the King's new guardian: remastered

chosen by darkness

Dark, cold, confused,shattered. Words that I can never push out of my mind. An endless cycle of my frustrations and anxiety, that causes me to panic when I feel like I do something wrong. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this no, how do I feel like this? I am supposed to be a creature of light. Bright green eyes, light brown hair, with a smile that could attract someone from a mile away. I was given these things, blessings they call it but why.. Why don't I feel happy anymore? It's like sadness has found its way through my heart and stuck there not wanting to leave.

"I hate you.. I've always hated you! You took my life! You took away my dignity! I WORKED HARDER THAN YOU!! I'VE EARNED IT!! NOT YOU ME!! ME ME ME!!"

Pain, betrayal, and abandonment. A happy angel symbolizes honor, what our kingdom cherishes the most. If I'm supposed to be happy then, does dull eyes resemble happiness? I wake up everyday to the reflection of empty eyes of defeat, eyes of depression, eyes that has seen things that it shouldn't.
Fake it. I greet others with a smile and wave. Fake. It. I speak to others with optimism. Fake it! I train everyday with focus and strength. Fake it! Fake it! Fake it all!

Why? Why, why, why, why must I fake it? Why must I keep it in? Why mustn't I tell anyone!? Why tell me why!? Is what I ask myself everyday..

I never get an answer back.

. . . . .

My eyes open to a beam of sunlight, the only warmth I ever have anymore that makes me feel. Secure. I wake up to the same thing everyday, the sun and a painful headache.
"That nightmare again." What I say often now. I was never like this before, I remember that last time I smiled. The last time I laughed. The last time I was told "I love you".  The last time when I loved at all. It's hard to feel that again, getting up from my bed I looked in the mirror at my reflection. Circles so dark under my eyes they look engraved in my skin. Glossy eyes that use to be full of life stare back at me everyday.
" Why are you like this? Who are you? Aren't you supposed to be the happy leader? Then why. Why are you like this? Stop it." I spoke to the open air, negativity fills it making me suffocate and choke up into tears. Crying is often, smiling is rare.

"The night is dull and suffocating.
Can I ever find peace again?
Thing of light is slowly falling.
Into an abyss of darkness."
I sing this every morning, every afternoon, and every night. I hear knocking as I slid on the floor hugging my knees. I took a breath..
No air came in.

....

....

....

I can't breathe.

I can't speak.

It feels like my lungs are collapsing.

Someone, anyone help.. Help...

Help!

"Diamond!? Diamond it's ok!? Breathe, breathe." I snapped back into my senses as a voice called to me. I was panting, hard. It was hard to breathe.
"It's ok, I'm here. I'm here." I looked behind me seeing a boy. He had brown hair, blue eyes with a scar across one of his eyes. He had an expression of concern.

"Lie." I barely spoke out as he pulled me in to an embrace.
"It's ok sis, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He said in a whisper. Slowly and tightly I hugged back, shaking, trembling at the passing anxiety attack I just had. Soon I could breathe again. I stopped trembling in distress, tears drying up on my pale cheeks.
"Lie, I'm sorry." I looked at my brother with an expression of distress. Clearly saying I was in shock.
"Come on sis, lets go clean you up." He gently helped me as if I was fragile like paper then lead me to the bathroom.

. . . .

Shhhhhhhh.

I stand in the shower with my head up to the ceiling, eyes closed in exhaustion. My legs still shake from the emotional shock I had a few minutes ago. The warm water helps me gain back sanity that I've lost, fillng the emptiness just a bit. Just enough to give me strength to fake up a smile.
"Diamond!? When you're done you can come out into the kitchen, I made you breakfast!" Lie yelled from afar.
I didn't answer back but just sighed, placing my forehead against the warm marble wall in front of me. Has getting up always been this hard?

. . . .

Soon,after a few minutes I came out in fresh clothes, my working amor.
Lie placed a glass of milk on the counter as I sat down on a chair.
"How was your shower sis?" He asked petting my hair. It always felt nice to know someone is there to care for me.
"It was fine, thank you for the breakfast bro." I smiled. Which made him frown.
"You don't have to force it diamond, I know you're hurting." He placed a hand on mine but I quickly pulled away, refusing to make eye contact. I started to eat the breakfast he made feeling his eyes burn a hold through my skull.
"I'm off to work sis, be safe." Lie was about to kiss my head, but he didn't and just left. I sighed and ate until all of it was gone, pain throbbing in my chest. Afterwards, I got everything I needed then headed out of the house.

Clouds, happy people, laughing children, a bright blue sky to gaze apon. Yet still, nothing I feel defines happiness. I changed my appearance, bright eyes, a happy smile, with flowing light brown hair. I spread my wings and flew to my work place, holding a painful smile.

As if I was chosen by darkness.