unsteady//rye beaumont(rewrite)

eleven.

daniella

The whole shopping trip was a waste of my time. I was starting to get annoyed by all the dumb questions Rye was asking me and I just wanted to be in bed.

The whole time, all I could think about what getting absolutely zoinked out of my mind. I wanted to feel peaceful and calm and not have all the bad thought running around like the own the place. The only thing I knew of that would do that, was weed.

Although I couldn't just take a couple bong rips here because none of the guys agree with it. Not to mention I have no tools or weed.

Then, I started to think of cigarettes. Back in high school, I would be smoking a pack a day. I started in grade 7 because of my friends and quit about 8 or 9 months ago.

I don't even remember why I quit in the first place. They could relax you with just one drag. Also, smoking calms my hunger and I really wasn't feeling like eating anytime soon. I was too fat to eat.

As we stood in line at the cashiers, I looked up at Rye who was already staring down at me.

"I know you may not agree with this, but would you be able to buy me a pack of smokes? I'll pay you back," I asked him, really hoping for a yes. I just needed anything to calm all the thoughts running inside my head.

He thought hard about it. I knew he would probably say no because 'smoking's bad' and 'there are better ways to cope'.

"One pack," he agreed and seemed like he regretted his decision. I thanked him, kissed his shoulder because I was too short to actually reach his cheek, then told him what kind. I remembered which one was my favourite from the few holidays where my mom would buy me smokes here.

When everything was paid for, we met up with the guys and started our journey home.

"Hey, Rye, why'd you get ID'd?" Jack asked as he walked beside us.

I instantly felt bad. I wasn't sure exactly why, but I knew it was because of me. Everything I did I felt bad about.

"Dani just wanted something," he replied, not sharing the whole reason. I got the feeling like he was embarrassed to be around me knowing I was smoking again. It was bad for his reputation and now I was fucking that up for him.

Rye kept telling me little things to try and cheer me up, but it wasn't working. The bad thoughts went away for a tad bit while he spoke. I would listen closely to everything about his voice. How he said certain words. How his accent sounded. What tone of voice he used.

When I started to focus on that, the bad thoughts went away. But as soon as I lost focus, they would hit me harder. Saying that him ever liking me was in my head. That Rye is like every other guy I've talked to and was just using me. I knew once he got in my pants he would leave like everyone else.

After what felt like the longest walk of my life, we made it to the apartment building.

"I'll meet you inside," I told Rye as I started to open the pack of smokes. I thought he would go inside and mess around with the guys since he missed out on that during the shopping trip because of me. He didn't though. He lead us to a nearby picnic table and sat us down.

He brought me into his arms as I lit my cigarette. As I inhaled the deadly smoke, I felt all my worries go away. It was like when I inhaled, my worries and stresses got trapped in the smoke, then were released when I exhaled.

I tried my hardest to blow the smoke away from Rye since he wasn't a smoker and I knew it was probably gross to him, but only sometimes succeeded.

We sat in silence as I continued to inhale and exhale the toxic smoke, but that was good enough for me. There may have been many bad thoughts in my head about how I was going to ruin Rye's life if I stayed in it, but just knowing he was there was enough to make the bad thoughts just bad thoughts.

Even as he held his arm around my waist the entire shopping trip, I just left like somebody cared for me. I felt bad for having his attention, but at the same time it felt nice.

After my step mom moved in and it wasn't just my dad and I anymore, I started to lose the attention I was used to. It stayed like that for a very long time. I would be pushed away while my step sister grabbed the love from both the parents. I didn't care too much about my step moms love, it was more my dad.

I wasn't used to people putting everything aside for me like Rye was doing. I didn't know if I should feel guilty, or just accept it.

I went to pull out another smoke from the pack, but Rye took it from me.

"I don't want you smoking too much. I'll hang onto these until you want another one, okay?" he told me.

I just sat there for a few seconds before turning towards him. "I want another one." He didn't necessarily say how far apart they had to be.

He just grinned and shook his head, knowing what I was trying to do. It's just after I smoked one, I forgot why I even quit in the first and now I'm feening for more. I thought that maybe if I smoked enough, I would be able to fill the emptiness I feel.

"Please," I started to beg him. He stood his ground and told me later. I continued to beg and even gave him a couple kisses on the cheek while mumbling many 'pleases' to try and soften him up. He eventually caved and handed me a white cancer stick.

I let out a very soft and weak smile before I put it to my lips and lit the tip.

"You have a beautiful smile," Rye told me as he pulled me closer. The smile slowly came back, but faded once again.

When I finished the smoke, Rye and I headed inside.

"I was thinking, we bing watch as much Netlifx as we can tonight," Rye said as he walked up the stairs beside me.

"Sure." I could already picture me not paying attention to the movies, but the thought of being in Rye's arms all night sounded pretty good.