, I don't know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn't that. He laughs along with me for what feels like 10 minutes but is probably more about 2.

"Okay I have one for you. What's your best scar story?" I freeze at the question from him. I have a few scars, all from the same day. I briefly think back to the moment and feel tears brim in my eyes. I push the memory to the back of my mind and force the tears back down. He places his hand on my thigh, "Are you okay? Did I hit a nerve?" He asks not all too sincerely, his tones suggests that maybe he thought I was joking, I hope he does, that's how I'm about to play it off anyway.
"Nope, I just don't have any scars, unless the one on my elbow counts from when I got really deep carpet burn at age 6." I tell him. It's not really a scar, just a red mark but I'm sure as hell never telling him about the others so that story will have to do. I didn't really notice him rubbing my thigh and getting closer to the inside of it until I stopped thinking about my past.

"Oh how gnarly." He said with sarcasm clear in his voice, his hand getting squeezing my thigh gently, I grow slightly uncomfortable, this sort of stuff isn't the norm for me. I start to squirm and fidget and his next question comes out of nowhere, "Shall we fuck?" I quickly push my chair away from him and stand up all flustered. I quickly gather my things as best I can whilst I'm shaking. "No no no! I am so sorry, I just thought that maybe... I don't know what I thought. I am so sorry. Please. Please just sit and calm down. I'll stay over here. You're shaking and I'm so sorry. I just presumed you would want it too. That so stupid I know. I'm sorry." He waffles on as I sit back down. I'm such a prude. Never in my life did I think I would be asked to have sex like that. I think it shocked me even more because of the way I've been hidden from it. I can't believe I just freaked out like that, just earlier I was talking about how sexy he was and now I'm on the brink of a panic attack because he wants to shag me? Make it make sense. Good god I am such an embarrassment.

I laugh under my breath, "I'm really sorry about that. I just- yeah. Sorry." I said. I can't tell him I'm a virgin although he's probably guessed. But as well, maybe I don't want to have sex with him just now but what if we fell in love then maybe I would. If he finds me attractive maybe it could be on the cards? Oh who am I kidding that's never going to happen Auden, but just in case, I'll apologise, play it off cool and pray he doesn't think I'm a weirdo.

"No don't be sorry, please. I'm sorry. That was far too forward and stupid and I was thinking with my dick. I hope I didn't ruin anything between us." He said with sincerity and it caused me to smirk.
"I didn't realise there was anything between us to ruin." I replied, smirking at him, trying to suppress my giggle. He narrows his eyes at me as I put my hoodie back on and bag on my back.

With a smile, he looks at me in the eye and says "Just know, if you want any extra lessons, I'm always happy to help." I didn't understand, he had practically filled every gap in my timetable. What did he mean by extra lessons? Didn't he have a PhD to be working on? I can't be taking up extra time than he's allocated me. I get to the door and we bid each other goodbye, before the door closes, I hear him mutter "You'd look better in one of my hoodies." but I couldn't be quite sure. Surely he wouldn't be saying that about me or maybe I just heard it wrong? I don't know. My whole walk home all I could think about was what how I embarrassed myself again! I was going home and asking Juliet and Gracie all about sex.