Falling

1

Steve knew what love was. Love was dopamine, oxytocin, love was serotonin and love was science above emotion. There was no such thing as love at first sight- it was a thing that developed with time and with knowledge. That's why Steve was getting married. He was getting married to someone he had known his whole life, called his best friend and shared countless days and nights with. To him, that was the only good reason that marriage should even exist in the first place. He was getting married to the one person it would make sense to get married to. Peggy Carter would be his wife and then everything would be OK. His friends would stop bugging him about getting a girlfriend, especially Nat who was desperate for him to find somebody special.

He didn't need to love her, he didn't care too much for the idea of love that was pushed by the media anyway. In the modern day, the entertainment industry decided what love was. It was supposed to be warm, passionate, fully consuming and breathtaking. For Steve and Peggy, however, none of this was true. Neither of the two were bothered by this simply because they didn't care what people told them their love should be. They loved each other, whether it was in the way it was portrayed in Hollywood, or as friends but it was impossible to argue that they did not love each other.

When they had told Sam and Nat the two had been ecstatic. Steve had been alone for too long, they said, Peggy would be good for him. He wanted something that was good for him. He was already 27, if he didn't get married soon he would get all gross and wrinkled (Nat's words). He had a hard life, 27 years almost seemed short for everything he had experienced. He hoped that by getting married he could enter a new stage of his life, a calmer one where he could relax and grow old with his best friend by his side.

They didn't live together yet, Steve lived in a small apartment in central Brooklyn and Peggy lived in the next town over but they had known each other all their lives, it wasn't like they needed time to get to know each other. They had planned to move out of their apartments and into a home together. Steve didn't want to leave the place that had been his home for so many years, it was his place of safety and comfort but he had to do it, for marriage. The little trinkets lined up on his shelves, small tokens of lives long lost and people that Steve never even knew the name of; the wooden floorboards that would creek under his feet but he loved them because Nat had described them as "artsy" and he had thought that was hilarious; the pale green curtains that were getting old and barely kept out the light but Steve was practically a hoarder and could not for the life of him bring himself to change them. It was his home- a part of him.

That's where he was now. Sat on the faded brown leather of his sofa, laid back against the armrest with his feet pulled up to his chest and his eyebrows knitted close together.
Why didn't he want it? He knew deep down that this was the only way it could go- he was happy with Peggy, he wanted to make his friends happy and he knew that after spending so many years in the army, settling down with a pretty woman and a good circle of friends was an amazing opportunity that he should have been glad to take.

But he wasn't. Maybe he was just used to the thrill of the army and of war, he was too used to living fast paced and running. He knew he should want to settle down but he just didn't. When Nat came over that night, he tried to tell her how he was feeling. She just shrugged it off as she always did- he was just nervous about the wedding, she said, getting cold feet would hurt Peggy. Steve agreed and pulled himself together, now wasn't the time to be soppy, he wasn't in a romance movie, he needed practicality and security over anything else. He needed to be sure of himself and he was safe and secure while he was with Peggy. Safety. He didn't need love he just needed to be safe.

There were always reminders for Steve about his time in the army. As he and Nat sat and talked, a news story had begun to air about a fugitive assassin running from the government. A photo flashed on screen and he felt a strange emotion at the sight of the same gun that he would patrol the streets with. The same gun he used to shoot to kill with. He stared at the portion of the mans face that was on show, trying to imprint it into his brain. It was a good tactic to keep safe, retaining faces of those he couldn't trust. A vague sense of recognition squeezed at Steve's heart and his eyes sparkled slightly. The only name they gave was "The Winter Soldier" and he found that quite corny. They never did well with naming criminals. He was being charged with the murders of over 70 people and Steve shook his head in disdain. He didn't know this man and he was happy he didn't.

After everything Steve went through, he knew it had to take a really sick person to willingly murder someone.