eudaimonia

The Smile, Part Three - space for one.

It was a glorious day, December 21st, when our break finally started. Finals were over and the snow was starting to fall. Chicago had never been so beautiful as the powdery ice swirled through the air and little bits of white landed on my hat. All the students on campus moved with a renewed vigor, ready to pack up and go home for a few blissful weeks. I smiled into the cold, biting wind, ignoring the tears pushing at my eyes.

"Ready to go?" My little sister, Brianna, looks up at me with her large brown eyes. Is it just me, or have her irises gotten lighter? She looks more and more like our mother every day. "Mom's waiting in the car!" she squeals. "I wanna go visit the bean and get food and..."

Her sweet voice flows together with the music flooding through my earbuds. I laugh as we walk together to the waiting for us on the side of the road. I see my mother inside, and she quickly steps out to wrap me in a tight hug. "First semester's finally over, huh?" She punches my arm and herds me into the car. "It'll be so wonderful to have you back. Fredo misses you," she says.

I grin. "Can't wait to feed him when I get home," I force myself to say. I subtly push the Volume Up button on my phone. I can't seem to deal with people lately. Fredo's my beautiful golden retriever, probably the glowing icon of the past decade of my life. He's such an attention-seeker, but so lovable too. I can't wait to see him again. I pat my pocket for my souvenir, then frown when I realize there's nothing inside. "Mom?" I ask.

"Did you forget something again?" She sighs. "You always do this. Go get it, hurry, all right? I want to get you guys some food and visit some places before the flight."

I slam the door louder than I mean to. Waving apologetically, I sprint towards the girls' dorms, ignoring the wondering stares of the other girls as they whisper about me behind their hands. Out of breath, I run up the stairs and finally make it to my room.

Going through the drawers of the dressers frantically, I search for the picture. Where is it? I search the room and finally find the polaroid sitting on the nightstand where I had left it last night. Alyssa's bright smirk and my awkward expression in the photo makes me smile a bit. I'm thinking I should probably find a permanent home for the picture. I sit down on the bed and close the door. I should probably check if I've forgotten anything else.

"Hey beautiful," a voice says.

I look up. Alyssa's standing in front of me, wearing the same shirt she had worn the first day we met-- black with French words scrawled in gold on the front of it. Her long legs still glowed tan; she was wearing shorts even though winter was nearly upon us. "Hey," I manage.

"Miss me?" She throws back her dark hair in that confident way of hers. "Look." She sits down next to me and wipes the tears off my face. "Don't think about me too much."

I nod ruefully and try to laugh, but it catches in my throat. I take my earbuds out. All the words I wish I could've spoken to her choke, and all I can say is, "You should come visit sometime."

She laughs happily, more happily than I've ever seen her with me. "Oh, Jenna." Her eyes sparkle even in the dim light of the dorm. "I'm with you, even when I'm not." My forehead scrunches in confusion and she pulls me into a tight, warm hug. It feels so real. "Forget me, alright?" she asks.

I nod. After a long moment of silence, I blurt, "Was it my fault?"

"Of course not." She pats my cheek. "Just be happy for me." She smiles, but it seems forced. "It isn't your fault." She doesn't look at me as she takes my phone and changes the song to something she likes and puts one earphone into her left ear. It's slower, sadder, something we heard a restaurant play one time.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I should've spent more time with you," I mutter. "I'll always regret that. I could've done more, and..."

Alyssa's looking down at me with a pitying look in her eyes. She nods along to the music. "You can't change anything now," she says. "Move on. Be happy with that boy you found."

It feels like a dagger to my heart when she mentions Frederik. He's not worth it anyway. After a few hangouts and ditching Alyssa's invitations for his, I realized he was the same as anyone else, even if I realized too late. Alyssa was different, though. She was her own being, irreplaceable, unlike so many of the people here. I sigh and look away. "Is it better up there?"

When no response comes, I look over, and Alyssa's gone. "Bye, I guess." I sigh and slide the polaroid into my pocket, making sure it doesn't crease. "Wish you were here," I whisper, slowly walking out the door and closing it softly behind me. I put the other earbud back in and pull my hat over my ears.

I trudge outside and put my happy face back on. I wave to a couple friends getting into their cars, and they shout something, but I can't hear them, so I just smile and laugh. My mom and sister are waiting in the car, and I quickly run over to them. "Sorry for taking so long," I apologize. "When's the flight?"

"Tomorrow, at 8am." Mom starts the car and Brianna shuts the book she's reading. "What do you say we go get some burgers?"

Brianna and I shout our agreement and Mom starts driving to a great burger place downtown. "Did you make any friends? You haven't called much," Brianna said, pulling on the sleeve of my wool coat. "Everybody misses you." She pouts. "And everyone here looks so tall!"

I pull her into a hug and look at the cover of the book she's reading. For a third grader, she's certainly getting along in her literature. "I made some friends," I tell her. "They're doing great. Some of them are going home for winter break too." I boop her nose playfully and she giggles.

"Oh, I heard about that girl," my mother says suddenly. "Something-Wang? Was she in any of your classes? Did you know her?" She shakes her head sadly. "She seemed like such a nice, respectable girl in the papers."

My nails dug into my hand. My mother loves to talk about things she knows nothing about. She doesn't even know Alyssa's name. "No," I say as neutrally as possible. My heartbeat quickens in my chest. "I think she might've been in a dorm close to mine, though. Her picture looked kind of familiar." The lies easily come out of my mouth. I don't know what Alyssa would think if she was here, of me denying knowing her and all, but this is for the best. I don't want my parents to cause a fuss or sue the school for "misconduct" or something. "Why?"

"Oh, just wondering." My mom throws a glance at me in the rearview mirror as I play footsies with my little sister. "Ah!" She says, startling my sister and I. "That day last week, when you skipped all your classes because you were sick. Are you alright? You didn't return any of our calls!"

I laugh. "I'm just fine now. My throat was just a bit sore, so I couldn't really talk to anyone. It went away pretty quickly and I made up all my tests and work already. Sorry for not calling back." It's a pathetic apology, but it'll work. No way would I tell them that I was at Alyssa's funeral.

"Just making sure." My mom drives up to the burger place, which is already filled with people. "Come on, Brianna," she says, escorting my little sister out of the car.

I step out into the chilly air. Alyssa would've liked this place, I think to myself as we walk inside. I miss you.