Sunflower

1 - football is stupid

Micah

The sun is starting to go down, after what seems like an eternity sitting on these extremely uncomfortable bleachers. Teenagers, who are all drenched in their own sweat from being packed into such a tight space, scream and holler at the football players running mindlessly across the football field. They all look like rabid wolves chasing after a single rabid. They're pushing and shoving each other, and one falls over. The game doesn't stop. He gets right back up and dives into the pile of bodies that are fighting over the ball. I've tried to pay attention and seem interested, but I honestly have no idea what is going on. I don't know how football works, and I don't really care enough to learn. I have no idea when I need to scream with the rest of the kids standing next to me, or why. I'm trying really hard to understand why this is one of the most popular sports in the world. I'm still trying to figure out why any sport is considered enjoyable. I mean, I understand how playing it could be fun, but watching it? All you do is sit there on your couch or in the bleachers and yell whenever your team scores a point. You're basically watching a bunch of buff, teen boys tackle each other over a stupid ball. If I wanted to watch that for entertainment, I'd stay home under my covers with a laptop and some lotion. It's stupid.

It seems like I've been here for hours, and this game is never going to end. I look down at my phone and realize it's only been an hour. It's almost halftime, which gives me some sort of relief. During halftime, I can get up and pretend I'm going to go buy nachos for me and Cath, when really, I can go and sit behind the bathrooms and let my racing heart slow down for a bit. Being around this huge crowd makes me nervous, and Cath knew that would happen, but she still dragged me here anyway. It's not like she really likes football, she just wanted to be here because all her friends are here. She hasn't said much to me this whole hour. She's too focused on whatever the hell Beck is rambling on about right now, which doesn't bother me. I'm fine with sitting here quietly, waiting for the game to be over and watching the vibrant colors of the setting sun splash across the sky. Pink, orange, purple, they almost bring solace to my chest, but they can't silence the ocean of roaring voices that surrounds me. I put my fingers to my neck and find my pulse, like my old therapist used to tell me to do. I listen to my heart beat rapidly in my chest, and it's almost as if it is thumping against my fingertips. I take a few deep breaths in and out, which rarely works, but it seems to now.

Suddenly, Cath grabs my wrist a little too aggressively, making me flinch.

"Babe, take my picture for instagram."

It's like she's not even really talking to me. Her voice is there, her eyes connect with mine, but she doesn't even see me. She's too worried about pleasing her friends than talking to me. Well, really talking to me.

"Sure," I mumble. I grab her phone, unlock it, and snap a photo of her, Beck, and Lucy standing on the bleachers with their arms all wrapped around each other. Without so much as a thank you, she snatches her phone back and proceeds to show it to the other two girls. I sit back down, and I let my mind drift away. My eyes fixate on the slowly fading colors of the setting sun, and my heart sinks a little. I don't want my only distraction to disappear.

"Micah, we're gonna go get some drinks. Want anything?" Cath asks me, pulling me out of my haze once again.

"I'll take a sprite, thanks Babe."

She smiles brightly and leans down, kissing my cheek softly. "Of course."

She's oblivious. Of course she is. Which only makes me feel worse for being upset with her. I know she doesn't mean to ignore me.

As she begins to stand up, I reach into my pocket and dig out a 20 dollar bill. I hand it to her.

"Get whatever you want," I say with a smile. I don't know if it's real, but it's there.

"Aww, thanks Micah. I'll bring change. See you in a bit," she says and runs after Beck and Lucy. Sometimes I forget that I really do love her, whenever she's with her friends. I think she forgets it too. Whenever we're hanging around her group of friends, I usually just go without saying anything, and she never notices. She ignores me a lot, but I don't blame her. I'm easy to ignore. I'm quiet. I don't have the strongest presence. I'm just there.

She just seems like a completely different person when she's around her friends.

I've always found our best moments happen when it's just the two of us. Whether we're making out in my pool or blasting music in her room, those are the moments I enjoy most with her. The small, quiet ones. The moments that we never really plan for.

The sun has completely disappeared from the sky now. It's as if it wasn't even there. All evidence that it was once the brightest thing shining in the sky is gone, and the silver moon has appeared. I see a few stars speckle across the dark blue sky, but it's too early in the evening to see much more.

My eyes fall to the game once again, and it seems like something important is happening. A guy, whose jersey number is 2, races across the field with a pack of players from the other team chasing behind him. He's carrying the football tightly in his arms, like it's his own child. They can't seem to keep up with him, and from what I can tell, the boy with the football hasn't even broken a sweat. As soon as he gets to the end of the field, he slams the ball down on the ground and everyone on our team's bleachers go crazy. People are screaming and jumping up and down, which makes the bleachers shake. Even the parents are going insane over this. I guess he just scored a touch down or something, I don't know. I sigh heavily and try to block out the noice.

A group of guys that is clumped together dangerously close to me begins jumping on the bleachers. They're laughing and yelling and pushing each other around. One gets pushed a little too hard, and he trips and slams right into my shoulder. Startled, I gasp loudly and jump up. My heart has completely stopped beating.

The guy, still laughing, begins to half heartily apologize to me, but his voice seems so far away. I can barely hear him, or anyone. All I can hear are the deafening explosions going off within my ears. It's my heart, and it's beating fast. I feel my stomach drop to the ground, and I gasp for air.

I can't breath

My chest is closing up, my eyes are watering.

IcantbreatheIcantbreatheIcantbreatheIcantfuckingbreathe

I run.

I run down the steps and away from all the noise, all the people. I run as fast as I can. I run to the only place I find security whenever Cath forces me to come to these games. I run for the small shed behind the bathrooms. It's an old storage closet, and the school rarely uses it. I make my way towards it and press my back against the wall. It's even harder to breathe, now that I've stopped running. My back slides down the wall, and I hit the dirt with a thud. It hurts to breathe, but I force myself to take in as much air as possible, as if I'm about to go under water.

I think it's halftime now, because the volume of their voices has faded slightly. I hear more feet pounding against the pavement, and there's more chatter near the bathrooms now. I hope no one sees me here. Or if someone does, they just ignore me.

I wish I could spend the rest of the game behind here, picking at mini flowers and weeds in the grass as I struggle to keep my heartbeat down. Even though Cath's friends will be distracting her, I know she'll notice that I'm gone, and she will come looking for me. Her friends will probably try to reassure her that I'm fine, but she will refuse to listen to them. It's only when I'm there that she's able to ignore me.

Once it has become a little easier to breathe, I get up. I brush the dirt and grass off my pants, and I make my way back to the bleachers. I check my phone. Only another hour to go.

~ shi