Sunflower

2 - Don't Leave Again

Theo

Adrenaline spiked in my veins as soon as I took off. The power of running for meters over my body overwhelms me sometimes, but the happiness of it make me feel alive.

The dyed green grass underneath my feet, my pounding heart in my chest from the crowds cheers, and the overhead lights' beaming down on our bodies gave me a high I could never reach with marijuana. Extremely pure happiness, that only some seem to master, waved at me with a cheeky smile whenever I played on the field.

Jackson does too. He usually sits by my team's bench and makes sure I hear his excitement. At least every other time besides today he did.

"ZIMA HURRY IT UP!" Luckily my coach has always known when my mind wonders off in the field.

I race to the end and slam the football down. My teammates all knew we were going to get this touchdown, nobody had yet to beat my speed in the opposing team. The students and parents went insane like they always do, screaming at the top of their lungs as if we couldn't hear them well enough. It always felt like I reached Mount Everest.

Shaking my head side to side as if I were a wet dog, only after I had taken off my helmet, I jogged back to the bench with my team. Everybody gave each other a pat on the back that couldn't be felt from all the gear we had to wear. While we were all trying to wipe the sweat from our bodies with towels, some of the cheerleaders, who sat out for the halftime shows, gave us a fresh water cooler. I hurried to take a bottle as everyone rushed to get something cold down their throats.

I took long gulps, letting my body freshen up for the rest of the game. Looking around the bleachers I noticed my friends at the bottom rooting for me. I waved at them and they wooed at me as if I were a star. I was a star, but sometimes I wish I could have been a shooting star instead.

My eyes wondered around, waving and smiling back at my classmates who noticed my gaze. Then they landed on Cath. She was pretty, everyone would admit it, but her unoriginality got the best of it. She is like every other girl people would tell you about in high school: plays a sport, hates the arts, skinny duck face, her style showing too much skin near her fishy for a work environment, and of course the privilege she let people know she had, with a plus of daddy's money of course.

She waved and smiled, but let's not forget the picture she took with the flash on of me in the field. I heard Cath got herself a boyfriend a while back; I sometimes wondered how people kept relationships for so long with bitches.

I turned around, making sure she knew by my sneer I didn't want anything to do with her filth, then dragged my feet toward Zeke, the center for this game. We both made it to our positions and the next round of souls started.

After about an hour or more, I was in the rush of another adrenaline spike. Holding the football securely in my hands, I ran toward the end of the field where I slammed the ball down with all my strength and jumped with my teammates at our win. The blaring lights seemed to grow blindingly brighter and I felt every drop of sweat roll down my body, even underneath all my gear.

Zeke helped me take off my helmet, and we high-fived for yet another great win for our season. Soon after we said our good games to the other team and let the cheerleaders do their thing while we all relaxed and cooled down for the fall Friday night.

"I'm going to host a party for our new win tomorrow. It would be great if you guys could come." I agreed with Hayden immediately, so in the end all of the football team would attend his party. He gave a happy smile, which most of them returned. He was the oldest mess on our team and the one who really needed us to get these wins for his college applications. A small after party wouldn't hurt much.

Right as the cheerleaders were about to finish up I spotted Jackson on the other side of the field staring at me with incomprehensible emotions. He pointed at me and waved for me to come over as if he were luring me away from reality.

He looked annoyed but I could only sigh. Here we both stood on the opposite side lengths, waiting for the girls to finish before I dashed over to his side as if I were trying to catch a firefly.

"What's wrong love?"

"Theo. I've been meaning to talk to you about this since our last date.." He looked nervous, his face scrunched up with little wrinkles as if he hadn't slept for days. He played with his hands like he always did when he was anxious and lightly shook his head before continuing. When his eyes met mine again, after they wondered aimlessly looking for the words to come out of his kissable lips, I realized this was a relapse: a repeat of what had happened, deja vu.

"I'm not happy being with you." Don't fucking cry.

"You came back Jackson- You told me that you loved me for a week on end and we even planned how we would spend our days together." I know it's cliché being high schoolers and falling in love, planning out your future that would never happen. But when you're happy, you like to dream about it. I rambled like an idiot again. He understood though, he knew me better than I knew myself. He also knew this would not end pretty like it had last time where I had wished he felt better and found his happiness, yet he still came back and told me I was it; he said I was his happiness. His silence made me want to scream.

"I know and I meant everything I said then, but after our date I felt no connection."

"Why did you kiss me back then? Why would you continue to kiss me and put up a stupid act if you didn't feel anything, Jackson? The one thing I ever asked was for you to be honest with me.. fuck." I'm so stupid.

"I don't know Theo I thought I still loved you, but when I ghosted for two weeks then finally texted you that goodbye explaining I was going through some shit and needed space to think, I fucked up. Now I don't know, I just missed you so much but took it as love."

"That doesn't mean you had to continue to lie to me. Tell me how much you love me and want to have me in your arms again! I'm not enough aren't I-"

"You are enough."

"Apparently not, fuck why Jackson, why would you just come back, promise to never hurt me again, and just leave?"

"I'm just fucked up Theo, I shouldn't date people because I always fuck up and hurt them and I know I hurt you more than I can explain, but I'm so sorry."

"That's bullshit and you know it. If you were sorry you wouldn't have come back." He didn't have another answer for that. He just stared and stared and stared. I tried not to cry like the crybaby I was, but when people keep smashing boulders against your soft spot, it makes you sensitive. The only time I had cried in front of him was the day he finally said he loved me, but now I can't let myself do it when he's leaving for good. I need a smoke.

We stood there for who knows how long. To me it felt like a day on Venus.

I could tell he just wanted to leave, as if he had something important to get to, but I couldn't move, I didn't want to. Was this really it? The five months we had spent together as best friends and lovers, the love he showed me, the amount of time I spent to make sure he was happy, and the time he invested in getting me to open up and unravel from my cocoon meant nothing, but I should have seen it coming. Last time I knew when I saw his name pop up on my phone at 5am that it was a goodbye, but now it just seemed impossible. He gained my trust back to completely  destroy the roots.

"Goodbye babá."

~ baba

fun fact, the breakup is completely real (not word for word because I deleted the messages) but it's what I remember the most of when my ex left again lol. Babá was also his nickname for me since it's in my native language. (means baby)