“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect—you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”
“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
Jordan had made a promise, and even though he didn’t say he promised to try to show me that love was real I knew he would. But I couldn’t allow myself to accept that fate. Love wasn’t something that people just justified as a real feeling, as a worldwide accepted feeling. I chose not to believe in love because love hadn’t been proven to me, in no way possible. I liked Jordan, yes. But over the few days I had spent with him I realized that maybe there was more to life than the hurt and being let down. Maybe there was more to me than a high built unbreakable wall…
*****
He ended the call, texted me right after.
“Listen – this is what you needed and what you wanted. Sometimes, we just go through with the things that give us some sort of balance. It doesn’t matter if it’s real. It doesn’t matter if it’s true. What matters is that we did not choose that what gives us imbalance. It doesn’t matter if the balance is right. It just doesn’t. And it’s sad. I can’t help but feeling sad. Would we have been everything and all? Maybe we would. But I see now that our interpretation of “all” has gone deeply separate ways. It is as it is. What an agonizing sentence. What a painful thought. “It is as it is”. And yet, I am saying this to you. Because it is, as it is. Reality is rather painful than acceptable. And yet we have to live through it, try to get through it. Get through there and get through here.
It is funny though, that we can already know, that we are going to look back burning with torment, on moments that we couldn’t even have imagined to remember. It is funny though, that agonizing sentences get said so often that they transform into clichés and clichés transform into this illusionary thoughts that we see as less of a truth. For what it’s worth, I do know better.
But I’d rather believe less.
I’d rather believe that love is true. I’d rather believe that you weren’t hurting, drying inside, and crying from all the pain you feel. I’d rather believe that I could help you through, that in some way I could make the hurt go away. I’d like to believe that I could make you happy.
I see that you analyze things. You only believe in the things that have been proven true to you. And that’s why you don’t believe in love. No one has proven to you that love is true; no one has shown you what you crave to be true, to be a reality. But no one does.
